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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  In Search of Hysterical Jesus Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Search of Hysterical Jesus  (currently 2985 views)
eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2019, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
In for about 40 pages, but that's going to be it for me.

Not because the writing isn't good (you're a talented writer, no question), but the subject matter (religion, essentially) is just not my bag.

For example, I've always been a fan of Kevin Smith, and Chasing Amy is one of the underrated movies of the '90s, but give me Dogma, and I pass. Not quite sure what it is that leaves me to give this subject matter / genre a wide berth (I'm neither religious nor anti-religious); much the same way I do with fantasy. They're just the type of movies I need to be arm twisted into watching.

So I think it's important to preface my thoughts with that.

Right through to the point where Barry (with the dressing gown and demeanour, I assume this was a nod to The Duderino) passes away, I was on board. Even through to the passage with God. I was basically done at the point he is on a mission with Jesus. The writing is lean and economical, and there are some funny moments. Me checking out is a reflection of me rather than your script.

That's the beauty of film, of course; different people respond to different things. You can't please all of the people, all of the time.

There is absolutely an audience for this type of movie, and it's certainly plotted in those early pages attractively.

This is a personal feeling, but I feel that title will put some people off. I think you need something shorter and more accessible.

Good luck with it.


Thanks for the read and your thoughts- appreciated.  Yes - this is the type of thing that won't be for everyone


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JayF
Posted: April 2nd, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

Went through the first 16 pages. Reads fast.

For your consideration, you might look at compressing the script before his death. "Kill your darlings?"

For example:
If his lawn was perfectly manicured, his mail collected, and to show him firing dog shit into his neighbour's pool? We ask...Why does he hate his neighbour? With a ratty lawn, it's not a stretch...he's an asshole. But, with a perfect lawn, it's something the neighbour did.

Eventually, he gets to the Comedy Club and then talks about something that we (the audience) are already aware of...Kill all of the expositional dialogue he has with the neighbours, his ex, in jail, his lawyer about his ex and only present it during his comedy routine.

Then we go...OH, THAT'S why he's firing dog shit into his neighbour's pool. And if he ends his routine with "...So I fired dogshit in their pool." Which, from the patrons of the Comedy Club would be funny and outrageous, that they would think it's just a comedy bit, that's it's not true, but we (the movie audience) knows that it's something that is truly painful to him. His external self vs. his internal self.

Funny stuff, though. Will continue on with it and send further if you would like.

Keep at it.

Cheers.
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2019, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JayF
Hi David,

Went through the first 16 pages. Reads fast.

For your consideration, you might look at compressing the script before his death. "Kill your darlings?"

For example:
If his lawn was perfectly manicured, his mail collected, and to show him firing dog shit into his neighbour's pool? We ask...Why does he hate his neighbour? With a ratty lawn, it's not a stretch...he's an asshole. But, with a perfect lawn, it's something the neighbour did.

Eventually, he gets to the Comedy Club and then talks about something that we (the audience) are already aware of...Kill all of the expositional dialogue he has with the neighbours, his ex, in jail, his lawyer about his ex and only present it during his comedy routine.

Then we go...OH, THAT'S why he's firing dog shit into his neighbour's pool. And if he ends his routine with "...So I fired dogshit in their pool." Which, from the patrons of the Comedy Club would be funny and outrageous, that they would think it's just a comedy bit, that's it's not true, but we (the movie audience) knows that it's something that is truly painful to him. His external self vs. his internal self.

Funny stuff, though. Will continue on with it and send further if you would like.

Keep at it.

Cheers.


Thanks,  mate. Good notes.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JayF
Posted: April 3rd, 2019, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

Finished up the script, so my thoughts....?

What is missing is a consistent story spine and structure. The scenes seem episodic as there is minimal connective tissue between them. Maybe your sensing that as well? It's funny, the scenes are funny, but don't move the story forward...it's just Barry cracking jokes.

Consider having him go back to Sunday School.

If I may...?

Barry, a funny, foul-mouthed, blasphemous comedian. Does drugs, snorts coke, and has a heart attack on stage.
Goes to heaven and fails the DMV exam. He is given a choice, go to hell or go to Sunday School. (He was forced to go and hated Sunday School as a kid, so that's why he hates religion...)
He says okay to Sunday School, thinking its in a church classroom. But, to his surprise, he is literally living in the Bible stories alongside Jesus. Which takes him into all of those stories and his comedy.
(Take out all the back and forth to heaven stuff, keep him in the Bible world until the end.)
Throughout his 'living' beside Jesus, he learns the lessons that Jesus teaches and recognizes the errors of his ways of his life on earth. Leading to his redemption and change of heart.
Finish up with him waking up in the hospital and finding even greater success in his life (on Earth) by giving and getting forgiveness from his ex and living a cleaner life.


And, just for the record, I am not religious. And that is a movie that I would watch.

Cheers.
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eldave1
Posted: April 3rd, 2019, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JayF
Hi David,

Finished up the script, so my thoughts....?

What is missing is a consistent story spine and structure. The scenes seem episodic as there is minimal connective tissue between them. Maybe your sensing that as well? It's funny, the scenes are funny, but don't move the story forward...it's just Barry cracking jokes.

Consider having him go back to Sunday School.

If I may...?

Barry, a funny, foul-mouthed, blasphemous comedian. Does drugs, snorts coke, and has a heart attack on stage.
Goes to heaven and fails the DMV exam. He is given a choice, go to hell or go to Sunday School. (He was forced to go and hated Sunday School as a kid, so that's why he hates religion...)
He says okay to Sunday School, thinking its in a church classroom. But, to his surprise, he is literally living in the Bible stories alongside Jesus. Which takes him into all of those stories and his comedy.
(Take out all the back and forth to heaven stuff, keep him in the Bible world until the end.)
Throughout his 'living' beside Jesus, he learns the lessons that Jesus teaches and recognizes the errors of his ways of his life on earth. Leading to his redemption and change of heart.
Finish up with him waking up in the hospital and finding even greater success in his life (on Earth) by giving and getting forgiveness from his ex and living a cleaner life.


And, just for the record, I am not religious. And that is a movie that I would watch.

Cheers.


Thanks.  Jay. A lot of good thoughts to consider there. Appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CrackedAces
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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David, I took a glance at your script.  Very well written.  But may I be nit-picky on the POV shot on page 2.

BARRY’S POV

A row of tall CYPRESS TREES, densely packed, on the neighbor
side of Barry’s cinder block wall rise twenty feet in the air
- a green fortress.

BACK TO SCENE

Why NOT just say: Barry’s view of a row of tall  . . .  . .
And strike the POV and the BACK TO SCENE.

As this would also save four lines.

Steve






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eldave1
Posted: April 17th, 2019, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CrackedAces
David, I took a glance at your script.  Very well written.  But may I be nit-picky on the POV shot on page 2.

BARRY’S POV

A row of tall CYPRESS TREES, densely packed, on the neighbor
side of Barry’s cinder block wall rise twenty feet in the air
- a green fortress.

BACK TO SCENE

Why NOT just say: Barry’s view of a row of tall  . . .  . .
And strike the POV and the BACK TO SCENE.

As this would also save four lines.

Steve




Excellent suggestion - thanks, mate


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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As a comedian just recently died on stage, in Europe I believe, this suddenly becomes very topical.


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HyperMatt
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
As a comedian just recently died on stage, in Europe I believe, this suddenly becomes very topical.


And they thought his death was part of the act.

Just like Tommy Cooper and (I think) Sid James before him.


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eldave1
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from StevenClark
As a comedian just recently died on stage, in Europe I believe, this suddenly becomes very topical.


Interesting.  Buzz


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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