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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  People's Parties Moderators: bert
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eldave1
Posted: January 2nd, 2017, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted Text
Hey Dave! My greatest thanks for looking into this. I know it's not your style.


My pleasure - it was an easy read - not my taste as you said - but solid writing. Will try to get to more.


Quoted Text
The funny thing is, I'm 22 and a child protection officer :p you only need a bachelors to do it over here.


Wow - in USA you need Master's Degree and a year or two as intern.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: January 2nd, 2017, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Next 20


Quoted Text
INT. JANETíS HOUSE - BATHROOM
Janet is using the toilet, the sounds of the party muffled.
Sammy quickly enters, shutting the door behind her.


This could be punched up a bit. Show us she's drunk. e.g.,

A very drunk Janet hums to the sound of muffled party music. Sammy bursts in slamming the door behind her.


Quoted Text
MORRO
MOMA exhibit by Marina Abramovic


Certainly natural dialogue - you think the readers are going to know what MOMA is?


Quoted Text
Sammy laughs and kisses Dan on the cheek.
SAMMY
Goodnight, Dan.
DAN
Goodnight, Sammy.


Think you can end the scene with something better. It is a really poignant scene. They're re-uniting in away, Dan's life is about to change. I don't know, something like after Sammy says goodnight - she turns over. Dan just stares at the ceiling a moment - contemplates.

DAN
Yeah, maybe it was.

Just something other than goodnight - goodnight.

Quoted Text

SAMMY
Thankyou.


Should be Thank you.


Quoted Text
JANET
That was like three weeks ago.


This kind of surprised me. Had not quite visualized that much time had passed.


Quoted Text
The front page reads: "100 REASONS WHY CHILDBIRTH DESTROYS
YOUR CAREER, RELATIONSHIPS AND THE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR ANUS
AND VAGINA".


A funny visual - just not sure it fits - it wouldn't be in a medical office.

Okay - thru 40 - final note. The Doctor/Sammy scene has some brilliant parts in it. However, this is the point where Sammy's empathy meter drops significantly. If that it the objective - okay. If it is not - you may want to revisit lines like:


Quoted Text
SAMMY
I want it out of me. Can we do that
now? Murder it. Make it go away.


It's a great line. But is it where you want the character to go in our mind. Right here and other places in this scene, for me Sammy went from some kind of hapless, wandering, girl that I couldn't help but somehow like to selfish, uncaring and unaware. I hated to see the Sammy I like go I guess.

Writing is still real solid.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: January 2nd, 2017, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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And - now done.


Quoted Text
EXT. MELBOURNE AIRPORT - DAY
Dan and Sammy stand outside the arrivals terminal a huge,
busy airport. They both carry a weekendís worth of luggage.
They await a taxi.
DAN
Does Uber work here?
SAMMY
Not from the airport.
A TAXI pulls up. The pair hop in.


Not sure you need this scene - it doesn't add anything really.

Okay. Ben, I've finished it. Overall thoughts:

There were many places where I thought the writing was stellar - the quirkiness of the characters and some of the dialogue was outstanding.

There were some scenes (I mentioned some) that seemed a bit throwaway for me. The one i mentioned earlier about Uber comes to mind - each scene and each line has to count.

There were some opportunities missed and I think you have sufficient space to include them. IMO, there was not enough in depth dialogue about the background regarding Dan's arousal from violence. His interaction with Joel could have been a place for this but more some in depth conversation with Sammy. Something akin to I don't get it - how is it that the gentlest soul I know needs violence to orgasm?

The abortion thing - now, I am not a prude on this and am pretty much pro choice. But Sammy is so seemingly nonchalant about aborting a 6 month old fetus. Dan is too. This topic is rich for development. As an example, the I think if Sammy visits her sister before the abortion - wala - scenes with doubt and conflict. Sammy should at least have her sister's admonition's in her head as she's lying on the table. Even Dan could be an interesting angle here. He seems to have no opinion. I think  he should - and have one without judgement (i.e., he's not a judger given his own issues - but he ought to have a point of view). Hell, maybe he even wants Sammy to keep it so he can raise it. Or - is so jaded by his child abuse work can't imagine why anyone who bring a child into the room.

The ending just kind of ended for me. No real resolutions. Has any one grown? Changed? Just seemed to me that our two characters (Sammy and Dan) are where they started. It needs something like Sammy running into a Ted and realizing that he was a douche and she's moving on. The abortion is about half the script and it seems to have no real impact on her. Stuff like that.

I ended up really liking these two quirky characters. I'm just not sure what they got out of the journey they took together.

That being said - there is tons of potential here.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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