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Thank you in advance for the read. It's my first "complete" feature so it's more than likely going to have some growing pains involved. Any notes you provide will help greatly during my rewrite.
Okay. First, I think this story has flashes of brilliance to it. The Bruiser scene, and old lady in the monster truck. I also enjoyed the neighbors dogs, and feel you could have done much more with that! I’d have had them shitting all over the place, but that’s me. I enjoyed those. The rest kinda fell flat for me. Here’s why. You’re trying to build up momentum as we go, but I think Roy’s motivation, needs work, as does his characterization. You never give us much of a back story on how much Roy loved his parents and that’s important. Story wise, that motivating factor - to give grandmas the best Christmas after her husbands passing - needs a better set up and more detail. Aside from grandpa dying, maybe Roy’s Mom always had a big Christmas tree when they were kids and really went all out, giving Roy the motivation he needs to make this the best Christmas ever. If that is in there somewhere, it’s possible I missed it, it needs to stand out more than it does because this is what’s driving Roy.
Second, I’m not sure why Roy’s family all agrees to go with him on Christmas Eve. They all seem like willing followers, and I feel there should be a reason they should all go other than to placate their fathers whims.
This felt, at times, like Nation Lampoons Vacation. Was that a motivator?
There are certain scenes like the visiting of the three or four farms that could have been condensed to just a series of shots. It takes up a lot of space where it doesn’t have to and would make for a quicker read.
There really is no b-story here to kind of interrupt what’s going on. It’s one long set up, action, then resolution, and it reads, as much as you did your best to make it quick and to the point, kinda pedestrian. There are several scenes where you could have amped up the action and brought it to a different level. Old Lady with the monster truck scene is one. I was almost expecting to see Roy and her get into fisticuffs, and was disappointed when that didn’t happen. That’s not the only way to go here, but you would have had that as well as the family’s reaction to it to write about.
However, I did like the Bruiser scene and thought you handled that pretty well.
The writing itself doesn’t pop, and you use way too many asides is there to illustrate certain points when snappy dialogue and snappy writing would have done better to get your point across. Not sure what this is:
(Action)
Until,
(Then more action)
Lose it. It just reads weird and is unnecessary. I know what you’re trying to do, but, like the asides, it doesn’t work and shouldn’t be there. You’re stressing the point of a certain reveal or moment with that, when snappy writing would have sufficed. What I’m saying is it’s a cheap way to do it. Your a writer - a creator! Create then, think about it and figure out a way to do it better.
Overall, it’s not a bad story, but it needs a whole lot more to make it great. I thought I had the ending figured out. I thought you’d go the Vacation route and have Grandma not show up at all, making the whole ordeal worthless.
All that being said, I do like Christmas stories. I enjoyed this. It was memorable in spots, laughable ( in a good way) in others. Reminds me of my first feature. I thought I had it down cold, but when I look at it a few years later I can see all the obvious mistakes and writing issues that I couldn’t back then and it makes me cringe.
Anyway, take what I say with a grain of salt. I’m no Ernest Hemingway. And if you need any opinions on anything specific do not hesitate to instant message me.
Thank you so much for the read and the feedback. I appreciate all of it.
I agree that the characters and plot need more development. As does the need for more backstory and conflict. But more than anything, I think I need to finalize the tone and what story I am trying to tell here.
I think a major area where things went wrong for me was not deciding the kind of story I wanted to tell. At first it went from having a Hallmark feel, then a PG Christmas Vacation sort of on the lines of Alexander and the Terrible No Good Very Bad Day. When I think all the while what I really wanted to write was a darker story with more crude humor the likes of Little Miss Sunshine. But that may change again as I rewrite it. Doesn't it always?
I am working on a rewrite that will hopefully address all of its flaws while adding more plot and character development as well as added humor and drama.
All of your feedback is going to help with this.
As for the writing style, I think with most of my shorts having action heavy elements, I stuck with it instead of writing it more dramatic. Something else that was a great lesson to learn. Have style but know when and when not to use it. A time and a place.
