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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  When We Fall Behind Moderators: bert
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  Author    When We Fall Behind  (currently 1793 views)
Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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When We Fall Behind by Dan Hutchinson - Drama - Estranged brothers Mike and Frankie travel across America to lay their Mother to rest. As they struggle to overcome their past, a bounty hunter looks to end their future. 121 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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eldave1
Posted: November 15th, 2017, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dan: read a few pages. Not bad at all but you could be more efficient with your descriptions by (1) eliminating info that you already have in your scene headings and (2) getting rid of all the "it is" and opening "the". I saw this issue throughout. Examples:


Quoted Text
EXT. RED'S BAR - BOSTON - NIGHT

It is a rain-filled night.


Don't need night (it's in your heading) or the it is. Just:

Raining

or better yet something more descriptive

Pouring rain or unrelenting rain


Quoted Text
INT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT
The place is about half-full. Around thirty people are seated
near the small stage listening while others sit at the bar
talking.


You don't need "the place" - we already know we're in a bar. Just open with:

About half full.


Quoted Text
EXT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT
It is still raining.


Lose the it's. Just:

Still raining.


Quoted Text
Frankie is stopped dead in his tracks. He winces before
slowly turning to face RAY CANNAVARO (55), a white male with
receding hair and a face of a thousand stories.


Again - no need for the is.

Frankie stops dead in his tracks, winces before slowly...



Quoted Text
INT. DILAPIDATED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The warehouse is sparse apart from some old broken machinery.


We already know it is a warehouse. Just write.

Sparse, apart from.....


Quoted Text
A badly beaten man is sitting tied to a chair. He is wearing
a ruffled designer suit. It is CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's) and
sun kissed. Carl sports a BLOODIED right eye and chin.


The is's and the ing words are really slowly the read. Make it active rather than passive.

e.g.,

CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's), ruffled designer suit, sits tied to a chair. His eye and chin bloodied.

Anyway - I know the above may seem nitty, but they are small changes that can really pick up the pace of the read.

Hope this helps


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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Nuwander
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 4:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the input Eldave1.  Appreciated
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eldave1
Posted: November 16th, 2017, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nuwander
Thanks for the input Eldave1.  Appreciated


My pleasure - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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