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Oh, Christmas Tree by Marty Chartrand - Dramedy, Family - A man drags his family along on his quest to find the perfect Christmas tree. 87 Pages - pdf, format
Sounds like an episode of the Simpsons. Dramedies are not my thing. I can't copy n paste from your script which makes things more difficult when trying to give examples. Your opening is written a little too passively for a pro screenplay... and you're a white male possibly nearing middle age so your gender or race isn't going to save you.
The 'we are on a mission' line of dialogue is off. The 'I am not going home without a Christmas tree' is all that is needed there. I could go on but you don't make things easy.
My deepest apologies for disappointing you. It's never my intention to do so.
I would more categorize this as a family story with dramatic and comedic elements. But for whatever reason, SimplyScripts has us choose a single category. I felt if I selected, Family I would have gotten but someone gives the middle finger. A selection of Drama would have been, but there's too much comedy for a drama. Comedy, but it's too serious at times. So Dramedy it is.
I am a thirty-one-year-old white male. So yes, middle age is creeping on in.
As for my writing being too passive for a professional screenplay, I think I tend to write in a style that is easier for me to write, read, rewrite and proofread. So there is no doubt that people who tend to like the classical style of screenplays will hate it. Maybe someday I will try to write to the more basic approach of screenwriting. Eliminating ellipsis, dashes, hyphens and so on. This will more than likely always hold me back.
But the way I look at my current state is, I am not being paid to write a professional screenplay, the reader is not being paid to read a professional screenplay, so why not have a fun read?
Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I am just a bad writer who's never going to cut it. I guess time will tell but I don't think I'm ready to give up on it. Not yet at least.
Again, thank you for your time. I appreciate it and I am sorry this one wasn't worth it.
P.S. I truly mean zero disrespect by any of this and I really hope it isn't taken that way.
My deepest apologies for disappointing you. It's never my intention to do so.
As I didn't have any intention of reading the entire content anyway, I'm hardly disappointed. My interest lies in the technical aspects of your screenplay. As you're a regular member here, my intention was to help you improve your technical ability.
Your storytelling ability is already without question, I believe.
I would more categorize this as a family story with dramatic and comedic elements. But for whatever reason, SimplyScripts has us choose a single category. I felt if I selected, Family I would have gotten but someone gives the middle finger. A selection of Drama would have been, but there's too much comedy for a drama. Comedy, but it's too serious at times. So Dramedy it is.
All stories have these elements in them. You have romance too, I bet. If not, then your script needs it.
As for my writing being too passive for a professional screenplay, I think I tend to write in a style that is easier for me to write, read, rewrite and proofread. So there is no doubt that people who tend to like the classical style of screenplays will hate it. Maybe someday I will try to write to the more basic approach of screenwriting. Eliminating ellipsis, dashes, hyphens and so on. This will more than likely always hold me back.
You're confusing classical with modern. What I'm suggesting is modern. You need only look at the poorly written screenplays from the past to prove this.
You've misunderstood what I mean by your writing being a little too passive. I'm talking specifically about your overuse of 'ing' verbs. One or two here and there is fine, but, generally, it is more active not to use them.
But the way I look at my current state is, I am not being paid to write a professional screenplay, the reader is not being paid to read a professional screenplay, so why not have a fun read?
The read would be far easier and more fun if more active.
Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I am just a bad writer who's never going to cut it. I guess time will tell but I don't think I'm ready to give up on it. Not yet at least.
The old 'maybe I'm a bad writer, but...' routine. How cliche. This from being offered advice on more active writing. Please... you're better than that.
Again, thank you for your time. I appreciate it and I am sorry this one wasn't worth it.
Just so you know, I merely offered advice on your writing as I see that you're an active member, which makes you a serious writer. As you're a serious writer, why wouldn't you want to improve your grasp of the craft?
P.S. I truly mean zero disrespect by any of this and I really hope it isn't taken that way.
All the best, Marty
Mate, I can't be arsed with bullshit. Saying 'thank you' and I 'appreciate' means nothing to me at all. They're just words on a page, the real intent behind them unknown. You've clearly taken my post negatively, so why would you appreciate that?
Other than that, the writing from a technical perspective is very strong IMO. That being said, I think there are story telling issues.
