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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Down Time Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 9th, 2016, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Down Time by Richard Brown - Comedy, Drama - Curtis Rooks returns home after a four stint in the Army and finds new luck but must overcome dirty cops and a ruthless Mob boss in order to solve a friendís murder. 117 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 19th, 2016, 9:32am
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cloroxmartini
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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I think the hook could come a lot sooner if you cleaned up the writing; very cluttered what with camera shots and cuts and all. I might be inclined to ditch your opening stuff and go right to the caddie. Shoot for 5 pages to the WF alarm
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NW3
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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There might be lighter moments but it's not a comedy - surely that's not 'hilarity' when the guys are threatened with a knife? This should be in Drama or even Thrillers

If the writer is around I have notes, you can send me a PM if you want.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: March 11th, 2016, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from NW3
There might be lighter moments but it's not a comedy - surely that's not 'hilarity' when the guys are threatened with a knife? This should be in Drama or even Thrillers


Ditto, plumb forgot about the comedy part...not

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RichardB
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Thank you for the post. I am deeply grateful to hear back from you. Yes I agree that its not comedy though I was pleased with the light-hearted moments. Its a thriller by any definition with some amusing characters. Tada provides most of any humor through his unorthodox, spontaneous demeanor and I also enjoyed Dayton's darker side, playing mumblety-peg between the bad guy's legs. Picture the actor Ray Winston, knocked out laying on the floor,legs spread while Dayton throws a knife over and over again, sticking it ever so close to Ray's crotch then oops, he sticks Ray in the thigh. Big surprise, Ray was awake the whole time; heard everything Rooks and Dayton had to say and from the look on Rays face, we don't know whether Rays going to cry or spit bullets but we know its not going to be good.

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RichardB  -  March 28th, 2016, 11:18pm
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