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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Breathe Moderators: bert
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  Author    Breathe  (currently 1685 views)
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Breathe by David Edmondson - Short, Drama - A man really lives after the passing of his wife.  11 pages - pdf, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 26th, 2015, 4:52pm
revised draft
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c m hall
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 10:47am Report to Moderator

peninsula of Jersey
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There are a series of powerful images; the soldiers at Normandy, Frank looking into his wife's sewing room, seeing the unfinished projects, Frank and his son at the kitchen table (surrounded by take-out food containers), Frank tearing apart the packed items in the garage, Frank beholding the motorcycle.  These images are well described and well chosen, which makes me think this will eventually become a fine, memorable film.

The letter in the opening scene contains the phrase

"anyone perFrank Jr. so much."

and then this phrase is repeated at the end.  I don't know what this means so I'm certainly missing something from this important passage.

The dazzling image at the end of the story seems appropriate (the heroic Frank faces impossible odds head on, once again) and ought to, I think, bring an emotional response from the audience.

I look forward to reading the next draft of this script.
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Posted: March 21st, 2015, 9:55am Report to Moderator

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Perhaps "anyone perFrank Jr. so much" should be "didn't realize I would miss you and Frank, Jr so much."

"There ain't much to being a ballplayer, if you're a ballplayer." - Honus Wagner
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