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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Three Texans Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Three Texans  (currently 223 views)
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 11:46am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Three Texans by Randy Gore - Short, Western, Crime - The story of three Texans travelling across the Lone Star State to rob a bank. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 7th, 2019, 2:53pm
revised draft
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Posted: January 8th, 2019, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Southern California
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I like your writing style - it pops.

One nitty issue:

Quoted Text
The three Texans, BOBBY, JOE, AND DEAN are inside. Bobby is
behind the wheel, Joe is riding shotgun, and Dean is in the
backseat smoking a joint. All three are mid-20s rednecks.

The Bobby is, Dean is
approach is a little inefficient. Lose the "is". Something like:

BOBBY at the wheel. JOE rides shotgun. Dean in the
backseat smoking a joint. Three Texan rednecks (mid-20s).

An a story suggestion. I think the ending would have more pop if the kids from the restaurant walk by the police cruiser as our villains are being cuffed  - flash then some of them own money.

Nice work.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
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