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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  For Rosie Moderators: bert
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  Author    For Rosie  (currently 943 views)
Max Ruddock
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Oh Christ, now I don't know what to think!

Either way, it makes a depressing kitchen sink drama sound more trendy and fun... well, maybe.
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eldave1
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max Ruddock
Hi Dave,

Thanks for taking a look and the feed back. I really appreciate it!

I hadn't thought about the slaughterhouse thing, so I'll have a look at that. It's meant to be an abattoir out in the sticks but I'll make sure it's clearer in the next draft.

Blood-soaked. You're right! I'll blame the wife for not picking up that as she's meant to be my proof-reader.

Good point about the "Man" thing. Whilst I don't want to reveal too much on the first page, things like age would help otherwise it's very open to the reader, who might picture some overweight 60 year old in a leotard, which is the opposite of how he is.

Great point with the mini slugs too. I didn't even know what they were when I wrote this, but I'm going to use them way more from now on in everything I write as I like how they look on the page.

Thanks again Dave, I owe you.

Max





My pleasure - your stuff is always an easy read.

On slaughter house - all I think you need is one line - we ought to at least  know if it is active or not. e.g. if it is inactive - something akin to "the rusted hooks from where animal carcasses once hung still dangle from the ceiling."

Anything that clears it up really would work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 20th, 2019, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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@Max


Quoted Text
Hope I haven't come across as a massive sexist saying that haha

Yeah, you did.  I'm just messin' wit'cha.


Quoted Text
I've only had feedback off guys so far, and it tends to be stuff like "more fights, yeah more fighting".


"Friends make the worst enemies." Frank Underwood

Without further ado,

I do not like fighting very much, so a fighting story is not something I would enjoy.  But this is not a fighting story, it is about a fighter.  The underdog story of, a kind-hearted depth factory worker and part-time fighter, who wants a second chance to reconnect with his daughter (Rosie).  GAVIN DAVEY, AKA Meph, is your average tough-guy you see walking down the street, but this story takes a closer look INTO the guy walking past you, and not AT the guy walking past you.  Meph is a common man that I believe audiences will be able to identify themselves with.  We see a man struggling in life, who is dragged down to the ground and humiliated.  By Steven, Phil, and even to some extent...Tanya.  

Despite this, he maintains his positive outlook and manages to get back up.  His incredible willpower allows a factory worker and ex-fighter to “go the distance.”  He lives in a caravan, and he barely makes enough money to support himself. Here's my takeaway:

Methinks the motivational message of this story is to never give up, despite the circumstances. It is a loud and thundering message to all the underdogs out there who are confronted with unbearable opposition.  Maybe in some strange way it inspires us not to accept the status quo, but to fight hard for a positive change.  Even though Meph is hit by many blows that strike him to the ground, he never gives up and always gets back up.  The story shows what persistence really is, and what it means to never give up, no matter what. The story tells us that we often must fight hard for our dreams and that one should never ever allow anyone to stand in between oneself and one’s dreams.  I could be slightly off, but not by much.

The tone throughout is generally quite dark although there are a few light hearted moments, that stop it becoming too grim.  For instance; Clair pushing the care bear at Meph.  Pacing is decent.  The script was often tampered with a lot of foul language... the C**ts & "F" bombs does get overplayed too much, and become a bit annoying as the script drags along. But this is only a minor criticism. I get it.  People swear.  If you refuse to have them swear in situations where they would, then your people won't seem real.  It's a tool that helps characterization... as long as you do not make it a crutch.  The feel-good ending is extremely Hollywood-esque, however it's always refreshing to see such positivity in a story like this.

* Characters. I'll get into them individually.

*Steven:  Not much redeeming about him.  I've got no problem with a controversial character, but they need to have people push back against them... at the bus stop, Steven curses the OLD LADY, asking for information.  Meph just stood by, didn't try and push back.   Several times Steven insulted Tanya, the mother of his daughter.  Again, he stood pat.  Not sure if you ever heard of a TV show "All In the Family."  But...Archie Bunker is the model - he was a stupid racist, but we could laugh at his stupidity, enjoy watching the other characters call him out, and see him lose in the end. (It was an incredibly important element of that show that he was always wrong and always lost.)   Again, Steven is just crude and demeaning, and still wins.  If he's going to have this attitude, there needs to be consequences.  Granted, there are in the end, but...

