Hey there Kim,

I finished your script this morning.
You definitely can put together a swift read, that's quite a skill.
Infidelity amnesia thrillers aren't my bag, but this holds it's own.
There are some things I'm unclear on about in the third act.

**SPOILERS**

I understand that Nolan was being giving some hallucinogenic.
However, I'm unsure which visions were real or which were imagined.
James hired those two goons to murder his sister-in-law and niece.
The old "If I can't have you, no one can." sentiment. Ok.
So the goons go to jail and James kills their wife and little girl to frame Nolan?
James drugs Nolan to what end? Give him doubts about his own culpability?
I don't recall anything even hinting to the audience that James was unstable.
If James wanted Nolan dead, why not just have him killed again?
Why all the coy disguises? James knows that Nolan's memory can recover anytime.
So I guess he drugs Nolan in an attempt to impede his memory return?
James must know that Anna or Benson could spill the beans at anytime.
Benson knew about the affair, that would have made James a prime suspect.
Unless, the shootings were made to look like a robbery.
As they are, it's an execution style deal, so that's premeditated for sure.
If it happened at a place that James knew the family would be vulnerable.
Then he could make it look like a random robbery or something.

I have problems distinguishing between the visions and memories.
Nolan develops some kind of random clairvoyance about more murders.
He envisions "someone" murdering those innocents, and then it happens.
We now know he didn't do it, so where did those visions come from?
Was it the drug from James? Or was it some supernatural ability?
Is this ability supposedly from his head wound or something?
I have a lot of questions about this, doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the read.

With all due respect, I think if you knew the plot better, this would read clearer.
A complex mystery riddled with dreams, visions and shadowy deeds is tricky.
You have talent, but I feel like the story has some logic gaps.
James can be exposed at anytime by Anna and Benson.
It doesn't make a lot of sense to me that he doesn't act on that possibility.

The police line up on p.77. Cops would never let that happen.
Leaving a fellow officer alone with the man that executed his family? Never.
The conveniently dropped cell phone on p. 84 is a real eye roller.
You're smart, you can do way better than that.

I enjoyed the read, Kim, it's has a lot of gripping elements.
I look forward to seeing how you tie it all together in future drafts.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

khamanna, thanks for the link

bola, thanks for the read

E.D., thanks for giving some attention to the new draft. You bring up some very good points that will be fixed in future drafts.

Just to clarify, James didn't hire those guys to kill Jody and Megan. He was in love with Jody and Megan was his daughter. The men were after Nolan to get revenge over a DUI arrest. James blamed Nolan for Jody and Megan's deaths because in his mind they were killed because of the choices Nolan made, thus making him responsible. Instead of just killing Nolan and being done with it, he decides to frame him for all the murders and slowly cause him to go insane (or so he had hoped).

Benson and Nolan weren't speaking after what happened at the funeral, so James figured he didn't need to worry about him. As for Annavay, he had her convinced she was doing what was best for Nolan by not talking about the affair, as per their phone conversation in the hotel room when Nolan interrupts.

The dream/visions were meant to be a supernatural element. A means to make things right and save Annavay because he couldn't save Jody and Megan. The drugs James gave him were to induce hallucinations and make him feel like he was going crazy and eventually cause him to believe he murdered the woman and child.

Quoted from screen_dreamer E.D., thanks for giving some attention to the new draft. You bring up some very good points that will be fixed in future drafts. Just to clarify, James didn't hire those guys to kill Jody and Megan. He was in love with Jody and Megan was his daughter. The men were after Nolan to get revenge over a DUI arrest. James blamed Nolan for Jody and Megan's deaths because in his mind they were killed because of the choices Nolan made, thus making him responsible. Instead of just killing Nolan and being done with it, he decides to frame him for all the murders and slowly cause him to go insane (or so he had hoped). Benson and Nolan weren't speaking after what happened at the funeral, so James figured he didn't need to worry about him. As for Annavay, he had her convinced she was doing what was best for Nolan by not talking about the affair, as per their phone conversation in the hotel room when Nolan interrupts. The dream/visions were meant to be a supernatural element. A means to make things right and save Annavay because he couldn't save Jody and Megan. The drugs James gave him were to induce hallucinations and make him feel like he was going crazy and eventually cause him to believe he murdered the woman and child.

Kim,

Thanks for the reply. Oh, wow, did I miss the DUI revenge element completely?
I swear I didn't skim your script, I must have spaced it somehow.
I remember reading about the daughter, but I guess I blocked it out.
There's so much going on here, not sure it adds anything necessary to the story.
If there were hints about the supernatural stuff, I missed them.
A whodunit frame job, infidelity, dreams, precognition, it's a lot to process.
I'm honestly not sure, but maybe dropping an element might clarify the rest of them?
Just a thought, I like your writing style Kim, look forward to seeing more of it.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.