Thief: Gabriel's Game by Gary Rademan With the assistance of Sandra E. Watson, Thomas Pascal based on: THIEF by Michael Cornetto, Sandra E. Watson, Thomas Pascal, Gary Rademan, With the assistance of Gabriel Moronta, Jeff Bush, Elisabeth Dubois, Toby Elmers - Drama - A reunion of eight quirky friends turns out to be a ruse to secretly film a reality TV show.  93 pages

Based on Thief - pdf, format

It's very different and you should definitely give it a read.   I like most of the choices and changes they made.  Much improved over the first draft.

Hey Gary,

Thanks again for giving me a chance to look at this a few weeks ago.
I like the premise of an informal high school reunion reality show mash up.
You have a neat foundation here that is ripe for some playful scenarios.
I think if you spend more time building up that history, it will pay off for you.

Is this the same draft I read or did you make some tweaks since then?
Let me know and thanks again for sharing, keep writing!\

Regards,
E.D.

E.D.

Same version. No tweaks.

Gary

Quoted from Grandma Bear pg  11.  Frances says "I almost said cock", that seemed very forced to me.

I wrote that line and yes it is forced...because Frances is purposefully trying to be outrageous and shocking.

Quoted from Grandma Bear it didn't seem shocking. just forced.

I didn't say it was shocking, I said she was trying to be shocking. But I do think it's shocking to Gabriel who has a history with her.

And I'm just trying to explain why the line is there.  I know you're being honest and that's great and appreciated.

I thought Gabriel was a bit of a mystery there for a while. Like he wasn't interested in Jeana. I thought maybe he was gay anyway.

Quoted from Grandma Bear pg   1.  what's a cement apron?

Thank you, Pia.

That's what I thought, but I thought not knowing what it was, was just me being stupid.

Anyways, Pia, I can agree with everything you said. I really never liked that "cock" line from Frances, and I had changed Jimmy's name already in one of the rewrites to Jimmy Max Green and he goes by his second name, Max. It drove me up the wall always having these two J's together, but Gary had a lot on his hands as we went back and forth.

For my part in this, I'd really like to see the back story I've been developing come to life, but we need to figure out a way to incorporate it (if that's the direction this thing takes) without bogging this initial "Thief" down.

I've got so many freakin' pieces of Thief on my computer it's ridiculous. One's where Jimmy actually "does" something; so I appreciate your comment on the role he plays in this draft-- basically a non character (from what is showing up on the page).

In my opinion, there's a lot of missed opportunities in this for both comedy, suspense and history of these characters. I have them written as both friends and family. Actually, Darnell and Gabriel are cousins, Jeana is Gabriel's step sister and they're all very tied and even indebted to a certain someone. Yes, would like to see more depth in this.

One version has Darnell selling a risque tape (recorded by Jimmy/Max Green known as THE DRIVE-IN SCENE) to some Mafia Type men who want to ruin Gabriel's career because they think it will hurt Gabriel's father. Darnell does this in a moment of anger after Gabriel leaves to go to Hollywood, leaving his friends and family, namely Jeana and Darnell to care for Gabriel's and Jeana's father. (Lest I say it? L.H.)

Darnell's anger does not last long and he manages to steal back the tape. Shaken, he explains what he did to J-Max who laughs at first, but then develops ca-ching dollar signs in his eyes. Max successfully convinces the Maf Men that he has the tape, all be it in confetti pieces, (cut up by Gabriel he lies) and says he can restore it using Techtonic Digitalis Tyranasaurus  Techniques   Or something like that.

I saw Jimmy Max as having good motivation for using the tape to make money for his Children's Charity work, but he didn't think of it as hurting Frances at the time. It's only later, he realizes that.

So basically, I considered this as a potential catalyst for a later reversal when Max wants to "protect Frances" who I see as finding out her true status as a hermaphrodite after Logan Heisberg put up the money for a doctor's visit which subsequently led to her transfiguration.

Essentially, it comes down to Max realizing the error in his ways and he steals back "the stolen back-pretended-to-be-reconstructed-recording of Gabriel and Frances at the drive-in".

