I really appreciate the thoroughness (sp?), Spesh. I competely agree that it was a "hasty" effort in the second half -- I wrote it in about two days and did a (clearly very quick) error-fix. There's a lot here for me to digest.

Re: all the problems with action descriptions. I completely agree. I don't focus much on action (moreso dialogue) and it always suffers as a result.

Quoted Text Okay, I'm at page 40. So far, this seems to lack focus. Your two main characters are in one-two scenes together pretty much from around page 20-25. And then we dovetail into their own stories again -- before that, their stories kind of built towards them sharing time (though there wasn't much of a build-up or pay-off to them being connected). And I don't really see the parallels between their own separate stories. This feels like it should be two different films. But, I'll read on....

I certainly agree that the script lacks a clear focus. I defs need a rewrite haha. However, I don't think it's accurate that it should be two different films. I can think of many mainstream movies with seperate storylines that collide at one or two points, linked thematically. I think the stories here are themtically linked and they obviously collide at several points.

Quoted Text there is no relation or parallel in an abstract, ideological kind of way. Their separate stories do not share any meaning, any similar theme. It just feels unbalanced.

I mean, I'm in disagreement on this with you. "Ideologically" and thematically the two characters have the same issues, just in a different context. The scripts about the post-adolescence, post-graduate, pre-childrearing confusing that 20 somethings go through.

Quoted Text Eh, the shit jokes/toilet humor dialogue is wearing a bit thin.

HAHA oh thankyou for being honest. It was the refuge of the lazy.

Quoted Text Dialogue from the abortion clinic (the Nurse) overlaps into the next scene as a voice over as Joel kisses Dan on the lips.

I jus re-read this, and it confused me too - I dont even remember writing it, lol. Thanks for catching that.

And a HUGE thankyou about clarifying the "order or shots" issues -- reading those descs felt off to me, too, but I couldn't articulate why. Now I know.

Anyway, just to be clear, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and write this. I agree with, 99% of what you said just a few things I felt I needed to make clear.

Ben

You wrote this scipt in TWO DAYS?? Holy moly, I'm even slower than I thought....

I need months, maybe even a f*cking year to finish the script that I'm currently working on. But in my defense, I'm not a native speaker, that slows everything down.

Sorry for spamming, but writing an entire script in a couple of days feels surreal to me.

Quoted Text You wrote this scipt in TWO DAYS??/

OH, no -- I wrote the first 20/25 pages over a week or so. The rest of it was in a marathan, mania-induced effort. Do not recommend. And then were a few days were I sat on it and made little edits.

Still, it's so frustrating that other people finish a script (or at least a first draft) in just a few weeks and I struggle to finish half of a script in months....

You said English isn't your first langauge, which is a huge barrier (and from the quality of your posts, I never would have guessed). This script excluded, I struggle with writing most of the time, and English is my native language. AND, a quickly written script is rarely the best it could be. Take your time.

Hey, Ben.

Finally started this. Thought I'd check in at the 10 page mark.

So people have already mentioned it but there are some grammar issues and typos, easy fix. I won’t harp on that.

Story wise, so far so good, I already feel like each of the characters has their own voice, which is great for 10 pages.

This is some funny stuff, I’ve laughed several times already.

May take me some time, but I will push on and let you know my thoughts along the way.

Cheers.

Thanks for the read Warren. Glad you've liked it so far. Hope you enjoy the rest.

Okay just hit page 51, no comments just a question.

Dan = BPD?

I thought so very early on but now I'm almost 100%.

Page 78 now, DBT program, question answered. I’ll just finish up and comment then PM you.

Done and done.

So, overall I liked it. There is some good comedy throughout. The dialogue is really great, it’s definitely not an easy thing to master but yours is solid.

Quite a few typos and grammar issues. Will leave that up to you to find and fix.

There is a problem though. As I see it, neither character has an arc. Yes Dan says he will do the right thing this time, but will he, will he really? I guess if you take this deeper you could almost say BPD makes you more one dimensional, not in how you act but in how things will generally turn out. Unfortunately I think producers will want an arc or at the very least some kind of resolution.

Sammy doesn’t really learn from any of her problems either, even saying that they are too old to be new people, (god I hope not, they are only what, 22 and 23).

Moving out seems to be a step in the right direction for her but in the last scene they end up together again.

I think if this wasn’t rushed and you gave it the attention it deserved, this could be great.

Hey Warren, thanks for reading, sorry I didn't notice your comments yesterday. Yes, Dan is written to be suffering from borderline personality disorder. I didn't want to name it because it's an illness that differs so much between people, and I didn't want to contribute to it's stigma.

Thanks for the feedback. When I rewrite, I'm going to have a lot to consider here.

Okay, so I'm really late to the party (no pun intended) but I found this script affected me. I read the entire thing more than a month ago (I've been a lurker on this board for a while) and was just really impressed by it. It crossed my mind a bunch of times, which I think is the mark of a strong story.

The one (and critical) flaw I think is the lack of character arc -- but aside from that, it was really really well done.  Love the sex scene then breakup -- found the abortion scene shocking (in a good way, if that makes sense) -- thought the mental illness was handled smartly -- the dialogue as a whole was sharp and funny.

I really liked the two main characters but just wished they could have been in a better place at the end.
All in all, this was a great story.

Hey Cooper, thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it. Feel free to PM me if you have something for me to read.

Ben - read the first 20. Style and format wise really solid. Just enough description and the dialogue is snappy. You do very well with dialogue. Some nit notes from the first 20:

Quoted Text Peter is still grinning. PETER It’s a cock-ring. DAN Okay. Dan stares at the offending body part. PETER It helps me stay hard.

A missed chance here. I would either lose Dan's "okay" and just have him stare at it or replace it with a line something akin to: "Jewelry?"

Quoted Text EXT. PETER’S HOUSE - NIGHT Dan is let out the front door by Peter. PETER Nice to meet you. DAN Yeah. You too. Thanks for the Valium. Peter smiles and waves. Dan starts walking towards his car.

This scene doesn't add much. I would consider deleting it or at least punching it up. have some conversation akin to Peter: when do you think you're going to need a refill.? Dan- not sure I'll ever need it that bad again.  

Quoted Text SAMMY (CONT) Anyway, he rang me back and goes "you didn’t hang up the properly, the message you left...an air conditioner?".

think you need a "phone" after the

Dan seems too young (22) to be a child investigator - I would consider bumping him up to the 25 year old range.

Lot of funny moments in the Ted/Sammy injury scene - just didn't quite buy the logistics of stepping on a piece of glass resulting in an ambulance/x-rays/etc. I think you need to step up the severity of the injury or at least - in a comical way - speak to the absurdity of the level of treatment Ted needs for this minor wound.

Hey Dave! My greatest thanks for looking into this. I know it's not your style.

The funny thing is, I'm 22 and a child protection officer :p you only need a bachelors to do it over here.

You're right about everything else though. I've since rewritten this as a pilot and I hope it clears some things up.