*Tanya: for most of the first half of the script she's angry, now I'm not going to call her a straight-up feminist, but...she eventually comes around.  I'd like to say dig a little deeper, but we know where she's been.  What's she's been doing the last few years - how she pays the bills, but does she secretly hopes to rekindle their relationship?... It doesn't have to be that, but I think it needs to be *something*...


Quoted Text
Three, include intimate sex scene between Meph and Tanya just before she learns that he has resumed fighting; her disappointment here would have been more dramatic.  


Ditto.  EC makes a valid point.  I concur.  I think Libby would, too.

*Clair.  I'm not sure you need this character. She doesn’t really add much, and it's a huge broad complication.  She pops in and out, doesn't give helpful advice or perspective... she seems unnecessary.  Those were my initial thoughts until I went back and re-read her scenes. Okie Dokie, keep her, but make her more relevant.  Whatever route you take, make sure it's in the best interest of the story.

*Phil not much to him.  For lack of better words, a deadbeat.  Meph gave him a second chance and Phil showed his true colors, and that's about it.   Not sure I would have given Phil so much screen time.

*Kathy was just a sweet, lovable character.  One, in which, all scripts should have.

Okay, I was going to launch into some representative page notes. Decided not to.  It's gettin late, and I'm exhausted.  Sorry.  

Meph trying to have a relationship with Rosie.  That's your story, right there.  The fighting is just window dressing.  

A personal note: there are watershed moments in our life where we make choices, choices that will spin the way our life will go next.  What your opening scene does is crystallize one of those moments. That's what I really like about it.

To wrap up: on the whole it's very good, the actual plot is well constructed. Of course, this is all from my POV, just one person's thoughts.  Hope it helps in some way, good luck with it.  Forgive my errors.  My 0.2 . Soldier on...


Quoted Text
I should probably get more women to read my stuff to get a better spread of...


You just have.  -Andrea.



A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


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_ghostwriters  -  March 20th, 2019, 6:18am
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Max Ruddock
Posted: March 24th, 2019, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Andrea,

WOW!

Thanks loads for the read, and thanks even more for sharing your thoughts. If I'm ever fortunate enough to pitch this to a producer, I hope you don't mind if I plagiarise most of what you just wrote? I'm not even kidding by the way. I think you've done a much better job of summarising what it's about than I've been able to do hahaha

Good call on the swearing. I'd actually cut it down already, but will take even more out. I've read stuff before with too many swears and the dialogue quickly started to read like white noise, which I definitely don't want to emulate.

Interesting to see your take on the characters too. Always great to hear someone else's take on them as it can offer up fresh ways of thinking about them.

Right, now I've really got to psych myself up and get back to a rewriting this damn thing! Feel like I owe it to you and everyone else who's taken the time to read it and shared their thoughts and offered feedback... I just regret I thought writing something so depressing would be fun. What the hell was I thinking???

Cheers, I owe you one!

Max

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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 25th, 2019, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max Ruddock
Hi Andrea,

WOW!

Thanks loads for the read, and thanks even more for sharing your thoughts. If I'm ever fortunate enough to pitch this to a producer, I hope you don't mind if I plagiarise most of what you just wrote?


All yours, baby!  Good luck with it...


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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EC
Posted: May 12th, 2019, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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I was thinking about how these characters are trapped in socio-economic distressed bubbles, and like a Betta Fish; trapped in a glass goblet, life is stagnate and in continuous misery from which there is no escape!  It's a perfect metaphor!  Thought you would have signed a production deal by now and been on your way to fame and glory --?!

You mentioned feedback from BBC? I tried searching the website but came up short.  Would love to read a different view on the material and any and all progress you have made on the work to date.   Will check back often!
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