When this happens, that's when Darnell gets THE CALL (that originally was just his Drug Dealer Dude) but I wanted it to be real and since Darnell is a Heisberg too, with loads of money, Darnell can't have the ability to give him what he wants. And what he wants is THE TAPE that Darnell figures was burned a long time ago in a scene I constructed with he and Max where Max hands him an EMPTY BOX and says, "Here, chuck that thing in the fire!" This was, at that time significant for Darnell because still, his anger at Gabriel simmered underneath and it was a way of getting him out of his mind.

The reason all of this is significant is that it lends credence to the outcome of The Fake Reality Show and what they plan on doing with it. This is something I dug up from some old files:

Max
I told them that Gabriel cut the
tape up and that I could put it back together using special technology. I’ve been giving them pieces over the last ten years. They’ve been paying me. The money’s been going to charity.

GABRIEL
If they’ve got a bunch of the tape
then why are they demanding it from Darnell?

Max
I stole it back the second time.
Forgot they had me on security tape. I'm a lousy criminal.
They were heavy handed, threatened me and so I told them Darnell
found out and threatened to kill me, so they laid off.

GABRIEL
You guys are totally insane.

DARNELL
Birds of a feather...

GABRIEL
I’ve got an idea. You owe them the
tape with me and Frances, but what if we give them something better. Something nice and pugnacious for their paparazzi paws.

DARNELL
A bargaining chip?

GABRIEL I was gonna take this whole
reality show thing and use it for myself, but let’s put this tape thing to bed.

Darnell and Gabriel shake the big shake. Gabriel claps three times. A bit of stardust as he does.

GABRIEL
Let the games begin!

EXT. MAZE - NIGHT A huge hedge maze goes off into the distance...

**Onward is the Paintball Scene that is Half Real/Half Revenge as the characters use
it to "make the bargaining chip" and also get even with each other in their twisted fashion.

** I envision these characters to go way back in terms of time to their childhoods. There are a lot of special dynamics that happen individually, in twos, threes... etc... and as a group as a whole.

A whole heck of a lot since it began as the story about a reunion, a stolen ring, and two guys oohing over a stacked blond.

All in all, yes, we're still writing... TBC  

Sandra

Quoted from mcornetto I wrote that line and yes it is forced...because Frances is purposefully trying to be outrageous and shocking.

LOL, I didn't know who wrote that line, but I think that a lot of the swears should come out and we walk on higher ground in terms of language.

Sandra

Sandra,

Cock isn't a swear, it's a male bird.  

Quoted from mcornetto Sandra, Cock isn't a swear, it's a male bird.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I thought Gabriel was a bit of a mystery there for a while. Like he wasn't interested in Jeana. I thought maybe he was gay anyway.

Gabriel isn't Gay. He loves Jeana, but he grew up in the same freakin' house as her; therefore, he doesn't want the shit to hit the fan (was that a swear?) in terms of his reputation. He's trying to run away from who he is, "Everything Heisberg". That's why he changed his last name to Razon, it's why he's run away to Hollywood, it's why he's an actor, period.

As far as "The Exterior Community" is concerned, Jeana IS his sister. But only the internal group knows the truth. *That she's only his step-sister, but even that is enough to cause a stir.

Sandra

I haven't read any of the scripts that have come out of this project, but I have been following it all the way from its origins as a collaborative exercise and just wanted to say: since there's clearly a wealth of rich backstory here, is a 90-120 page feature script really the best medium for 'Thief'?

6 part mini-series? Or, if any of you are this way inclined, perhaps a novel?

Quoted from JonnyBoy I haven't read any of the scripts that have come out of this project, but I have been following it all the way from its origins as a collaborative exercise and just wanted to say: since there's clearly a wealth of rich backstory here, is a 90-120 page feature script really the best medium for 'Thief'? 6 part mini-series? Or, if any of you are this way inclined, perhaps a novel?

No, it's not and Gary and I have discussed this. We are going to continue to develop this. I actually would like this to be a continued series, but I'm not skilled enough yet.

Sandra

Bless you Pia!

Thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Especially since you read the original.

I liked your note that this new THIEF was improved over the prior draft. Characters were better this time. Introductions were tighter. I appreciate the recognition since we worked hard on this.

As for your specific comments:

A concrete apron usually “aprons” the area around an entryway or door similar to a walkway or sidewalk or patio. Actually that was my bad. On page 1 no less.