I haven’t read the over comments here, so apologies if I am repeating anything that has already been said. As you say, this is a first draft, and you seem to know a lot of the issues here, but at least you completed a draft of a feature script, which is a momentous task, so congrats on that. I think it is the perfect length for a spec script (I’m trying to aim between 87-94 for my future feature scripts as opposed to pushing 120). I like the simplicity of the story, and it is easy to follow. A family themed Christmas film is a bit corny for me, maybe if I get a family I could relate to this stuff a bit more. But there is a bit audience for this family entertainment stuff. This would make an ideal TV Christmas movie. For the most part, I like the way you handled Roy, teetering on the edge of his sanity, his fake joviality to the family, the heavy breathing, on his obsessive quest to get a tree. I think it really works when he is on his own. I do like that scene on 20 where the family downstairs listen to Roy come in and go straight upstairs. I do think a stronger scene is needed to make us buy into his obsession to get that tree at all costs. Beth is a very supportive and understanding wife, too understanding, the whole family is. Although the kids complain, I find it hard to believe they will go along with it as much as they do without causing a great fuss. This could add more tension and obstacles in your story. Thing I found most interesting here is how a pretty pedestrian story is turned into an adventure. There’s potential there. As Roy and the family go deeper into their misadventures, this really started to remind of the family from the Chevy Chase Vacation movies, the Griswolds, especially when they are wondering the forest and find the tree. I enjoyed that scene. Roy is an interesting conflicting character, but I felt he came across as very selfish, even with the stress and grief he is suffering. I felt sorry for the shopkeeper and others that he was giving a hard time. I actually felt Bruiser came off as the better man when they have their confrontation. Although I feel a lot of sympathy for Roy when he weeps in the shower, so I guess he redeems himself, he knows he has acted appallingly. I think you could have found a better way to describe Roy’s final breakdown that a countdown, give the actor more to work with. I thought Grandma Mae was a bit too corny, typical grandmother. Far too much is concentrated on the Christmas tree, you could do a lot with other Xmas objects, like the thousands of Xmas lights, you could have a lot of fun with that, I like the way you wrote it, it sounded like a swarm. Nice visual of the minivan packed with snow. I think you could do a lot more to hook the audience early, especially the first scene. Having the family in the car bored did not seem interesting to me. You need a punch, and I would recommend you think long and hard of what that would be, something connected to the theme of Christmas? Something that puts Roy even more on edge at the get go? The ending was a bit too cutesy and corny for my liking, especially Beth’s speech to Roy. The way you introduce the family at the start, why do they get their own separate line? Why not introduce all the Gibbons once, as opposed to twice? A lot of the dialogue seems matter of fact and could do with a proper going over, but that is to be expected from a first draft. There are some redundant action lines that could just be taken out, e.g., on page 4, ‘And so does Roy’ is redundant because the next line is ‘ROY; I agree.’ Watch out for homonyms (their-they’re, your-you’re) spellcheckers are absolutely no help with these. I make this mistake all the time. I hope you find this helpful, and good luck with your next draft.
Thank you so much for the read, the positive words, the notes, and the feedback. I really appreciate all of it.
The script definitely has it's hits and misses in my opinion. I need to work a lot of it out.
I think the tone of it changed a lot during my writing of it. At first, I thought Hallmark channel. Then, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day meets Christmas Vacation. Now, Little Miss Sunshine. I'm definitely making it darker and changing up a lot of it. I'm working on giving Roy and Beth more conflict. Making Beth more of a 2017 woman and wife. Giving the kids a goal. Making Grandma Mae less bland and portraying why a simple Christmas Tree means so much to Roy and his mother.
Hopefully, I can do that. Either way, it has been a great lesson on what to not do and thinking about the reader. When we are the writer we live with these characters so they grow to make sense in our own mind. It is our job to make them make sense in the reader's mind. I didn't do that here. I will. I'll get better.
Happy holidays and thank you again for everything.
Marty, I meant to give at least some of this a read then Holidays happened. Are you in the middle of a re-write or moving on to something else such that I should hold off on notes?
I'm currently in the middle of a rewrite for this script. I've received some very good feedback and notes thus far. So it's your call on whether or not you want to wait until it's finished or provide notes on the first draft. You know me, I appreciate any and all help, whenever and wherever I can get it.
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Oh, Christmas Tree
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