The Sugar Baby by Daniel Ehrlich - Comedy - A young man traumatized by his dating past must make a choice: continue dating older women who pamper him or move on to be with the love of his life. 80 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Try and put your parenthetical below the characters name for example
WALTER (Gesturing toward her) can be

WALTER
(Gesturing toward her)
On page 4

When introducing the character put it in capital letters and age for example DESTINY(25), sexy,black vicious and pleasant walks in.

Jared, Danny and Johny should all be introduced from their physique to personality both good and bad. For example JARED(35), six foot tall, bold, green eyes and a goatee, smart and a talker sits with DANNY(32), Clean shaven, 5'7 tall, brunnete, impatient and kind and JOHNNY...you get the idea.

INT. THE SUMMERSIDE SOIRE, MEN’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Can be

INT. THE SUMMERSIDE SOIRE - MEN’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Replace the coma with the dash. Page 8

Page 12
In zooming out(It's a shot) it is written in capital letters.

Still reading but you deserve the first few comments

Great script I can see it as a hollywood project but...evening usually shown by night and later/the next day for example
INT. THE SUMMERSIDE SOIRE - THE NEXT DAY
Can be
INT. THE SUMMERSIDE SOIRE - DAY
( The next day)
can be written in parantetical to show it
Bertha but violet says?

I understand its errors but day,? The comma is unnecessary
The end is unnecesary just fade to black(fade out as your transition

Dawn
Have you been here before.(?)

Page 26
Don't forget punctuations! To show a sentence has reached the end put a fullstop

INT. DECICCO’S GROCERY STORE, SUMMERSIDE, LATER

Should be

INT. DECICCO’S GROCERY STORE - SUMMERSIDE - NIGHT

Dawn
Do you have condom.(?)
Page 47


When you talk about the camera, it's usually a shot not an action.

But you improve as your story goes nice!

Reverse pedo, hilarious
Men you love bjs hahaha
Assuring us you have language ok, ok.
Impressive work bro, especially on the mountain climbing and cooking skills

Thanks, Reyrose.  I actually just submitted an updated draft to reflect where the script is at now, just 24 hours later but a full 5 revisions later as well.  I intended for it to be in the comedy section of scripts.  I look forward to trying to get repped.

Interesting concept there and could be a fresh take on the rom-com genre.

I noticed the title page is missing. Was that an accident?

Yes, that was an accident.  I have emailed Don with an updated script that contains a title page.