I can see where Jimmy is a non-character and can be ditched or at least renamed. Jimmy, Johnny and Jeana were all too similar for names. For this draft, all eight characters were kept though.

A comedy? Really? Hadn’t thought of it but yeah I could see that. Probably the way to make it a stand out. E.D. mentioned that playfulness in his comments above.

An odd transition? Ah, thought I had made it seamless. You should have seen it before Tommy pointed it out to me.

Yeah, you’re absolutely right about the getting in later and out earlier.

Gary

Oh Lordy! Didn't know there was going to be this much to respond to! I'll have to work on it tomorrow.

Good going you guys!  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Oh Lordy! Didn't know there was going to be this much to respond to! I'll have to work on it tomorrow. Good going you guys!

Isn't that the way!

Okay, I'm going to put this out due to the fact that I went to have a nice relaxing bath and maybe, just maaaay-beee, it proves, that yes... you caaaan write in a bathtub... or on a treadmill or whatever. Good news for us that like to work out.

I was thinking about the character work I had done with Cherry and this is what unfolded:

We all know she's a very sympathetic type of character and the fact that she's good friends with the edgy character that is Jeana is very interesting. Thing is, Cherry has actually "mothered" Jeana, although it's not explicit. Jeana's exterior is very different than her interior and so I see these two as more similar than one might see on initial surface, both in looks and actions.

I have several scenes written with just these two that are very interesting and were fun to write.

As far as Cherry's character is concerned in let's say 2008, (ten years since their graduation approximately) she has developed a kind of hard exterior core. She smokes hard, but is trying to quit. She's tired of men trying to use her on the job. Tired of perhaps even "using them" on the job. She's a good person, very good, even if she is controlling, something that she, Gabriel and Jeana have in common, but they don't necessarily realize it. Maybe the three of them need to in one particular show. Anyways, Roddy, he sure realizes it. And that's one of the reasons he is extremely hesitant to get hitched with Cherry. He is going to do some serious macho scale down if he does. And he's just not ready for that.

I'm going to post here a section that I spun with before and after Gary sent me a version with Johnny "practicing a proposal" on Jeana. This, I thought was a good opportunity to work with.

So here, you'll see some of what was going on before, in what I called The Halloween Version where we see the effects of a ghost that has been let loose from the "melted enchanted ring" that Gabriel had melted down and turned into Johnny's ring that he had bought from Robert Diamonds Jewelers (well charged with his parents' credit card) and Gabriel, believing he can break a certain curse if Johnny proposes to Cherry and they marry with said ring is encouraging Johnny all of the way.

EXT. DOCKSIDE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The moon pearls in the black water. Conversation trickles through the music. Patio restaurants full of patrons, two which look as yin and yang:
Jeana with white pearls resting on her little black dress and

CHERRY CHAMBERS, same age as Jeana yet her cigarette habit and stressed countenance has her more of a tightly wound exec, climbing the workplace ladder-- not a playground spiderweb.

**Note the scene with Jeana doing Cirque de Solei in a childrens spider web gym outside the Heisberg mansion comes earlier in this version.

CHERRY
He asked you to marry him? Really?

JEANA
Well not precisely in those words.

**Only close enough that Gabriel conned her into coming to Hollywood to help in the game.

CHERRY
In what words?

JEANA
He asked me to be his mistress!

Jeana’s all rainbows and buttercups. Cherry reaches for another cigarette.

JEANA
It’s so romantic. He’s changed.

CHERRY
I’m not so sure. This whole
reunion thing. The “love you to pieces card” he sent to Roddy.

Jeana snaps up.

JEANA
Think what you want. I’m catching
the red-eye. See you in Hollywood. Jeana kisses Cherry on the cheek. Off she goes.

CHERRY
Red-eye alright. Two of ‘em. And a
broken heart.

EXT. GABRIEL’S MANSION - MORNING

Jeana rides up the driveway on a bicycle.
Gabriel meets her with a gentle kiss on the cheek. She waits with question eyes at the lack of intimacy.

GABRIEL
We’ll go slow. Make it special.

JEANA
Woh-oh-yuh-of course. Special.

