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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Penny's Parlor Moderators: bert
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  Author    Penny's Parlor  (currently 828 views)
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 9:58am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Penny's Parlor by Jim Pagano - Comedy, Dramedy -  Having survived a personal tragedy, a young women finds the strength through a somewhat unusual and controversial set of circumstances to redefine her life. 59 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: July 31st, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator

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I'm not sure the logline really hooks like it should.  We don't have any sense of a protagonist or a time frame.  

I'm guessing this should go in the series forum.

I see some formatting issues with the script but over all it looks fine.

I'm 12 pages in and so far nothing has happened.  The story just seems to be another day.  There is no hook to keep the view watching.

"Penny rolls her eyes, but then grabs one. She looks at it,
then in the mirror.
íRun the day. Donít let it run
She sighs, then puts it down. She spits out toothpaste then
grabs another. Reading it she chuckles:"

Would that be a V.O. or is she talking with a mouth full of toothpaste?

Remember in the logline, Sell your script, don't tell your script.

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