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Re@Pair by Jerimy Bell - Dramedy - A charming man comes into a woman's life seeming to fix her ever so stressful life with a machine of wonders but soon realizes this may be more than what It seems. 16 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
A flouncing WOMEN looks out the commercial automatic doors to a buzzing crowd as long as the Nile River. Some people near the front are camped out while others wait patiently, small chat roaming about.
Flouncing is a bit of a rare term. Go with something more common.
WOMEN - did you mean WOMAN?
Lose unnecessary words - e.g., "commercial" - not needed since we know it's a store.
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while others wait patiently, small chat roaming about.
The above sentence is missing something. Small chat roaming about - doesn't make sense.
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Outside the huge Supermarket is rather calm -- gasping, she peers back over her shoulder to what seems to be the mother of all chaos.
Again - wasted words - we don't need the huge supermarket since it is already in the header.
The sentence is a bit odd - just start with The Woman looks back over her shoulder..
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She is Melanie Johnson (33).
Should be MELANIE JOHNSON - always CAP characters when first intro'd.
Parts I did, parts I didn't. There was some clever dialogue. TH two main problems for me are your protag is not very likeable - hard to root for her, and the $500 an hour thing to talk was a realistic premise for me. Just my opinion.
There are also a lot of grammar and typos that need to be fixed.
First off, welcome to the board. There is a lot of great info to be found here, especially from the more experienced writers on this site. You can learn a lot.
OK, I gave this a better look-see. Take Dramedy in the morning and say goodnight to allergies.
As far as your script: the tone came across as completely comedic. That's the thing. You've chosen particularly difficult subject matter for entertainment, so finding the right balance is a real challenge.
My biggest concern is Melanie. eldave1 sorta beat me to the punch here...
To me -- she's immediately unsympathetic. Although she loses her job -- I still have no sympathy for her. If I went outside for a cigarette and saw this gal, I would skip my break. When your protag is so deeply unsympathetic it's hard to keep the reader interested in what happens to him. Or in your case HER. I must have an emotional investment in your protag to take this journey with her -- at the moment, I don't.
Not to belabor the point, but... which is a looooong-winded way of saying - you've painting such an unlikable character that I don't give a damn whether Mel lives, dies or turn into a zombie. I can't help but think that maybe you might be better off giving your audience some reason to care about her fate. The thing is -- we have to connect with your protag. In some way or another. She doesn't have to be a good girl. But methinks we have to feel something even if she’s a bad one.
I'd encourage you to try to get through this much faster. I feel like you're luxuriating in a lot of unnecessary details. You could easily condense the first ten pages to get to the handsome GUY (Ross) sooner... I mean, this is the heart of the story, right?
As a young girl, I had a tendency to put more on my plate then I could eat... my eyes are bigger than my stomach, kind of thing. And you do exhibit some of those over indulgence qualities.
I'll just add, you can put together a sentence but you are too in love with your own writing. You need reign it in and be less self-indulgent. Right now you're alienating this reader instead of bringing her in.
It's definitely a little too prose-y here and there for my tastes but yeah, prose can be fine, but in the wrong places or too much then no, not for me.
Btw, Its and It's are not interchangeable. If anyone ever has a question about "its" vs. "it's," just "un-contract" "it's" to "it is." Should never "with malice of forethought" screw that one up again.
Btw, Tarantino needs a proofreader. I'm just sayin' ...
Mark Twain, "Truth is stranger than fiction." >>>Shakespeare? The guy who couldn't spell his own name?
My own 'fess up, is that for years, people thought I was an activist for small rodents because I always wrote "promice" instead of "promise", so I had to practise, I mean practice, I mean,..sh$t, where's the damned dictionary? Just thought I'd toss that in.
Tidbits: Shorts -- like feature length, have a beginning, middle and end. They also have a theme. I see set up, character intro, conflict, the middle, but wasn't crazy about the ending. Or lack thereof. Some sort of resolution would had been nice. JMHO. Then again, I could have missed the point.
There were like 2 or 3 lines of dialogue that were a bit OTN, but I don't think they stand out too much.
Make up your mind whether you are going to capitalize the first letter in a parenthetical or not. Sometimes you do; sometimes you do not. My utterly ignorant advice: Follow the general policy of not capitalizing.
Re character names: capitalize them the first time we meet the character and thereafter use mixed case. On the plus side, I did feel that there was a degree of skill in the writing, there was a sense of voice here which is always a bonus.
Oh hang on. Here's one of the craziest tips I've ever came across. When describing something -- pogo sticks, appearance, or what-have-yous -- stand before a mirror. If you can't mime the action or the expression, do not describe it in your script.
And with that I will stop rambling. I didn't luv it. Didn't hate it. By any means. Just needs a bit of work. Hope I've helped. Best of luck! -A
Sorry it took 10 days to respond but I had to read and re-read your advice as it detailed what I need to do better on this project and all others going forward. I've really taken your words to heart and laid down in my dark room to come up with a better script strategy. Although tough, it was truly needed.
Thank you for your willingness to share your experience as I know your time is important.
I promise to take your words of advice to make it better and make you proud .
Don't assume I'm right. It's just my opinion. Please wait for more opinions before changing anything. This is your story, don't let someone else determine how it should be told. Anyhoo --Best of Irish luck.-A
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I'm just sayin' ...
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