GABRIEL
So we need to plan. Right?

JEANA
And?

GABRIEL
And I have a secret and please
Jeana, you are the number one Manipulative Master of all time.

JEANA
I thought I was gonna be the
Mistress and you were gonna be the Master.

GABRIEL
Woh-oh-yuh-of course. You’re the
Mistress. I’m the Master!

EXT. ENTRYWAY - DAY

Gabriel stands outside the door.

GABRIEL
Now move the camera so I’m in the
center.

As Jeana stands on the ladder by the door, she adjusts the camera and locks it in.
She checks her hand-held monitor. MONITOR: He dances with a slight rhythm - slow and sexy.

GABRIEL
Now a close up.

MONITOR: His face up close. His preen for the camera gives her a laugh.

JEANA
Ha-ha. Color signal, okay.

Wireless, okay. I do need a sound check my pretty boy.

GABRIEL
Test... Test... I am the best.

He snaps on his sunglasses. His smile is ace.

GABRIEL
Fabulous! That should do it for
the security cameras. She climbs down the ladder.

JEANA
You’re in a good mood. What
happens when our anti-friends get here?

GABRIEL
Anti? You always loved everyone.
What’s happened to you?

Jeana giggles. Her eyes pop open with her mouth.

JEANA
I got you! I got you good!

GABRIEL
Save the acting for them; not me.

Jeana pouts. Gabriel heads to leave. Jeana darkens.

GABRIEL
And remember: RE-Al-I-TY SHOW =
Happy guests = Intoxicated Guests = Completely Broken Ice and All Their Little Closet
Skeletons Running Around Free... Make sure it happens! I’m counting on you.

EXT. ENTRYWAY - DAY - LATER

JOHNNY BOSCO, mid twenties, overweight, rings the bell. He holds a ring box in his hand. Fidgets. Plays catch with the box.

He looks at it for a moment then opens the box to reveal A brilliant diamond engagement ring when... Jeana answers the door.

JEANA
Johnny! Her eyes zip to the ring, dizzy from its size.

JEANA
That’s a... a wedding ring. Who’s
it for?

Johnny coughs. Sniffles. Looks behind him for spies and imagines they’re truly there, mocking him.

JOHNNY
Don’t tell him I told you, because
it’s supposed to be a secret. But Gabriel asked me to pick it up since it was on my way.

JEANA
He asked you to pick it up?

Johnny nods, insincere, but his acting’s good, too.

JEANA
Since it was on your way.

He nods again.

JEANA
And you’re going to give it to
him... and...?

JOHNNY
Aaaand... heeee’s going.... to give it to you.

JEANA
Reality show, my foot. This was
just a little game to get everyone here for our wedding. True Gabriel style.

JOHNNY
Reality what?

INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM

Jeana practices in the mirror.

JEANA
I do. Yes, I do. I really... do.

Sound of hammering outside the door scares Jeana.

EXT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM

Gabriel nails a cross above the door.

Jeana opens the door. Gabriel falls, startled. She looks up at the cross.

JEANA
What are you doing?

GABRIEL
Ghost in the bathroom. I’m
fighting back. What are you doing? You’re supposed to be fetching the wireless.

JEANA
Fetch?!

GABRIEL
Sorry, get.

Johnny shows up behind Gabriel.

JOHNNY
There’s something I gotta tell
you.

GABRIEL
Please, Jeana.

Jeana leaves, with frequent looks back before shes gone.

Johnny tries to pull Gabriel into the bathroom, but Gabriel won’t budge. He tugs. Gabriel tugs back.

JOHNNY
Come. On. Gabe. She’s Prob. Ab.
Ly. Liste. Ning.

Johnny uses his weight and they fall inside. Johnny slams the door.

JOHNNY
What’s the matter with you, you
look like you’ve seen a ghost?

GABRIEL
Long story. Talk. Somewhere else.

EXT. GABRIEL’S STUDY

Wall to wall books.

GABRIEL
You what?!

JOHNNY
She took me off guard. I didn’t
want her knowing I was going to propose to Cherry. I got flustered.

GABRIEL
Oh my God she really is going to
think I’m pulling one over on her.

Gabriel paces. Peeks in at Jeana with the camera equipment.

