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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  In Search of Vulcan Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Search of Vulcan  (currently 588 views)
Don
Posted: August 18th, 2022, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In Search of Vulcan by David Lambertson - Comedy - After an emotionally sensitive Star Trek nerd is left at the altar by a scamming fiancé, he spends a drunken night binge-watching Star Trek only to wake the next morning believing he is the real Spock. 123 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Storey_Matters
Posted: August 18th, 2022, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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INT. er... ACTION!

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Hi, Dave. This is an enjoyable read so far. One surprise for me was that I was expecting Spence to be gay due to your use of fiance. Not sure how it works in the US, but here we use fiancee to indicate a female and fiance for the male.
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Nomad
Posted: August 18th, 2022, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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That was fun.

Aside from a few typos I caught... Barry instead of Harry... the writing was clean.

I feel like there needs to be more of a punch in the story though.
The romance between Katie and Spence needs to go deeper, to the point when we're screaming for them to get together, but Spence leaves to go back home, leaving us disappointed.

I feel like there's more opportunities for humor throughout the script too, but I'll see what I can come up with on my second pass and let you know.

There are a few spots where the dialogue can be tightened up to be more believable, but dialogue is always subjective, so take my advice with a spoon of salt.

The sheriff should be introduced at the wedding so he doesn't seem like he's just thrown in at the last minute.
He could just be one of the guest at the wedding that flirts with the mom, and he's later revealed to be the sheriff.

I read it without taking too many notes so I could enjoy it for the good story it is.
I'll go through it again with a finer comb later and give you my notes.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
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ColinS
Posted: August 22nd, 2022, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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This is enjoyable. There's a concept, there's a sell here.

Even though I'm not particularly into Star Trek, I'm pretty certain you've nailed Spock - and Spock conversing with everyday North Americans is a great recipe for comedy, so it works a treat. There are plenty of laughs.

I think Spock's unequivocal frankness allowed you to mix comedy with genuine truths about human emotions - giving your narrative some sentiment along with the laughs. Spock's dialogue is great throughout and the same for the retort from Kirk ect.

So the images - I'm a bit 50/50 on them. The first couple worked well - the Spock ID card, the communicator, gave me visualisations that I probably needed. But then the model of the Enterprise, Kirk's command chair, Spock looking sad, the blue Trekkie uniform - didn't do anything for me. Are they necessary? Are they just stretching your page count? It is quite a large page count for a comedy.

The images in Vulcan are pretty useful though, that 'Welcome to Vulcan' sign gives you that snappy ending that I like. I must say though, I have never seen images in any other screenplay that I have read. I'm not opposed to it, just wondering whether it does stretch the rules a bit. But I guess these rules are there to be broken.

I've been through that border crossing in the far northwest of Montana. I'm pretty certain that's the one you're describing. It's very picturesque, I was expecting Bigfoot to walk out of the cabin-type office. Haven't been to Vulcan though and have now discovered it's very close to where my brother lives - gotta check it out.

Cracking script, good luck with it - certainly something I would enjoy watching on screen.

    


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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2022, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Storey_Matters
Hi, Dave. This is an enjoyable read so far. One surprise for me was that I was expecting Spence to be gay due to your use of fiance. Not sure how it works in the US, but here we use fiancee to indicate a female and fiance for the male.


Sorry, I never picked up that this was commented on. So - first - much-belated appreciation for the read and comment.

Yeah - you're right on fiancee - thanks for catching that.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2022, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nomad
That was fun.

Aside from a few typos I caught... Barry instead of Harry... the writing was clean.

I feel like there needs to be more of a punch in the story though.
The romance between Katie and Spence needs to go deeper, to the point when we're screaming for them to get together, but Spence leaves to go back home, leaving us disappointed.

I feel like there's more opportunities for humor throughout the script too, but I'll see what I can come up with on my second pass and let you know.

There are a few spots where the dialogue can be tightened up to be more believable, but dialogue is always subjective, so take my advice with a spoon of salt.

The sheriff should be introduced at the wedding so he doesn't seem like he's just thrown in at the last minute.
He could just be one of the guest at the wedding that flirts with the mom, and he's later revealed to be the sheriff.

I read it without taking too many notes so I could enjoy it for the good story it is.
I'll go through it again with a finer comb later and give you my notes.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan


Sorry, I never picked up that this was commented on. So - first - much-belated appreciation for the read and comment.

Fixed Barry/Harry - thanks.

Agree on the romance - I think part of the problem is that I have them hook up so late in the story - Working on a way to make that sooner so I can deepen the relationship.

I  like your idea on the Sheriff.

Thanks!




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: November 28th, 2022, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ColinS
This is enjoyable. There's a concept, there's a sell here.

Even though I'm not particularly into Star Trek, I'm pretty certain you've nailed Spock - and Spock conversing with everyday North Americans is a great recipe for comedy, so it works a treat. There are plenty of laughs.

I think Spock's unequivocal frankness allowed you to mix comedy with genuine truths about human emotions - giving your narrative some sentiment along with the laughs. Spock's dialogue is great throughout and the same for the retort from Kirk ect.

So the images - I'm a bit 50/50 on them. The first couple worked well - the Spock ID card, the communicator, gave me visualisations that I probably needed. But then the model of the Enterprise, Kirk's command chair, Spock looking sad, the blue Trekkie uniform - didn't do anything for me. Are they necessary? Are they just stretching your page count? It is quite a large page count for a comedy.

The images in Vulcan are pretty useful though, that 'Welcome to Vulcan' sign gives you that snappy ending that I like. I must say though, I have never seen images in any other screenplay that I have read. I'm not opposed to it, just wondering whether it does stretch the rules a bit. But I guess these rules are there to be broken.

I've been through that border crossing in the far northwest of Montana. I'm pretty certain that's the one you're describing. It's very picturesque, I was expecting Bigfoot to walk out of the cabin-type office. Haven't been to Vulcan though and have now discovered it's very close to where my brother lives - gotta check it out.

Cracking script, good luck with it - certainly something I would enjoy watching on screen.

    


Sorry, I never picked up that this was commented on. So - first - much-belated appreciation for the read and comment.

The pictures are going to go (eventually) as they won't pass muster for contests, etc and I am pretty sure run afoul of IP. Currently working on an image-less draft.

That being said - I do think that one day in the future (not sure when) - images will be commonplace in scripts.

Thanks for weighing in!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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