Middle Man Mick by Colin Sharp - Comedy, Sci Fi - When a disillusioned middleman is coerced by power-hungry aliens to negotiate the surrender of Planet Earth, he has a hard time getting anybody to take him seriously. 115 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don for posting the script and poster.

Colin, that poster is the bomb!  Love it!

Ahhh, thanks Kathy. Was hoping it would help explain the kinda story it is. I do a lotta hoping!  

This was a fun read. I liked your characters. They were well developed. Mostly I liked your concept of the planet being threatened by an alien civilization and them insisting on an ordinary citizen to negotiate the terms between themselves and Earth’s inhabitants. You threw in some situations to overcome like language, the fact that the world has more inhabitants than humans, a variety of valuable resources like milk, and there are different governments. I found the idea that wiping out a planet's population was acceptable but theft was not to be hysterical.

One thing here that I expected but was missing involved Mick’s sudden inflated bank account. This would have exposed him to Federal and state tax liabilities. That would have become an entertaining problem if after he had spent the money, he didn’t have enough to pay the taxes.

Also, I liked Mick’s work environment. I can’t stand being talked down to. He had my sympathy. I found Mick’s relationship with Alice convincing.

However, there are some issues that need to be worked out. None of them are fatal but one of them will require a re-thinking of parts of your story. The problems center around you not being well versed in American culture. I will try to help.

Most of the dialog is spot on. Some of the dialog is a little weird but it still works. Some conversations use the wrong words. One conversation needs to be re-written.

The dialog that is a little weird involves Mick at work. There are some stuffy, upper-class individuals here who speak that way. I have worked with companies that had a substantial number of British individuals. At CCIE,  the conversations seem okay, just a little off.

In the case of Bobby, a few British terms need to be ironed out. In America, lifts are called elevators. Bobby would not excuse himself to “pop to the wee room”. He would “go to the bathroom” or “go take a leak” or “take a piss”. If he were a little colorful he might use the idiom "I gotta see a man about a horse."

Also, Julia would call her mother, “Mom”, not “Mum” and the governor of a state would not be called “the state governor”. He’s either just the governor or referred to by name as in Governor Baldock.

The conversation that needs to be rewritten is the one with the road worker. They would not be nearly so polished and rarely so polite. He would not say, “It’s not in my job description”, he would say “not my problem”. Also, in a case of a road being closed, it’s likely that a police officer would be assigned to the closure and be parked nearby. Mick's conversation would likely be with the officer and not the road worker.

Another situation to fix would involve the ticket for parking in a disabled (we say handicapped) parking space.  It is rare to get a parking ticket under those circumstances. If you are in the car and you can move it, and you do, you won’t get the ticket. A work-around for you would be to have him park in a tow-away zone. If he walks away far enough that a tow truck puts it on the hook before he gets back, he has a problem. In some cities he can pay the fine on the spot and get his car liberated. In any case, if he does not get there until after the tow truck starts moving, he’s picking up his car at the impound lot. He is at that point paying the fine, the tow cost and a storage fee that compounds daily.

The biggest problem that needs to be addressed involves the American system of government(s) and the various areas of authority. The governor of any state does not answer to the president of the United States in any legal sense.  Neither the president nor any facet of the Federal Government has the authority to have a governor committed to an asylum or subject them to arrest for any reason other than treason (hey, that rhymes!). The issue would be resolved by that governor’s state in accordance to that state’s constitution (all 50 states have one).

Also, mental health (and health as a whole) is not a federal issue. For example, during the Covid crisis, the Federal government (through the CDC) issued guidelines as to how to handle the spread of the disease. Some states followed those guidelines closely. Some states laughed at them.

Treaties, whether with foreign or alien governments, is a federal issue. The president would be involved but any agreement would ultimately require Senate ratification to become permanent.

I would point out that the conversation between Governor Baldock and the president was almost spot on. The president would always make time to meet a governor of a state. If the president and the governor were good politicians, the conversation would sound like they were close friends. The president might not mention “these vetoes” but might complain about “Beltway politics”, the other party, the House of Representatives (referred to as “The House”), the Senate, Congress as a whole, the press, the budget or some current scandal.