GABRIEL
You manned up my man. And I’m
proud of you for buying the ring--

JOHNNY
Well, I guess technically, I
handed over the credit card.

GABRIEL
What do you mean?

JOHNNY
My parents’ credit card.

GABRIEL
Minor detail. It’s the thought
that counts. Right?

Johnny’s head wags like a car ornament. Not sure.

GABRIEL
But you’ve gotta tell Jeana the
truth.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jeana hugs Johnny.

JEANA
Oh, Johhny it’s Okay. You
shouldn’t be afraid to ask. Cherry always loved you. You’re doing the right thing.

JOHNNY
I’m sorry I lied.

JEANA
Don’t be sorry. Be brave!

Jeana turns the ring over in her fingers. Admiration. Johnny eyes some equipment.

JOHNNY
What’s that for?

JEANA
Gabriel. Always experimenting.
Film stuff.

Jeana admires the ring. Something about it clicks in her head. She opens her notebook. The same ring sketched by hand.

*(Here she's recognizing her premonition and how it's the ring forged from the gold and another curious metal that was given to Gabriel at his birth. It's the metal/s that are enchanted with Heisberg magic.

JEANA
Johnny, where did you get this
ring?

JOHNNY
Robert’s Diamonds. Still can’t
believe I did it. It’s worth a whack load.

He pulls out the receipt. Breaks into a sweat.

JOHNNY
Excuse me. Stressing.

Jeana calls the number on the receipt.

Johnny checks his empty bag of potato chips and wanders out for more.

JEANA
Hello Robert. It’s Jeana Marie
Forest. Jean Marie Forest Heisberg. Remember me?

ROBERT DIAMOND (O.S.)
I know you must be angry. I melted the old Heisberg ring, but Gabriel
insisted that Logan was in no condition to make rational decisions anymore. He said The Council had ordered it.

JEANA
The person who can’t make rational
decisions anymore is Gabriel. Listen, I need you to make me a duplicate. Can you do that? And fast?

ROBERT DIAMOND
I’m on it.

EXT. PATIO - DAY

Jeana, Gabriel and Johnny sit around under an umbrella amid fancy garden furniture. Very nice, but they look completely dull.

They twiddle their thumbs, their glass stir sticks ting-a -ling in their drinks. Stirring like their minds, around and around.

GABRIEL
Where is everybody?

JEANA
Maybe they decided not to come?

JOHNNY
All that money. To a jewelers.
For nothing.

JEANA
Don’t say that Johnny, it’s early.
I’ll go get us some nibbles.

INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY

Jeana tickles the floor with her heels, as if counting miniature steps like a child. Her cell rings. She answers.

ROBERT DIAMOND (O.S.)
A minute to the door is it clear?

JEANA
I’ll come to you. Stay put.

EXT. MANSION - STREETSIDE

Jeana waves as a Van leaves. She looks at the duplicate inside the ring box. Pockets it.

EXT. PATIO - DAY

Jeana enters with a tray of nibbles.

JEANA
Here we are. I’m sure it was just
a matter of trouble at the airport.

JOHNNY
Gabriel was just telling me about
the Heisberg curse again. It’s been so long. I guess I started thinking we were just kids with overactive imaginations.

JEANA
How did we ever believe in such
stuff, right Gabriel? Nonsense.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Fish in a tank. Bubbles filter up into a voice through Jeana's cell.

BRGLDEE...

Jeana announces with a clap.

JEANA
Just got a call. Boys are on their
way. Gabriel runs to check on something last minute.

JEANA
I got an idea. Why don’t you
practice?

Johnny kneels down. His chubby hand slides the engagement ring on her slender fingers. Light skin, black nail polish, brilliant ring.

JOHNNY
You’ve been in my heart since we
met in grade school.

Cherry enters in her power suit, silent.

JOHNNY
I’ve loved you since forever. This question is long overdue. Will you
marry m-

CHERRY
No!

They turn as if the house just set ablaze. Johnny realizes he might have a bit of leverage. He winks at Jeana. Jeana’s eyes flutter and roll yes.

JOHNNY
Why on earth not? We’re both
lonely? Gabriel’s obviously not going to propose to Jeana. You’ve got a big exec lifestyle now. I just thought...

