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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Spies Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 30th, 2013, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spies by Will Save - Comedy - Who says old people can’t be spies? John Oldman is a seemingly ordinary 83-year-old man living in a retirement home. In truth, he’s a secret agent working for a government-financed espionage agency. When a Russian mind control device is stolen, John is put on the case. He is helped by overzealous rookie Dominique, a former supermodel turned secret agent, and foul-mouthed rival spy kid, Jimmy. In a hilarious, fast-paced race to save the world, John is forced to confront his old nemesis, The Shadow; the world’s most dangerous supervillain. Will John succeed or will the world fall prey to The Shadow’s evil plans?  123 pages - pdf, format


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StevenClark
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Will,
This is really good!  Up to pg 40, laughing and smiling.  The "Youth" acronym was great, as well as the toilet elevator.  It seems these agents have a resonse for everything!  It's well written and thought out.  Can't wait to check out where it goes.
So far, just a couple things I noticed.  First, there are typos--you just need to clean it up a little.  Second, R rated comedies are few and far between.  I'd shoot for a pg-13 type of story and eliminate all the f-bombs...especially the one by the 10 year old secret agent!
Other than that...I'm still chuckling.
Regards,
Steve Clark


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StevenClark
Posted: February 4th, 2013, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Will,
By the way, please give "Lake Moose" a quick look see.  Thanks.
Regards, Steve


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insider901
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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There's some cleaning up to do but this script is very well done, and most importantly, it's funny. I'm not going to point out many specifics because I have a bad keyboard and it's a monster pain to type one sentence.

The Good:

This script is really good. John and Dominique are very funny. I about soiled myself when John stopped for the M&M break. It's really good chemistry and the dialogue is well done and funny. Jimmy's a hoot as well.

IMO, this can be on a movie screen if you network and get it in the hands of the right person. That's of course is conditional, based on the last 60 pages, which I haven't read.

The Bad:

Not much, though I'm only halfway through the script, which is a great segway for the 123 pages. It's too long. This is a 2 hour and 3 minute comedy. That's very, very long for the genre. Should be at least 20 minutes shorter.

The opening scene reminded me a lot of "Spies Like Us." Not sure if that's intentional or not.

You use a lot of wrylies. Cut them out and you'd probably eliminate a page or two on the script.

Some of your action sequences can MAYBE be a little shorter and efficient. I'm just looking for ways to cut the length.

NOTE: Your logline is really, really bad. So much so, I almost didn't even open the script. Generally, if someone can't write a logline then they can't write a script. That, of course, is just my opinion.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised at the quality of writing once i opened the PDF. Shorten the logline. Maybe something like this:

An 83-year old secret agent teams with a former supermodel, and a foul-mouth spy kid, in a race to save the world.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2013, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey will,

You going to turn up?

This is a slick script - I have a few suggestions if you turn up.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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