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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Houng Moderators: bert
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  Author    Houng  (currently 1739 views)
Don
Posted: February 27th, 2016, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Houng by Rodriguez Fruitbat - Comedy, Dark Comedy - Two years after the failed premier of his last movie, a washed up centaur finds himself working the streets of Santa Monica Blvd. A disabled ex-stunt woman could either be his path to redemption or a turn down a darker road. 94 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, you're a good writer Fruitbat, lol. But I can't get past the Centaur thing and his name. I get it, but I am not anchored in this half human half animal deal. You have great story beats and it could be anyone here but it's Houng, the centaur, like it's supposed to be normal, but it's not. It's a gimmick. I don't know how you get around it and what I come up with is The Mask. Not sure how that fits but it takes normal and makes it abnormal but we buy it because of the mask and the music, so on and so forth. Maybe the sick part is a woman gives birth to this creature? I don't know. I enjoy the writing and the story beats though. Maybe I'll finish it just for kicks.
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eldave1
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first ten.

Style - format - all rock solid.

I just couldn't get past the centaur thing and didn't find anything particularly funny. I do look forward to seeing more from this author - just on a different premise I guess.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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cloroxmartini
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Ok so I read it, man was that fast, too. Some type os to be fixed but good screenwriting and story beats. The subject matter is dicey but it's a tight story built around Houng and his features. Good humor along the way without being cheesy and a good moral to boot but I still can't get past the centaur on screen, at least I don't think so. I think you did a great job with the character and I love how you wove everything together, even the cops from the opening. I'm impressed.
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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I have considered making an alternate, non-centaur version. I'm just not sure if I could pull off a serious drama.
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Jose
Posted: March 2nd, 2016, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Read up to the fifteenth page. I thought it was interesting at first because our main guy is a centaur, but I just didn't get hooked by it. I feel like there should be more comedy in it. I had a few laughs. I also think you're writing is pretty good, but there is one thing I'd like to comment on.

"In the city where dreams are made, no one makes eye contact. Unless it helps their career.
To them, Houng is about as interesting as a dude in a Batman costume."

Technically this not correct. It may be done in films where the writer is given the option by some production company or something, but traditionally it's not right to write like this. Just thought I'd point that out.
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback!

To be clear about your comment on that line, is it the prose that bothers you, the reference to a trademarked character, or both? I normally try to keep the descriptions as efficient and filmable as possible, but hoped it was okay to sneak a little tone in. Too much?
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cloroxmartini
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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I wouldn't change a thing in that description for the very reason the reader didn't get hooked. Writing that way anchors (as much as you can) this oddity in normal, life in LA, Hollywood, where Batman lives so to speak. The image is people go about their lives, HOW they go about their lives, when you think they would all stop and say wtf, a horseman! But you can't have that. Without your tone, this would be flat.
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Jose
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi guys

I'm referring to the prose. The reason I mention it is because in traditional scripts things aren't written that way. Just an observation. Hope I cleared up my comment.
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 3rd, 2016, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Yes that clears it up, and thanks for the opinion.

It's definitely worth discussion. I've seen a lot of overwritten scripts, but also a lot of well respected professional scripts, where a judicious amount of color can set the right tone and give the reader insight about characters and setting, without going into descriptive detail.

As an amateur, I'm still trying to find that line. It's great to hear different opinions.
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Jose
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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hey Rodriguez fruit bat,

read up to the 40th page and skim read the rest. It's really dark, not really my cup of tea. I know it's suppose to be funny that he's a porn star and all that. The fact that he's a centaur.  I thought some of it was funny, but it's not my cup of tea. I'd like to point out it flowed pretty well. Little exposition here and there. Good beats.

You're writings good. I think even better than mine. Look forward to reading some of other work!
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Cam Gray
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey Rodriguez FB,

It might be the fact that I did ancient studies at university, but I loved the centaur. I'm only up to page 41, but thus far having the randiest of ancient creatures (notoriously randy amongst the sex obsessed ancients) struggling with his sexually orientated professional slant, and really just wanting to be loved, I think it's brilliant.

Anyway, just my 2 cents, looking forward to getting through it. Also coming across a bunch of larpers and wanting to run had me going, thought that scene was properly funny. The subject matter is obviously pretty dark and isn't going to appeal to everyone, that being said I've had a grin across my face for most of the read.

Couple of typos I spotted:

P5 - you shat my cell - maybe put "in" or "over" in there
P7 - I'm dieing here - change to "dying"
P14 - I here there's - change to "hear"
P32 - I at least get an advance - Put "can" at the beginning, and question mark at end.
P34 - Letís for a walk - missing "go"

I'd probably try a centaur-less version as it's more likely to get made, but I really do like the absolutely surreal element of this hopped up, hoofed contradiction stumbling through life.


Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle https://tinyurl.com/y9poervu
Devolution of the Species Podcast https://tinyurl.com/tt9qp3t
Ian's Gone Postal https://tinyurl.com/y7c3wskq
Really Important Person Book Club Podcast https://tinyurl.com/y9bkuhqf
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy https://tinyurl.com/y97zwyhc
Algorithms For Loss https://tinyurl.com/ybx77pfv
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RodriguezFruitbat
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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It warms my heart to reach one other person with my weird sense of humour, and thanks for the detailed notes!

That said, it sounds like I should cut the self-doubt and write a serious version of a script for once. It might be worth a shot. Please let me know if you have anything written you'd like me to check out.
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Cam Gray
Posted: March 14th, 2016, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

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Hey Rodriguez,

Finished it off there, really liked it. I guess if you can get around the centaur then you can lose yourself in the script, and I'm glad to say I managed to. I've got a couple of comments:

I know it's a dark comedy, but I reckon you can trim down the 150 men to probably a handful, I'm not sure if it's supposed to be comedic or menacing here. If it's a handful then it probably fits better in the dark comedy bracket, with 150 it's a bit too over the top.

Maybe extend the ending slightly. Everything is really detailed in the build up, but it fades really quickly when they leave the on-ramp. Maybe some interaction in the background between the cops and Wade.

Also some other little typos:
P.64 - in a speedo - change to "man in speedos ", you might be correct in your version if it's an American thing, in Australia I'd go with my suggestion.
P.64 - I serious - change to "I'm serious"
P.65 - Iím not so sre - change to "sure"
P.67 - costumers - change to "customers"
P.67 - He love being in - change to "loves"
P.72 - every costumer he have - change to "every customer we have"
P75. - Iím just want - change to "I just want"

Anyway really enjoyed it myself, but maybe I'm just a bit odd, who knows. I'm new to all this script writing stuff so maybe take the advice of the folk above and try a cleaner copy without the centaur if you really want it to get made. If it's a pet project for odd balls like myself then stick with what you've got, cheers for keeping me entertained!

Cheers

Cam

p.s. I've only managed one script so far, but if you get a couple of hours and feel like a read here's the link - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-drama/m-1457743137/


Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle https://tinyurl.com/y9poervu
Devolution of the Species Podcast https://tinyurl.com/tt9qp3t
Ian's Gone Postal https://tinyurl.com/y7c3wskq
Really Important Person Book Club Podcast https://tinyurl.com/y9bkuhqf
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy https://tinyurl.com/y97zwyhc
Algorithms For Loss https://tinyurl.com/ybx77pfv
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