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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Freshman Dads Moderators: bert
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  Author    Freshman Dads  (currently 1073 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Freshman Dads by Christopher Lacich - Comedy - Two middle-aged fast food executives are fired after a high profile product flop. Under the terms of their severance package designed by their devious CEO, they must return to college to obtain up-front cash and $2,000,000 on the back-end.  This happens at the same time as their daughters are entering the freshman class.  COPYRIGHT 2014-2016 by Christopher P. Lacich. All Rights Reserved. - pdf, format


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AlsoBen
Posted: August 31st, 2016, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Christopher,

Too many unfilmables. I'm pretty relaxed about this normally because it can make a script more fun to read. But you've gone into detail about the company a character works for while introducing the character. This also makes for long unbroken paragraphs and pages with no dialogue. If you want the reader to know about Burger Corp, show us through film. Someone watching the filmed version of Freshman Dad can't see where a character works as soon as he's on screen (unless its like a uniform or something).

EXT. DAY. CHICAGO. MORNING TRAFFIC SNARL. TRAFFIC JAMS

That's one of your slugs. It's redundant (traffic snarls + jams? Are they two different things?). You could have done this by putting EXT. HIGHWAY or whatever then describing a jam. I don't think its normal to put the city in the slug unless its incredibly important or visible (eg EXT. MANHATTAN SKYLINE).

Okay so you do the unfilmables thing for every major character. No.

The conversation in the minivan is too expository and reads badly. No one talks like that.

I laughed at the joke with the tour guide hallucinating but again, you can achieve that without a new slug.

I'm struggling with this so I'm going to stop.

Best wishes.


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Vincent
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Make it a specific Chicago expressway (e.g., the Dan Ryan), the city probably shouldn't be included in the slug.
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