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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Repossessed Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 24th, 2016, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Repossessed by Christopher Gardner - Drama, Comedy - Bored with tormenting the damned, a demon hijacks the body of a teen to experience bodily existence for the first time. 80 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: July 27th, 2016, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Christopher.

The first parentheses you've got is vague and unnecessary.  Male voices can vary by quite a bit so if it's essential to describe the voice, is it raspy?  Deep?  Nasally?  In addition, the statement that we'll never see him is unknown to us as we can't actually see that fact.  If he will never be seen, don't show him.  Parentheses should be used sparingly in my opinion and this particular one is just unneeded.

The CUT-TO's you've got should be axed.  Just don't need them.

That's all I've got for now.  The action blocks read easy enough though I'm not too fond of the voice overs personally.


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