SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 26th, 2020, 5:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Ninja Man Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Ninja Man  (currently 693 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 11:49am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14282
Posts Per Day
1.97
Ninja Man by Justin Swartz - Comedy, Action, Parody - An out-of-work actor forgets who he really is and assumes the identity of his Power Ranger-style character, Ninja Man. 140 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
LuisAnthony
Posted: August 14th, 2017, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
107
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hello!

The script is very long. A very long script like this really discourages readers to fully commit into reading it. I suggest  trimming the script. Analyze every scene, every line of dialogue, every character action, and think if it absolutely needs to be there to advance the plot. Action/Comedy films normally should be shorter, efficient, and quick to the point.

If you believe this script absolutely earns the 140 page count, then I suggest seeking direct feedback from someone, script exchanges are quite successful here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
HyperMatt
Posted: September 4th, 2017, 9:44am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
London, UK
Posts
444
Posts Per Day
0.33
The most important lesson I've learned this year is that even 120 pages for a spec script is too long. If you want industry professionals to take it seriously, it has to be in the 90s at most.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
HyperMatt
Posted: September 7th, 2017, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
London, UK
Posts
444
Posts Per Day
0.33
I at last got through your 140 pages. This is clearly a parody of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Show, and maybe also of Ninja movies. Let me start by saying I have never been a fan of either, so I’m sure there is a lot of in-jokes and Easter Eggs that I have missed.
I had a lot of issues with this script, but the main one is the length. It’s at least 40 pages too long, and the overstretched story really felt it wasn’t going to a destination. Marlene is rescued by Ninjaman, then they go on a strange journey, where they meet a series of other ninja characters, and this leads to a strange place called the ‘fog dimension’ which seems to be some kind of Twilight Zone.  It is so long because of very long scenes and Wassap-like dialog exchanges that go on forever. And despite the length, there is not really any action less scenes where the heroes sit back and we learn a bit about their inner workings.
The logline is not really what this story is about, it would be more like ‘An ordinary girl is saved by a ninja superhero and they team up with his ninja allies to stop his enemies’, which is most of the story, your current logline describes the big reality show reveal, that happens well after pg.100, I thought that a lot of action was lame, but it seems you’ve made it lame by purpose, but it’s like what Robert Zemeckis said about ‘Death Becomes Her’, that critics judged the deliberately tacky opening dance number as bad cinema.
Ninjaman, Ninjaman… I had such a dislike to this character. . He’s more irritating than Jar Jar Binks, I’m serious. He comes across as a macho dumb asshole, the caveman English, the misogyny, the ninja poses  The “me Ninjaman, you Jane” Tarzan speech gets tedious very quickly, and it does not really develop through the story, he is saying the same things. After his identity is revealed close to the end of the script, you still refer to Alan as Ninjaman.

The romance between Ninjaman and Marlene, and Ninja Woman feels forced and a lot of the dialog. Marlene’s reactions to a lot of things does not seems unnatural, she does not seem astonished by her situation, which I think would have to be there, even in a parody. Some may say I’m and old prune, but there was humour that was too crude for me, such as the groin touching. The most offensive character to the audience I think would be ‘White Woman’. She’s a very stereotypical blaxplotatoin character with some questionable dialog.
The characters I liked most was Cyber One and Cybertwo, their mechanical detachment was quite welcome, like their dialog too. What kept me reading was this curiosity to find out who these Off Screen film-makers were, was it a dream? Was it a film within a film? – That reveal comes far too late.
Sorry to be so negative, you obviously spent a lot of time on this, but I think a lot of things here have to be reworked.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006