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Spies by Will Save - Comedy - Who says old people can’t be spies? John Oldman is a seemingly ordinary 83-year-old man living in a retirement home. In truth, he’s a secret agent working for a government-financed espionage agency. When a Russian mind control device is stolen, John is put on the case. He is helped by overzealous rookie Dominique, a former supermodel turned secret agent, and foul-mouthed rival spy kid, Jimmy. In a hilarious, fast-paced race to save the world, John is forced to confront his old nemesis, The Shadow; the world’s most dangerous supervillain. Will John succeed or will the world fall prey to The Shadow’s evil plans? 123 pages - pdf, format
Will, This is really good! Up to pg 40, laughing and smiling. The "Youth" acronym was great, as well as the toilet elevator. It seems these agents have a resonse for everything! It's well written and thought out. Can't wait to check out where it goes. So far, just a couple things I noticed. First, there are typos--you just need to clean it up a little. Second, R rated comedies are few and far between. I'd shoot for a pg-13 type of story and eliminate all the f-bombs...especially the one by the 10 year old secret agent! Other than that...I'm still chuckling. Regards, Steve Clark
There's some cleaning up to do but this script is very well done, and most importantly, it's funny. I'm not going to point out many specifics because I have a bad keyboard and it's a monster pain to type one sentence.
This script is really good. John and Dominique are very funny. I about soiled myself when John stopped for the M&M break. It's really good chemistry and the dialogue is well done and funny. Jimmy's a hoot as well.
IMO, this can be on a movie screen if you network and get it in the hands of the right person. That's of course is conditional, based on the last 60 pages, which I haven't read.
Not much, though I'm only halfway through the script, which is a great segway for the 123 pages. It's too long. This is a 2 hour and 3 minute comedy. That's very, very long for the genre. Should be at least 20 minutes shorter.
The opening scene reminded me a lot of "Spies Like Us." Not sure if that's intentional or not.
You use a lot of wrylies. Cut them out and you'd probably eliminate a page or two on the script.
Some of your action sequences can MAYBE be a little shorter and efficient. I'm just looking for ways to cut the length.
NOTE: Your logline is really, really bad. So much so, I almost didn't even open the script. Generally, if someone can't write a logline then they can't write a script. That, of course, is just my opinion.
That said, I was pleasantly surprised at the quality of writing once i opened the PDF. Shorten the logline. Maybe something like this:
An 83-year old secret agent teams with a former supermodel, and a foul-mouth spy kid, in a race to save the world.
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