In the case of Mick being arrested by the police, it was accurate. Kidnapping anyone, including a governor, is a state crime and would be responded to by state police. The state police of that state would answer to the governor of that state if he told them to let the person go (in this case). Only if Mick took the governor across state lines would it become a federal crime in which case the FBI would become involved per the Federal Kidnapping Act (aka the Lindberg law).

I won’t explain any more about how government in the U.S. works unless you ask, out of fear that I might offend you. I just want to be helpful. I don’t want to seem condescending like Burt Griffin. That guy pushed all my buttons. He was well written.

One more thing...  Love that poster!

Hi D.A

This feedback you have given me is priceless.

First and foremost, huge thank you's for giving it a read. I've got a fair bit to think about re your instructive comments.

I will be making changes based on what you've advised, so your feedback has been VERY helpful.

One thing I would say, it was always supposed to be a whacky type, tongue-in-cheek kinda story, which is were I hoped I might get away with some of the far-fetched situations like where the president has the governor committed. You could say the whole feature is pretty far-fetched, lol. Also, the road worker is meant to be off-kilter, which is why I had him speaking that way but I will be having good think about his dialogue now.

Great spots with some of my non-american terms being used.

Massive thanks again - got some work to do

Just finished. Fun read with some really bright spots.

I won't cover the problems that D.A. covered so expertly. Just know, he's right on the nose. Identified a real problem and offered good solutions.

The highlights for me were Mick interacting with the aliens. Every one of those scenes were funny and engaging. There are some real big laughs in most of them. I knew from page one that there were going to be fun moments in the script, and you didn't disappoint.

There remain problem points, though. (At least, for me there were.) My suggestions: (take what you want, toss the rest in the bin.)

The tone is a little uneven. I feel like you're caught in the middle just a bit. I think you either need to lean into the raunchier aspects of the script, or pull back. Personally, I'd pull back and make this a bit more family friendly. (You're closer to family friendly as it sits.) But, you could easily go the other direction. I think you'd have a problem pitching it in its current form-just because the genre is slightly muddied.

The opening was super fun. There are a few great visuals, and you really set the tone nicely. Then... you introduce Mick, and for me, the script drags for a few pages. I mean, I understand exactly what you're setting up with Mick and his situation... it's just that none of it was near as interesting as your alien intro. (That's consistent for me throughout the script. Aliens and Mick=fun/Mick and the World=less fun.) I think it's because when you're writing the aliens, you seem to be writing absurd humor... and when you're writing Mick, you're writing more situational humor? Not sure. But, I was always most interested in the more absurd scenes.

The Road Worker scene was too long. I'd recommend cutting it in half. In fact, that whole section takes more pages than what the info gained is worth. Maybe experiment with pacing through his entire introduction.

I'd highly recommend dropping Bobby. He's a super convenient character who's sole purpose is to provide access to the Governor. For me, he never reached the level of any of your other characters, all of which were far more interesting. I know you need access to the Governor... but, with the ability you showed in writing the alien characters, I'm absolutely convinced you can find a FAR more interesting (and absurd) way for Mick to get close to the Governor.

The ending... the milk was brilliant. Raspberry even more so. Absolutely loved it. But, once you introduce the milk, the script loses it's tension. And, you introduce it on page 70. From there, your main problem feels solved. The only thing left is to work out the details... which you do for the next 45 pages. All of that would be fine, if you were able to rebuild the tension (and you definitely try), but it never gets close to the original tension.

That's a tough note, I know. And, I definitely could be wrong. But, that's how it hit me.

I did like the growth Mick showed in using the situation to solve several big problems. I wonder if there's a way that you can directly tie his introduction to the problems he later solves. Like, can he steal a homeless person's shopping cart (trolley) to ride it down a hill in order to get to work faster? (Show his growth from selfish to giving?) I don't know. (You can probably think of multiple funnier ways to show it.)

Anyway, those are my main thoughts. Hope you can find something in there that's helpful.

Just know, I really enjoyed the script. Especially Plazbum.

Hi PK,

Wow, what encouraging and constructive feedback you've given me here.

I'm stoked that you enjoyed this, I really am. It just gives me that extra motivation to crack on and improve my work - invaluable, as I'm sure you know.

Quoted Text The highlights for me were Mick interacting with the aliens. Every one of those scenes were funny and engaging. There are some real big laughs in most of them. I knew from page one that there were going to be fun moments in the script, and you didn't disappoint.