CHERRY
Because it’s not right. You don’t
marry somebody because you’re lonely. You marry them for love...

JEANA
And sex.

Cherry twists the ring off Jeana’s finger.

CHERRY
We need to talk...

EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY

An old beat-up RV pulls into the driveway. The RV parks far from the mansion entrance.
Gabriel dashes out the front entryway. The dirty window prevents his view of the driver. A tattooed arm hangs out the window.

The exhaust pipe blows thick smoke as it slows down. Oil drips from underneath the RV onto the pristine concrete.

GABRIEL
Hey, you can't park here! Turn
around! Damn it! Off my property!

The side door opens. RODDY “BURNER” BURNSIDE, mid twenties, tall, imposing, exits first.

RODDY
Gabriel, how ye be?

GABRIEL
Damn it, Roddy. It would be you.

This is your piece of crap!

JIMMY MAX GREEN, (MAX) mid twenties, boy scout good looks, exits the RV.

I'm breaking up this post. Continued next...

***

...Continued...

What I love about this particular work in progress is that the characters aren't being introduced all at once. I tarried over this a lot and we probably still will for a time to come. It's a very tricky business. It's difficult. It's fun. It's perplexing at how you can change one little detail and it changes the whole flavor of the entire story.

It's not fixed yet, but perhaps Darnell J-Max and Jeana are introd first very shortly. Then, a short scene that exists as a flashback where Gabriel leaves for Hollywood and we see the negativity from friends and family and (as if) a funeral in the eyes of Jeana. We don't see Logan Heisberg, his/her father, but we do see Johnny running, (out of breath) to deliver a special "something" that Logan "implores" Gabriel to accept. And he does, but what it is, is yet to be revealed.

Thinking about it, beginning with (in sections) Cherry and Jeana on The Docks, Gabriel (from Hollywood)l over the phone and internet with "the others in the group", Darnell, J-Max and Jeana at The Heisberg House just after Gabriel's left...

I think it makes for a digestible beginning. 1- Gabriel- Protag 2 - Jeana - deepest relation 3 - Cherry - Close friend but busy enough on the outside to seem unobtrusive. She's high-power in her work world-- completely different than her growing up.

J-Max and Darnell are into The Tape ordeal. Darnell is also in with Jeana, but who knows how that will go.

Frances is extremely intelligent and thank God for Logan who put up the money and consequently she was able to find out the truth about himself/ herself. Should everyone be so lucky.
She's at the reunion for many reasons. For herself, yes. But also for Logan.

The possibility is that she is introd in her work environment, a lab. Roddy, in his. I saw Roddy as working part time at nights as one helluva bouncer.

Roddy is here at the reunion and I'd love to get to the subtleties of what "the breakthrough" was that allowed him to come. Didn't he swear, "Here's to graduation! May I never see the likes of y'all again!"

The fact that he's here is a big deal in my mind. So again:

Gabriel, J-Max, Darnell, Jeana -- four characters come introd closer together and then:

Cherry is introd together with Jeana -- a chance to know the girls on a more intimate level.

Flashback:

Cherry, Roddy, Johnny (accentuated together in a group scene when Gabriel leaves Sidbury)
**all characters shine here, but specifically, this is a moment to make note of Cherry, Roddy and Johnny. (It is a bit of a triangle, even if it's mostly an unlikely one).

At the start of "The Reunion", when everyone arrives at Gabriel's Mansion in Hollywood:

Frances and Roddy, will be highlighted. Prior to this, however, they will remain as subtle and a bit shadowed.

Frances and Roddy are introd only as their teenager selves when Gabriel leaves Sidbury for stardom whereas:

Darnell and J-Max with their plot on Gabriel and Frances' risque tape points them more as important figures. Perhaps a distraction, since Johnny has as much motive as anyone in this game. Does Johnny know that the ring he's "almost" destined to is enchanted? If he discovers this fact, then maybe "power will corrupt" and he WILL go after Cherry, thinking, twisted as is the likes of all our thieves...

That it IS A RIGHT AND WORTHY THING TO DO...

Correct?

So yes, I love some of what we can do with the characters. It's all just a matter of time. And some of that Heisberg glitter.  

Sandra