When We Fall Behind by Dan Hutchinson - Drama - Estranged brothers Mike and Frankie travel across America to lay their Mother to rest. As they struggle to overcome their past, a bounty hunter looks to end their future. 121 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Dan: read a few pages. Not bad at all but you could be more efficient with your descriptions by (1) eliminating info that you already have in your scene headings and (2) getting rid of all the "it is" and opening "the". I saw this issue throughout. Examples:

Quoted Text EXT. RED'S BAR - BOSTON - NIGHT It is a rain-filled night.

Don't need night (it's in your heading) or the it is. Just:

Raining

or better yet something more descriptive

Pouring rain or unrelenting rain

Quoted Text INT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT The place is about half-full. Around thirty people are seated near the small stage listening while others sit at the bar talking.

You don't need "the place" - we already know we're in a bar. Just open with:

About half full.

Quoted Text EXT. RED'S BAR - NIGHT It is still raining.

Lose the it's. Just:

Still raining.

Quoted Text Frankie is stopped dead in his tracks. He winces before slowly turning to face RAY CANNAVARO (55), a white male with receding hair and a face of a thousand stories.

Again - no need for the is.

Frankie stops dead in his tracks, winces before slowly...

Quoted Text INT. DILAPIDATED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT The warehouse is sparse apart from some old broken machinery.

We already know it is a warehouse. Just write.

Sparse, apart from.....

Quoted Text A badly beaten man is sitting tied to a chair. He is wearing a ruffled designer suit. It is CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's) and sun kissed. Carl sports a BLOODIED right eye and chin.

The is's and the ing words are really slowly the read. Make it active rather than passive.

e.g.,

CARL SULLIVAN (mid 30's), ruffled designer suit, sits tied to a chair. His eye and chin bloodied.

Anyway - I know the above may seem nitty, but they are small changes that can really pick up the pace of the read.

Hope this helps

Thanks for the input Eldave1.  Appreciated

Quoted from Nuwander Thanks for the input Eldave1.  Appreciated

My pleasure - best of luck