CW: cautionary warning?

Pages are fairly flying by, Dave. Effortless writing. Loved the bit with the 'round up'.

The worst part is that
she left me for the dude next
store.

Typo? Next door?

Will post more after I've read the lot.
Gotta say I'm not a fan of the title so far...

Quoted from LC CW: cautionary warning? Pages are fairly flying by, Dave. Effortless writing. Loved the bit with the 'round up'. The worst part is that she left me for the dude next store. Typo? Next door? Will post more after I've read the lot. Gotta say I'm not a fan of the title so far...

Ah- that makes sense for "CW." I typed the note as I did not want anyone to get inadvertently offended - just not the CW.  You are a sleuth!

Thanks for the typo catch - s/b door.

Will have to see if you change you mind on the title.......

I read this and really enjoyed it. Great work!

Michael

Quoted from MStandage I read this and really enjoyed it. Great work! Michael

Thanks. Michael

Dave,

Just read the first five pages because I have something to take care of. The first five pages were up to standard especially the description of Barry and Sharon and the conflict between the two.

Michael

Just saw this, Dave.

Will read the lot tomorrow. Just going to finish off Paul's scripts and I'll drive straight it.

Can't wait.

Well done on writing this feature, Dave. It's always an achievement to get FADE OUT done on such a massive effort. Below are the notes I typed as I was reading so you know exactly what my frame of mind was at each page.



Page 2 - parentheticals (at Booker) there's no one else in the room and Barry is interacting with the dog, I don't think the parentheticals are needed. There's a lot of parentheticals throughout. Personal preference I know, I avoid them like the plague unless absolutely necessary simply because I know actors hate them. This shouldn't affect any screenwriting competition though.

First few pages and I really dislike Barry. Is that intentional? I've no idea why he's being such an ass. Probably these guys deserve it but I don't know why. Page 10, oh, he loves her? Weird.

If I were giving this script an evaluation and reached page 10, I'm 50/50 if I would carry on. It's well written, but 10 minutes of Barry being a dick and flaunting the fact that the law can't touch him may not be enough for me to want to continue. But I will! Also, I do realise this kind of setup can work perfectly. Bill Murray in Scrooged for example. The thing with that example is everyone expects Scrooge to be nasty.

Page 12 - the dog bowls - This gag, the same one was used in season 1 of the Good Place. Not suggesting you copied it, just that The Good Place is going to be an obvious comparison due to the source material.

Barry's death scene feels like it's missing something. I'm not even sure what, maybe it's rushed? Dunno, but it's missing something. It feels wrong.

You can streamline some of the action. For example, page 19 - "Barry reaches in his pocket, retrieves the pack of smokes and
hands them to Saint Peter." It reads like giving instructions to an actor robot fashion. Considering the action and dialogue above this, something as simple as "He hands them over." would suffice.

I'm enjoying the banter with St Peter. The DMV and IRS lol. I'm just wondering, why Barry is getting personal attention from Peter? Or does everyone entering heaven get their own personal Peter? I see all the workstations are manned by a Peter, so maybe everyone has a Peter with them like a virtual app? It makes the scene so expensive it probably blows most budgets but if you are gonna aim high, aim higher!

"As soon as he was Abel" - lmao.

The chat with God is a little cliche. I'd suggest giving god form, something ridiculous. Like a turnip. Well, maybe not a turnip but something we don't expect, something that Barry can't take seriously. At the moment it makes zero sense why Barry is being given any special treatment (which maybe is the point) but it would help if we could see that there is something wrong and Barry is maybe in a position to help. What if God had forgotten how to do humour or never had that capability and the only reason he keeps humans around is because they make him laugh but he's incapable of humour, he can just mimic what humans do. It puzzles him and Barry is the conduit of God's attempts to solve the mystery.  Something like that anyway.

The Three Stooges is a funny scene. You could have a lot of fun reimagining bible scenes. Issac Asimov once had this idea to re-write the bible as a sci-fi. He only managed to re-write Genesis before giving up on the project but that's well worth a read if you can find it.