So pleased with the above as I had concerns that the opening 3 pages might be a difficult read but now have confidence that they set the tone well. The opening on the spacecraft wasn't in my original story and it began with Mick in the traffic jam, so thankful that I added it!
Totally agree that the focal point of the story lies between Mick and the aliens and is what I should really concentrate on.

Quoted Text The tone is a little uneven. I feel like you're caught in the middle just a bit. I think you either need to lean into the raunchier aspects of the script, or pull back. Personally, I'd pull back and make this a bit more family friendly. (You're closer to family friendly as it sits.) But, you could easily go the other direction. I think you'd have a problem pitching it in its current form-just because the genre is slightly muddied.

.

I need to take careful consideration over this - the F bombs, things like "it was a sticky morning", def not family freindly. I just don't have a family friendly mind but this is a really important point if you wanna crack on this craft - food for thought!

Quoted Text The Road Worker scene was too long. I'd recommend cutting it in half. In fact, that whole section takes more pages than what the info gained is worth. Maybe experiment with pacing through his entire introduction.

Based on yours and D.A's feedback, the road work doesn't work too well, isn't important to the story and can easily be cut. Or at least, as you've rightly pointed out, be trimmed down.

Quoted Text I'd highly recommend dropping Bobby. He's a super convenient character who's sole purpose is to provide access to the Governor. For me, he never reached the level of any of your other characters, all of which were far more interesting. I know you need access to the Governor... but, with the ability you showed in writing the alien characters, I'm absolutely convinced you can find a FAR more interesting (and absurd) way for Mick to get close to the Governor.

Damn, I like Bobby
I must admit though, he does only really serve as a plot device. Gonna think hard on that one. He's also bad for the family friendly aspects.

Quoted Text The ending... the milk was brilliant. Raspberry even more so. Absolutely loved it. But, once you introduce the milk, the script loses it's tension. And, you introduce it on page 70. From there, your main problem feels solved. The only thing left is to work out the details... which you do for the next 45 pages. All of that would be fine, if you were able to rebuild the tension (and you definitely try), but it never gets close to the original tension.

Glad you liked the 'milk thing'. Wasn't sure how that was gonna go down. In regards to the tension, it's a valid point. Do I need a scenario towards the end where the aliens choose to eradicate Earth and Mick has to stop them? maybe, just maybe. Hmmm.

Quoted Text I did like the growth Mick showed in using the situation to solve several big problems. I wonder if there's a way that you can directly tie his introduction to the problems he later solves. Like, can he steal a homeless person's shopping cart (trolley) to ride it down a hill in order to get to work faster? (Show his growth from selfish to giving?) I don't know. (You can probably think of multiple funnier ways to show it.)

Yeah, this is another good point regarding Mick's arc. You're right that his move towards humanitarian comes a bit outta of the blue. Your suggestion or something like that would help transition it all.

Huge thanks for taking the time to read and provide really helpful feedback. It's golden. Hopefully, I can repay the favour at some point, for you and D.A. Whether I can match the quality of feedback - well, I need to work on that too

I'm not done! Although I read this a couple of weeks ago, I can't get it out of my mind.
(um, yeah, this story is that good)

What had my focus was Mr. Baldock's role. He's important and needs to be fit in. He needs to be somebody who answers to the President, would be nervous pre-meeting, and would be in a sticky situation if he is made to look insane. My suggestion would be to make Mr. Baldock an Air Force colonel or a low ranking Air Force general (one star).

He could have an assignment that gave him some insight to UFO phenomenon and would be seen by the President. The President would take him seriously at first but when no proof was offered and Baldock began to seem a little out of sorts, Baldock’s career would be downward bound. The President still couldn’t have the man committed on the spot but the Air Force could with a Presidential “hint”.

It could be surmised that the man’s UFO research was getting to him. He would be put someplace where he could get “proper treatment” (and be hidden from the press). He would be suspended from his command and need to clear things up to get it back. In reality it would be unlikely that he would get his command back but that’s a detail that can be sidestepped. We want a happy ending.