The wife is far too stereotypical and dated. This is someone who would have graduated high school around 2000 and she sounds (i.e., her voice) so old. Shake her up. Make her a modern woman, put an IPAD and a glass of wine in her hand - basically - get her out of the 1950s. She could serve much better as a comic foil in that regard. (e.g., researching the environmental damage from XMAS trees on her smartphone, etc. etc.). Make her a real, vibrant person. ANd now that I think of it, this may be a more interesting tale if the roles were reversed. i.e., flip the roles of the husband and the wife.
The reversals are too mundane. First - the car breakdown. It is such a common trope and an everyday event that most folks aren't going to get why it is a barrier - especially with things like rental cars/Uber, etc. etc.
Second - the mini-van. The problem here is that how much easier it would be to just clear out the snow from the mini-van than it would be too take the convertible to get a tree. You don't want your viewers thinking - shit, why don't they just.....
So - yes - getting a large tree in an open convertible - funny stuff. Just get there in a less complicated fashion. They simply have two cars - a mini-van and a convertible. He goes to start the mini-van - dead as a doorknob. On to the convertible.
I am 40 pages in and I have no sense of why this tree mission is critical to him. This needs to be clear much earlier. I also have no idea what role his Dad's death played in all of this instant need for Christmas cheer and I think I need to know that as well.
So - while I think the writing from a technical perspective is very solid, the story is not holding me at the 40 page mark because I have no sense of the reason for this mission, the urgency and the obstacles set up seem mundane.
Hi Marty, I read the first 15. I couldn't understand your main guys problem. I mean - I do see it in the longline but don't think it's on the pages. I see they are looking for a tree in the first two scenes - but it reads just like another regular day. Also there's no much conflict and that spoils the read. So he couldn't find a tree - that's no biggie, I'd think. So he lost his dad but what's of it? I suggest you infuse it with conflict between family members. He doesn't have a car - how about his wife is reluctant to drive him or something.
(On an unrelated note he tells his wife "My cousin Victoria" - just "Victoria" as she knows who Victoria is)
I might be off with this review but that's how I read it. And if I missed something I'm sorry.
I quite literally am the new guy round here. Sniffing around the threads, trying not to lurk too creepily. So I’m sorry in advance and probably in perpetuity.
... But I notice that you’re apologising more than an Englishman for even posting a great big long script that’s clearly taken you craploads of hours and hard work to create. I mean, I’m actually English. I’ve already apologised 57 times today: I got on the tube - sorry - I walked past someone - sorry - I bought a coffee - sorry. You get the idea. But you should not be apologising for submitting a script to the vague appraisals of various typists.
I read the first ten pages. I learned: I need to break up my action paragraphs a WHOLE load more than I do currently. You do that, and it makes the whole thing a whole load more readable. I skimmed, and I understood. Sorry for skimming (I’m English, I can excuse ANYTHING). But I did skim and I still understood, because the action was simple enough and the dialogue was clear enough.
So... no more apologies. You’ve written a feature. And I learned from even the first 11%. Thank you!
Because it is unlikely that people will read the whole script, I will summarize it for everyone.
A man loses his father. It is Christmas Eve. They have no tree, no decorations. No care for a Christmas. After seeing a photo of his parents and himself around a Christmas tree, he gets the idea to cheer up his mother by giving her a great Christmas. They look for a tree here and there. Thy are offered a tree. It is not good enough so they turn the tree down. They get a tree. They lose a tree. They find a tree. They lose that tree. Roy feels like he's let his mother down. The rest of the family find the original tree that wasn't good enough for Roy and bring it home. Roy realizes through this act that it was never about the tree but rather the family around it. There's a convertible driving in the snow. A broken radio that only repeats "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." A large man named Bruiser chopping down trees in the forest. Family loss. Family love.
No need to apologize. Get yourself accustomed to the site.
The best advice I can give is you get what you put in. So offer feedback and submit.
I'm glad that you were able to find something useful out of my screenplay.
As my first feature, it's a little rough but it's okay. I will improve.
Some like my style and some don't. A lot of feedback is subjective. But very, very helpful. Breaking up your action is always recommended. You want people to find your writings to be quick reads.
Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.
I’m on this. I’ve read 27 pages so far, a few days ago. I’m putting the finishing touches on my own family type Christmas feature at the moment, so this appealed to me.
From what I get out of the first act, I’m seeing a lot of tragedy - I think your protag’s father just died? - but I’m not getting much rationale yet for this journey to go out and get the perfect tree, which I believe is because grandma is coming and he wants the perfect tree? Sorry, it’s been a few days since reading. Anyway, I’ll have a better thought out opinion once I read this all the way through, which I hope to do. Cheers then.