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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Godfather Part IV Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Godfather Part IV  (currently 2999 views)
Don
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Godfather Part IV by Britt Holden - Drama - Third generation descendant, Vincent Corleone, is now head of the crime family syndicate. Vincent decides to take the family business in a new treacherous direction by being its first Don to get them involved in drugs. Not only does he explore the trials and tribulations of the drug business, he also is determined to protect, and avenge anyone who endangers the family. 149 pages - pdf, format


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LeeOConnor
Posted: July 28th, 2014, 3:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi Britt,

I'm an avid fan of the Godfather trilogy and I thought I would give this a read, But after about ten pages I gave up.
What mainly made me stop was the subject matter for the Corleone family business. The Corleone's are now one of the most powerful families in the world after sealing the deal for immobiliare. This puts them up their with the Rockafella's, Lord Rothchilds, even the Vatican. Going back into the narcotics industry would be seen as petty for the Corleone's. They are a new super power, drugs would be a waste of time to them.

The battle for narcotics was already told in 1, and the Corleone family in 2 maintain control from east to west coast, in 3 they got rid of all illegitimate business making them the front runners for immobiliare.
Perhaps if you changed the subject matter to something more on their level, technology or stocks, dealing with these particular industries are just as corrupt and can have that same gangster feel.

This being said, writing a fourth for the godfather trilogy will be like climbing a mountain and will take someone very brave to read the whole script, especially if it is just like the last three.

Good luck with this Britt,  
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BrittHolden
Posted: July 29th, 2014, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Lee,

Thanks for your feedback. How I humble your opinion about my script, however, I do disagree with quite a bit of your statements.

First, i saw an interview where Francis Coppola stated that he was in the process of creating the GF4 script, and its subject matter was about Vincent getting involved with drugs with a foreign drug kingpin (modeled after Pablo Escobar), so I just capitalized off of that and created my script. When I find the video I will direct you to Youtube. Mario Puzo eventually died and I believe he lost motivation for the movie.

Second, there was no battle for narcotics in GFI because the Corleones did not get involved with drugs. Vito declined the offer and was attacked because he wouldn't share his political connects to protect the other families in their affairs. It became a battle for avenge after Vito's attack. There has not been a story of the Corleones actually being involved in drugs.

Third, Michael put on a front with intro ceremony on GF3 and trying to put himself in a position where he seemed legitimate, but the family's affairs were still illegitimate, but they don't clarify it much. If you study all of the real five families, none of them became legitimate. This was unrealistic, and was one reason why it failed in comparison to previous two films if viewers took that thought with them. All the families eventually got involved with drugs if you look at most recent incarcerations from made members. Immobiliare was just not interesting enough and if you read the entire script you will learn that Vincent's greed was a motive for most of his decisions regardless of how rich the family was and it was his greatest battle.

I really suggest you and everyone just give this a thorough read as it's really good. No script could ever have potential in defeating the GF I and II as they are masterpieces. Just, like most, an avid fan as well.
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rendevous
Posted: July 29th, 2014, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BrittHolden
I really suggest you and everyone just give this a thorough read as it's really good. No script could ever have potential in defeating the GF I and II as they are masterpieces. Just, like most, an avid fan as well.


You'll get reads in return if you read some of the scripts on here. Well, you'll get reads from most.

I too doubt the Corleones would get into drugs. But then again, it's your story and it's fiction. The Corleones could get into running a circus if a writer wanted them to.

Vincent on a unicycle. Now there's a scene I'd like to see. Andy Garcia juggling. Might be fun.

R


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 30th, 2014, 4:16am Report to Moderator
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I took a look... and I'm sorry to say your writing is not up to scratch yet. I'm sorry, because I know you're not going to want to hear that. Not only is it poorly written for a screenplay, your grammar isn't too good which really makes it hard to read.

Code

EXT. DAY: GRAVEYARD (SPRING 1980)

Camera view of a funeral session on a clear sky day is seen.
People are under and circled around a green tent. The sounds
of birds chirping and women sobbing are heard. Along with
the voice of the priest ANDREW HAGEN leading a prayer.



Let's take your very first sentence:

Code

Camera view of a funeral session on a clear sky day is seen.



Way too may words (relative to the information shared, obviously) and poorly structured. You don't need to mention camera view of nor is seen. Also, clear-sky day reads awkwardly.


Code

People are under and circled around a green tent.



Extremely awkward. I know what you mean, but I have to read it twice. On first read, it reads as though the people are actually circled. Why are people under the tent? Wouldn't they be inside it?


Code

The sounds
of birds chirping and women sobbing are heard.



Again, overly worded. No need for The sounds of nor are heard. You also only need to write:

Birds chirp, women sob.

Code

Along with
the voice of the priest ANDREW HAGEN leading a prayer.



You shouldn't start a sentence with along unless there are going to be two parts to the sentence, here you only give one.

Figure out your writing and you will get more reads.
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Guest
Posted: July 30th, 2014, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LeeOConnor

Perhaps if you changed the subject matter to something more on their level, technology or stocks, dealing with these particular industries are just as corrupt and can have that same gangster feel.



And isn't that what the mob is in to these days?  It would make it seem more relevant.

The whole drug thing feels like covered ground.  Do something different that I haven't seen 80 times already.

Revision History (1 edits)
Guest  -  July 30th, 2014, 3:32pm
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LeeOConnor
Posted: July 30th, 2014, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Britt,

I'm going to have to disagree with this comment. "Second, there was no battle for narcotics in GFI because the Corleones did not get involved with drugs. Vito declined the offer and was attacked because he wouldn't share his political connects to protect the other families in their affairs. It became a battle for avenge after Vito's attack"

After the death of Sonny and Bruno Tattalia, Vito Corleone called a meeting between the families for no more bloodshed, this I think was the agreement for the families to deal drugs as long as it was controlled.

I'll check out the Francis Youtube video, sounds intriguing.  
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BrittHolden
Posted: July 31st, 2014, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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We'll just have to agree to disagree on the subject of what GF4 should be and some of the other opinions, but don't want to go back and forth on those matters. When you take on an assignment related to a masterpiece, you should expect this type of critique. I figured my first script should be something based on a movie or tv show I'm highly intrigued by which is why I chose this feature and figured creating the fantasy of it would be fun.

However, my main point of creating this script was to get a feel of how much effort it takes to finish a script and get some feedback tips from you guys. I'm now in the process of working on my first original script. I will definitely take the grammar checks and opinions into consideration.
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