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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Misdeal Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 19th, 2017, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Misdeal by John Iannucci - Drama - {no logline} 117 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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JohnI
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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logline:A framed and broke financial wiz battles the seedy world of New York's underground poker in order to find love and redemption.
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eldave1
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
JOE MASCARI, fifty-two, not a hair out of place, dressed in
$1,000 suit, signs the check.

NICK DIMARI, fifty-three, well-dressed, but not as upper-end,
sits looking at Joe's watch in his hand. Puts the watch down.
There is an empty place setting on the table.


The setting is not established very well. Start with something like: at a corner booth - so we know where these characters are.

The poker scene is going to be a rough read for those who aren't familiar with the game. Even a term like mucks or slow rolling are not common vernacular. I know from playing that they are genuine terms - but it is going to be tough for non-players.

Going through the hand makes for some tedious action - I would probably start this at the end of the hand rather than going through it pre-flop, flop, turn and river.

The dialogue exchange between the FBI agent and Joe was very unrealistic IMO - way too on the nose and not at all the way this would go down. It is way to exposition laden - especially at a time of arrest. There going to read him his rights (which you don't have) - not go through the detail of the charges, a description of Frank's role and plane flight, talk about Cuba's extradition policy, etc. etc.  It is very un-natural dialogue and merely done to deliver plot points.

Logic issues as well - Joe needs to call his wife (why does he think she's not in the mansion?) and more importantly why isn't Joe calling a lawyer?  

All these plot points that you are forcing in the dialogue need to be developed/exposed more naturally - for example - there could be a scene with Joe and his lawyer after his booking where Joe is explaining to the lawyer what his partner's role is, etc.

The other problem I have is that Joe seems too stupid. He was oblivious at the card game, kind of acting like a less than average Joe at the arrest - yet - he theoretically is sophisticated financial manager? You give him the voice and sophistication of a face food worker - not  a financial wiz.

Best of luck, John - but IMO this has some flaws out of the gate most of which center around the character's dialogue.  Look to make it far less on the nose.

Hope these notes help.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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