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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  I Love Sabrina Moderators: bert
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  Author    I Love Sabrina  (currently 1151 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Love Sabrina by Linda Leilani Brown - Comedy - Sabrina Washington, 17, quirky and chubby, enters a beauty contest to win the cover of Seventeen Magazine and 25,000 dollar but discovers beauty is more than skin deep. 114 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Her father, JOSEPH WASHINGTON, hears the alarm clock go off


Is he in Sabriba's room?
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eldave1
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Read thru a couple of pages. - Have some random thoughts:


Quoted Text
INT. SABRINA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

The alarm clock goes off on the night stand. Lady Gaga’s
“”Born That Way”” blares away on the airwaves or
something like it. The clock reads 7:30 am.


I think this is visually out of order. I would start with the clock time and then the alarm. e.g.,

An alarm clock on the nightstand reads: 7:29 A.M.  It turns to "7:30 AM" and the alarm goes off in the form of Lady Gaga’s “”Born That Way”.......

Anyway - just a thought.


Quoted Text
Slobber hangs from her mouth as she feels it and wipes it
off. Sabrina is a charmingly nerdy plump girl, with
glasses and braces.


You demonstrate pretty early on that she is nerdy - don't include the unfilmable here.


Quoted Text
Her father, JOSEPH WASHINGTON, hears the alarm clock go
off.


You got to put him in the hall or something - i.e., I think you are missing a scene heading.



Quoted Text
Good morning lovely!


Missing a comma after morning.


Quoted Text
A large black and white fake dog sits in the corner. She
hugs him.


Why not just tell us that it's stuffed or ceramic - fake is just the wrong descriptor here.


Quoted Text
Sabrina has a naive wild imagination.


Another unfilmable.


Quoted Text
and JACKY, 17, her other
best friend who’s “”mouthy”” and a nerd as well,
stand.


Another unfilmable.

You seem to have these everywhere. Count on your dialogue and action sequences to demonstrate your character's traits.

Good luck with this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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