Also, a better conversation between Baldock and the President would be about college sports. You mention that the Grizzlies are from the city of Memphis which is in Tennessee.  A better comeback from Baldock would be to mention he means “Volunteers” and that Grizzlies are Montana. (University of Tennessee, Volunteers / University of Montana, Grizzlies). This applies to all college sports these schools participate in, including (American) football and basketball. They are sometimes referred to as “The Griz” and “The Vols”.

An even better way to make the President character humourous would be to confuse the mascots of the Air Force Academy and the Naval Academy. Baldock would have graduated from the Air Force Academy, home of the “Air Force Falcons”. The Naval Academy fields teams called “Navy Midshipmen”, sometimes called “Middies” or “Mids” for short. The President could make a crack like, ”I think the Air Force has a great team this season. Go Middies!”. Baldock would reply, “You mean Falcons, sir.”

Just a thought.

P.S. - I like Bobby also. I recommend watching/renting/streaming videos of Larry the Cable Guy and without stealing his jokes or standup routine, model Bobby's speech patterns on him.

Hi D.A

Super thanks for these thought-provoking suggestions. I'm almost expecting a Banaszak invoice to come though for the script coverage lol.

Joking aside, really thankful for the interest you've shown the script.

With Baldock it's a difficult one. I'm veering towards keeping him as the state governor as Mick has to go big given the situation. I do see the benefits of your 'Air Force colonel'. I am gonna give your suggestion serious thought but in my mind it creates a back story that might prolong the narrative. I wanna keep it Mick and the Aliens as much possible but your suggestion remains intriguing.

So, if I keep Baldock as the state governor and I remove the scene where he is in the psychiatric group (the president dismiss's his news but doesn't have him committed), is it still feasible that a state governor would go direct to the president with news of a global threat from the aliens?

Larry the cable guy - I'm gonna have a good look at him. These little things can make all the difference - thanks for that shout.

He can stay governor in the story if he stays out of the hospital. Governors meet with the president for many reasons. However, even if he commits himself, it’s political suicide. He is after all, an elected official serving a four-year term. So, to answer the question:  Governor = No Hospital references. He just looks stupid from the President's perspective and a future meeting becomes unlikely. If you keep him Governor, I would go with the college football references (Volunteers/Grizzlies) and not the Air Force/Navy reference.

My invoice is one more suggestion. I really can’t stop thinking about this. I promise, last one.

I really liked the dialog between Mick and the highway worker. It was just out of place being in Tennessee but it was golden and hysterical just like you wanted. The dialog would work if the highway worker was a displaced Brit. Then it would be perfect; polite charm and all. It would be a believably quirky discussion, especially if the highway worker did not know why the road was closed instead of it being about cameras (Not in my job description).  I think this is what you were working for.

I would sum up Mick’s morning as:

Traffic Jam.
Road closed for no known reason.
Can’t find parking, then thinks he finds parking but misses a “Tow Away Zone sign”.
Sees the tow truck, runs there just as his car is towed away.
No phone service. Has to walk about a mile to get a signal to call a taxi.
The impound lot is far across town. Now there's no traffic. (How come no traffic? It's not fair).
He Pays the taxi. Waits in queue at the impound lot to pay the various fees. (We say “waits in line”)

Pays the ticket ($100), tow fee (about $75) and storage ($28 per day). You pay for a full day even if your car is there for a minute. The lot closes at 5:00PM. If you are not in queue by then, your car is locked in for the night and you pay for tomorrow as well. Most cities are like this in the U.S., New York is probably the worst.

After bailing out his car he continues his drive to work. He listens to the radio (again) and hears a news story about some unknown man going about posing as a highway worker and closing random roads for no reason. The police are seeking anyone with information. The only lead they have is that the man has a British accent.

Gets to work late and is dressed down for it.

After a morning like that, I would probably be cross enough to quit my job. (he would say “pissed”)

I think all this would make a good MacGuffin, however long but I think worth it.  Now I’ll shut up and let you write. I will continue to answer any questions you ask.

Now, if I could make your suggested morning quick and concise, show it in the quickest possibly way - this might really work for the story.

I like your suggestion of a British road worker and the "no known reason" for the road being closed, that is comical and a perfect wind up for Mick. And I know it will all be more true to life in the USA.

Hmm, time to put the brain back into overdrive.

Thanks ever so much for your help and ideas, you're a gem, D.A