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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  A Dead Good Idea Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Dead Good Idea  (currently 6383 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Dead Good Idea by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Comedy - When money's tight, a young man will do anything for cash, even if it means digging up the past. 98 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 13th, 2013, 10:06pm
revised draft
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irish eyes
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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I'll get a read of this over the weekend bro

Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: September 10th, 2013, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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ok I lied

I started reading it.

logline
When money's tight, a young man will do anything for money, even if IT means digging up things he shouldn't.... missing the IT

Page 1

grabs the grave digger
form behind..... should be "from"

page 9

AGATHA
Agatha, love.... I think you mean Billy

page 10

BILLY
Yes, Degsey, but I didnít buy
anything. Iím skint arenít I.... missing a ?

page 12

JASON
God, he does my head in. Heís
twenty one and acts like heís
twelve. He thinks about no one
but himself. He needs to grow up
and...   Use the dashes -- when a character interrupts another

page 16

Billy smirks and makes a crosses over his heart.... Cross

page 17

DEGSEY
What you saying, I is ripping
you? This is new, been tested on
monkeyís and shit, ainít it... lose the apostrophe in monkey's

ok I'm upto page 30... i'll comment on the story when I finish

so far so good

Mark


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alffy
Posted: September 11th, 2013, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Mark.  I read over this and thought I'd caught all the mistakes...bugger lol.

Actually the 'Agatha, love' said by Agatha isn't a typo, it's Agatha reminding Billy her name.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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irish eyes
Posted: September 11th, 2013, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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page 67

MELVIN
Melvin Drew, pleased to me you.
So how can I help you?... meet

page 80

BILLY
Yeah, sorry. Did you get your
slippers clean.... needs a ?

78-81  Where did Jason go? he was with Bill before that... ahhh found him

page 91

JASON
Go on then. Itís what we do
best, isnít it. Drink tea in a
crises.... Crisis

Finished

I have to say that this flowed very easily.

Each one of your characters stood out and were very well defined.

The relationship that Billy had with each one was very warming and very funny in parts... Especially with the pothead Degsey.

XXX SPOILER XXX

The story itself was not as strong as your last feature, I realise some of the tension that was set up between Billy and his brother and Billy and Tony, but I was kinda hoping Henry would be dead again after smoking the pot, when Tony found him. That way, it would have opened up and Tony would have been enraged at Billy.

But in the end it just flowed very safely, Tony said he was sorry to his dad and everyone lived happily ever after... I think it's just missing that little kick... maybe Henry wanders off stoned and Degsey knows nothing as he fell asleep and so now there is a hunt for him, all why Tony feels he's been taken for a ride and he's gonna kill Billy.

Just my thoughts though.

Good job overall Anthony

Mark




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Alex_212
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy,

I just dumped your feature into Adobe on my IPAD and will get into it over the next few days.

Regards Alex


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Alex_212
Posted: September 12th, 2013, 4:21am Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

Just noticed your logline !!!

When money's tight, a young man will do anything for money, even if means digging up things he shouldn't.

Bit repetitive using Money twice.

I would tighten it up:-
A young man will do anything for money, even if it means digging up things he shouldn't.

I'll get the notes for the rest through in the next few days.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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Alex_212
Posted: September 13th, 2013, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

Enjoyed the read and just shot you an email with my notes.

Let me know if it's all clear.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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alffy
Posted: September 13th, 2013, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers guys.  I got your notes, Alex and they're great.

Mark, cheers for the notes and the read.  I started writing this as a comedy/horror and through changes it kind of came out as a drama/comedy.  I tried to make Degsey sound like he was trying to fake a gangster accent, hope that came off okay?

I thought you might have picked up on Vicar Melvin Drew's name...no, maybe you didn't watch that show about a grumpy old man?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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irish eyes
Posted: September 13th, 2013, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I saw " one foot in the grave".... I don't believe it

As  I say your characters are well defined including Degsey, you just need to create more challenges. As it was all too easy of an ending.

Still enjoyable

Mark


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 29th, 2013, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Got to read this but forgot to post a review so now I'm going to re-read it again. However, I'm leaving notes for each 15 pg I read so I don't forget. lol.

pg. 1 like the opening with the zombie flick. That was very funny.  The line that gets me is: "Weíll have none of this tom foolery round here. Now get back in your hole." lol.  

pg. 3 How does Agatha know Billy by first name while Billy doesn't?

For some odd reason I'm imagining Ricky Gervais as Billy.

You can add the black and white in the slug like:

INT. GRAVE - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE)

Don't need to put the BLACK AND WHITE as a note.

Degesy is a memorable character. lol. His speech is along will make actors recognize him. lol.

I like Debs. And her relationship with Billy later on but, I'll leave it for later.  

Stopped at pg. 20. Will continue this.

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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alffy
Posted: October 30th, 2013, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Gabe, I look forward to your future comments.

Thanks for the heads up about 'black and white' in slugs.

I tried to give the characters very different personalities, hence Degsey being a bit over the top lol.

As for Agatha knowing Billy; his mum use to help her out and so she knows the family and Billy but more when he was a wee tot.

Cheers again, bud.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I read your script last night, or was a fun read, thanks! Aside from Amal details that others mentioned the writing was pretty tight. I didn't make any specific notes so ill have to let it sit and I'll shoot you an email with any now general impressions I have.

-Richard
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alffy
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard, thanks for the read and glad you found it a fun read.  Yeah, send me an email, I'd be happy to know what you think after you've digested it for a couple of days.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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Sorry about this. lol

Read to pg. 40. here are my notes:

Why does Rasheed accept the change? I think you can set more urgency to Billy's situation if Rasheed doesn't accept the change. lol.

I think it should be Debs who should be snapping at billy's crotch. This dream seqeunce represents Billy's failures I guess. Jason not happy with him and Debs who he hasn't had the courage to ask. lol.

How is he listening to Agatha's tale if he was dreaming? lol.

I would like Debs to get revenge on Degsey

You should include a scene where Billy makes the connection to getting money from digging up dead people. Prob change the dream sequence?

Gabe
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