Barry & Jesus. The scene had its moments, particularly when they came across the sentries, but I did find myself drifting quite often with their chatter. It needs more umph, more action, more comedy that isn't relying on Barry's attempts at humour or Jesus misunderstanding him.

At this point, I still don't root for your protagonist. I don't particularly care if he ends up in the bad place and still don't understand why God is putting so much effort into redeeming him. I agree with all of Peter's comments about Barry.

I got to page 66 and my lunch break ran out but I've started skimming and drifting. I don't think any more notes from me will be useful. I'm going to call it there and offer the above in the hope that they are useful and helpful. Comedy is very subjective, so take my comments or leave them - they are offered freely.  

i remember a movie/documentary by that name many many years ago—In Search Of Historical Jesus. Is this a riff on that?

Loving this.

On pg 20, how about having different angels manning the stations?  It if you do stick with saint peter, wouldn’t Barry make a joke about seeing all the saint peters?

Interested in how you describe every scene in heaven without int/ext. Not having a problem with it but, surprisingly works for me lol. So simple.

Pg 33. I think the exchange between god and Barry can be shortened. For instance, Barry: can I say beam me up Scotty. God: how about phasers on stun? Crash of lightening followed by branch breaking. Barry: point taken.

So finished it.

I would find it interesting if satan got involved but that will go against the main story which was Barry starting a new life without Sharon.

Good luck with this.
Gabe

Hi, Dave.

Reading this, on p20 now.
The first impression is - yes I'm loving it. I do have a gripe--

I think it's the fact that he has to go and perform. I didn't get why. I know the guy with the Rolex (his name is hard to remember) put a bail down, but still.

I also don't see the proper resistance to go - so this "going to perform" is out of blue for me. It's not fully connected and I wish it was.

And I continue with the read.

By the way, do you watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel? Maybe you should. It's about a female comedian. Something tells me you'll like it.

Quoted from MStandage I read this and really enjoyed it. Great work! Michael

Thanks. Michael - glad you liked it.

Quoted from Warren Just saw this, Dave. Will read the lot tomorrow. Just going to finish off Paul's scripts and I'll drive straight it. Can't wait.

Thanks, mate.

Quoted from SAC i remember a movie/documentary by that name many many years ago—In Search Of Historical Jesus. Is this a riff on that?

Yes - that is the source of the title

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Loving this. On pg 20, how about having different angels manning the stations?  It if you do stick with saint peter, wouldn’t Barry make a joke about seeing all the saint peters? Interested in how you describe every scene in heaven without int/ext. Not having a problem with it but, surprisingly works for me lol. So simple. Pg 33. I think the exchange between god and Barry can be shortened. For instance, Barry: can I say beam me up Scotty. God: how about phasers on stun? Crash of lightening followed by branch breaking. Barry: point taken. So finished it. I would find it interesting if satan got involved but that will go against the main story which was Barry starting a new life without Sharon. Good luck with this. Gabe

Thanks for reading, Gabe:

Thought about the angels - somehow multiple Saint Peters just stuck me as funnier.

On the INT/EXT - yeah, omitted them as I didn't think they made sense in terms or "Heaven" - glad it didn't cause any hiccups for you.

Like your suggestions for p. 33. Thanks

Re: Satan. Maybe for the sequel

Quoted from khamanna Hi, Dave. Reading this, on p20 now. The first impression is - yes I'm loving it. I do have a gripe-- I think it's the fact that he has to go and perform. I didn't get why. I know the guy with the Rolex (his name is hard to remember) put a bail down, but still. I also don't see the proper resistance to go - so this "going to perform" is out of blue for me. It's not fully connected and I wish it was. And I continue with the read. By the way, do you watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel? Maybe you should. It's about a female comedian. Something tells me you'll like it.

Hey, Khamanna - much thanks for reading.  He has to perform because he's a stand-up comedian and he's shooting an HBO special that night.

I do like Mrs. Maizel