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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  I Love Alice Moderators: bert
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  Author    I Love Alice  (currently 725 views)
Don
Posted: July 5th, 2014, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Love Alice by C.N. Yap - Drama - Tom seems like the sort who's got it all together. Except that he doesn't.  88 pages - pdf, format


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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 5th, 2014, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Took a look at the first ten pages. I think your dialogue is pretty good, but it goes on for too long in my opinion. At first I was thinking this is going to be a rom/com or something.

The first conversation on the phone when it opens up is a bit confusing.

I didn't like the use of the atm thing twice unless the first time, we(the reader/audience)know it's the same Tom/Alice but they don't actually. One thing is ...I can't buy into the fact that they didn't recognize each other for so long.

I like some of the conflict thus far....ie the jesus jew thing even though I felt that carried on too long. I'm not real sure by page ten though what this thing is about.

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