Wait Till Next Year by Paul Knauer - Comedy, Family, Sports - His career stalling, a small-town radio play-by-play talent decides to lift the downtrodden town, and his career prospects, by calling the winless high school basketball team to a mythical championship. 101 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very clever, Paul.

I read straight through - writing was excellent. Only thing I could offer as I thought Edwards offer to Lynn to leave town with him was a little early in their relationship.

Nice little story you have here. Very smooth read.

Has this changed much from when I read it?

Quoted from eldave1 Very clever, Paul. I read straight through - writing was excellent. Only thing I could offer as I thought Edwards offer to Lynn to leave town with him was a little early in their relationship. Nice little story you have here. Very smooth read.

Thanks, Dave. Appreciate the comments.

I'll look and see if I can move that particular moment any.

Quoted from Warren Has this changed much from when I read it?

I can't remember exactly when I shared it with you... but, I don't think it's much different, if at all.

I've moved on to my next feature rather than go through another rewrite on this one.

I think this is at the "tweak around the edges phase." Definitely not worth another read for you.

And, if anyone else takes a gander, they could keep that in mind: notes like Dave's are what I'm hoping for. Anything too big at this point is unlikely to happen for now.

Thanks for asking, and for the earlier read!!

Quoted from PKCardinal I can't remember exactly when I shared it with you... but, I don't think it's much different, if at all. I've moved on to my next feature rather than go through another rewrite on this one. I think this is at the "tweak around the edges phase." Definitely not worth another read for you. And, if anyone else takes a gander, they could keep that in mind: notes like Dave's are what I'm hoping for. Anything too big at this point is unlikely to happen for now. Thanks for asking, and for the earlier read!!

No problem. I look forward to reading your next one

For those from the Missouri Stories Fellowship thread wanting to read...

I'm currently in the process of making a few big changes. Will post the new version in a couple of weeks.

Minor adjustments in the first and second act. Two big additions to the third.

Paul, I finally got a chance to sit down yesterday and read this through in one sitting. You know of course, being a fan of your writing, I had great expectations. I was not disappointed!  At the risk of being labeled a sap who raves over everything - let me be clear - I only rave over what deserves raving over.  ðŸ˜Š

Of course, being me, I love the idea of a heart-warming, family friendly story with a happy ending.  This one checks all those boxes.  It’s “The Sandlotâ€� meets “The Mighty Ducksâ€� meets “Hoosiersâ€�, yet to agree with your mentor “there’s nothing out there like itâ€�.  I cannot wait to see this made and I have a definite feeling that it will be.  

You know I don’t do technical reviews but I truly could not spy any glitches - no typos, formatting errors or (**gasp**) misplaced commas.  ðŸ˜‚  Your writing  is always smooth, perfect and easy to read.  To quote Mike Myers, “It’s like buttahâ€�.

In closing, my only small problem was that I was attempting to read this objectively to offer even a small bit of advice for improvement, but then you had the nerve to throw in a puppy at the end, dammit.  So that effectively erased any nitpicking I might do. ☺ï¸�

All kidding aside, this is a very nicely done script suitable for viewing and enjoyment for all ages. Out of the park, Paul.  Out of the park!  Congrats and I’ll be waiting for production details.  I know they will be coming soon.

Very best always,

Kathy

Thanks for the read, Kathy. I thought this might be more to your liking than Ashes. Frankly, this is probably the style I'd like to write more regularly. But, it's much harder to sell a comedy than horror.

So...future SPOILER ALERTS...posted to get your reaction.

The pro advice I got was:

1. Make Edward more victimized in the early pages. By that, they mean that instead of Edward starting off selfish, they want him to be more frustrated. I like this note and have made subtle changes already...the biggest being that he doesn't back the septic truck up to the boss' window and dump sewage inside. Now, he's in the parking lot, in the truck...upset at being fired. He accidentally reverses the truck into the boss' car and the sewage is accidentally released all over it. To everyone else, it looks intentional. Only Edward knows it was an accident.

2. Add one more beat to the third act run. We brainstormed to figure out why it was unsatisfying to him and came up with one more story turn. Adding the turn adds three scenes to the script. One at the midpoint, one around page 80 and another at the end. It's also a HUGE change to the ending. The three scenes: 1. Edward discussing with someone the beauty of play-by-play and what makes a great call. 2. Dexter, alone at night, practicing. He and Edward share a moment about what Dexter means to the town. (This sets up Edward to have a more personal connection with Dexter.) 3. Edward and the team, near the end, deciding that they can't go through with the "championship" call. He's going to play it straight. This leads to the town accepting the team (and the boys) for what they are. It also leads to one final moment where Dexter gets into the game for one final play...for which Edward nails the call (using his new connection to Dexter to make the call meaningful). From there, it plays out the same.

The second note makes me nervous. People are responding well to the script as it sits, but when someone of this mentor's caliber says "If you make these changes, the script goes from very, very good to great." well...I think you go for it. So, that's what I'm working on now.

Thanks again for the read and the encouragement!!

Paul, as to suggestion Number 1, I actually like that idea.  It's a family, feel-good piece so we don't want to start off with the idea that our protagonist is a bad guy.  Although I actually laughed at that scene and felt his Boss got what was coming to him, somehow creating a comic scene with the septic truck without guilt on the part of Edward seems like the better route.  He didn't intend to do that deed, he was just a victim of circumstance, right?  

As to the second suggestion, I'm kind of with you.  I might be a little uneasy about huge changes to the ending i.e. foregoing the mythical championship, although, the townsfolk accepting the team for what it is and still being proud of them is a good moral.  In this case it is probably better to heed the advice of the better minds who know what makes something click vs. a thud.  When working with experienced editors for magazine articles, I always likened their suggestions for "improving" my long worked on "masterpiece"  to having my appendix removed...without anesthesia.  I accepted their input though, through gritted teeth, and the articles did usually turn out the better for it.  

Please post the updated version when it's ready, I'd love to see the changes and how they work with the overall story.  Hang in there, you're creating something worth all the effort.  

Again, thanks, Kathy.

I'll definitely post it. I'll be super interested to see if the script gets the same reactions. Hopefully I'll be posting it next week.