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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Stray Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 23rd, 2016, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stray by Tettey Nartey - Drama, Sci Fi - Life for some in a world built on secrets and ill morals, Is a wayward journey, neither easy, or pleasant. For the son of a cop it is a revenge story gone wrong. 90 pages - pdf, format


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muttonman
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Interesting premise

a few notes:

1) the double spacing threw me off.  You should have single spacing throughout, with double spacing used to break up paragraphs and dialogue.

2) When we meet Echo, you talk about seeing things from her POV.  This is a decision the director will make.  You should describe what she sees, and the director will decide to show it on screen.

3) I'm assuming when you say "beat", that means like a pause or something.  That shouldn't be in there. The actors and the director will interpret that stuff.

Overall though, I like where it's going.  I only read about 10 pages, but I'll probably go back and read the rest when I have more time.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from muttonman

2) When we meet Echo, you talk about seeing things from her POV.  This is a decision the director will make.  You should describe what she sees, and the director will decide to show it on screen.


That's like telling Vincent Willem van Gogh he can't use yellow.   Nothing wrong with using a POV... if needed.

_ghostwriter


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muttonman
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 1:53am Report to Moderator
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That's like telling Vincent Willem van Gogh he can't use yellow.   Nothing wrong with using a POV... if needed.

_ghostwriter


http://www.scriptmag.com/features/screenplay-format-use-camera-directions-for-screenplays

I don't make the rules, I just follow them.
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LC
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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The 'rules' are a guide for Spec writers, and beginner writers. Mostly it's so the screenplay is a clean read and you don't get carried away with yourself when you don't know what you're doing yet.

It's a good idea not to litter your script with camera directions, cause yes, it will ultimately be the director's vision, however sometimes a POV or some other direction is needed according to the writer's vision.

There's a big difference between CUT TO and zoom in everywhere and a POV.

That said I haven't read the script. Does it go overboard? If so, yep, peg it back.

Some 'rules' need to be broken. Learn them first, then break 'em if need be.

P.S. I took a cursory look. There are formatting errors...

'Meanwhile' and 'Moments later' do not belong aligned left as transitions. 'Moments Later' belongs as a time element in a slug line.

'Meanwhile' really doesn't belong at all.

Everything is also weirdly double-spaced. To the writer: read pro scripts and scripts on SS from the proven regulars, and you'll get the gist.



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LC  -  December 1st, 2016, 3:10am
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from muttonman


If you want to constrict your creativity, then go right ahead.  More power to you!!!!

As someone once said,"there are many Picassos out there... but there will only truly be ONE:  Pi - cas - so."

"There are creative ways to indicate POV or even CU without saying it.  His gnarled hand slips off the doorknob -- forces the reader to picture just that without taking them out of the story.

That's where the "rule" comes from -- Far too many new writers use camera angles and we see as a lazy crutch to the point that scripts are laden with these forced instructions and it removes the reader from the story -- so to err on the side of caution new writers are told to avoid it altogether, like flashbacks and voice overs -- but we all know good stories can be told with these devices.

Use it if needed -- especially if your script is in a room of characters and you need to point out that one of them sees something the others don't.

If you cannot CLEARLY indicate that, JOE sees MARY slide a thumbdrive into her sleeve, then by all means indicate:

JOE'S POV: Mary slips a thumbdrive up her sleeve."

It's another screenwriting tool.   Most people do fine without using them.   Use sparingly.  And it doesn't mean your stepping on the directors toes. Screenplay format has evolved over the years and still continue to do so today.

_ghostwriter



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  December 1st, 2016, 5:44am
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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@ Tettey,

Since I decided to Hi-Jack your thread, I felt I better comment.  I read to page 15 and that's where I bailed.  You might have something, but I couldn't follow most of it,  part of the problem has been mentioned -- the formatting.  You're also missing slugs that should be there.  

Take for instance -- the Security Guard; he leaves the room to check the cameras... where does he go?  Is the camera in or out of the office?  From reading... it sounds like the cameras are outside his office.  I really think you need a new slug.  Maybe "HALLWAY."

Lot's of moving parts to this.

Storywise, it's a little all over the place, maybe as the story goes forward everything becomes cohesive, but from where I sit, you jump around so much I'm not sure which one of the characters we've met is the protag.

There's so many, nothing wrong with that per se, but we need to know who to focus on. I'd like to say ECHO, but I don't get any clear sense of who or what she's about.

Oh, the post for LC, listen to that lady, she's smart.

That's all I have for now.  Keep at it... keep up the good fight...

Ghostie



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  December 1st, 2016, 7:14am
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muttonman
Posted: December 1st, 2016, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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I suppose you're right about the use of POV and other directions.  I assumed that, like me, people were here to work on spec scripts, which doesn't include that stuff.  If you're not writing a spec script, then by all means, use the directions, but I would still keep it in check.
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