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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Haven Lost Moderators: bert
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  Author    Haven Lost  (currently 1570 views)
Posted: July 31st, 2010, 7:32am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Haven Lost by Curtis James Coffey - Drama - While awaiting prosecution, one man tells the story of his involvement with a powerful crime family, where he learns about the power of friendship and the bonds of blood. However, as his world begins to fall apart, he discovers the hard way the dangers of the life and the agony of betrayal. 140 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 9th, 2011, 1:18pm
Revised script
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Posted: August 24th, 2010, 10:13am Report to Moderator

Chula Vista, Ca.   United States
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Curtis I read seventy pages of your script and skimmed the remainder. I hate to see someone post and not get any responses. I know myself it is very discouraging.

   The story is pretty standard, just what one might expect of these types of stories. Your formatting is good with a few exceptions. Your dialogue is average, could be a lot better, but couldn't all of us write better dialogue.

   The script drags on for much longer than needed in my opinion. I know it is hard to trim and cut scenes but I think you could cut this down under a hundred pages without much problem.

   Overall I thought it was good. Action was good. Plot was average. I like these types of scripts and I think the public likes these types of movies. I wish you luck.  Marvin.
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Posted: September 8th, 2010, 11:54am Report to Moderator

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I thought it was good, great introduction, the voice over was a great idea and the conclusion caught me by surprise, however, the fact that the protagonist betrays the Don disturbs me a little, since I was hooting for him, and Paulie's motivation to backstab his family did not see sufficient.
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