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Christmasville by Steven Clark - Family - Having lost his zest for life after the death of his daughter, a newly unemployed father takes a magical journey to Christmasville, where he receives the greatest gift of all--a second chance. 95 pages - pdf, format
Steven, I may not be popular saying it but... Your logline is a little bland and doesn't do justice to the script.
'four years removed' & 'newly unemployed'? It appears the drama (in the log) has been sucked out of the premise. Guy's been sacked days before Christmas and his daughter died tragically and he's still mourning her loss.
And: Bring back the previous title! Much more Christmas-y.
Btw, for those who think I'm just doing a cursory critique of title and log, I've read and commented on this script in depth and there's a gem of a story here.
Just my humble opinion, of course.
* I'm up for a blog review of this if you and Don are cool with it?
Thanks for the kind words. I know you liked this, and while this is not radically different from the version you read, there have been a few minor scene additions. I added two pages, though I was actually trying to cut it by four.
Ill think about the log and title. Another title I tossed around was Christmasville, as that has officially become the name of the place Dale visits.
And Im more than down with you reviewing this. That would be awesome!
And while Im at it, I owe a huge thanks, of course, to Libby, Dave, James, Janet, Khamanna and Colkurtz - all of your notes were extremely helpful, and made it into the rewrite.
Thanks, Col. As you know, your notes were invaluable. Please do keep a look out for the review coming soon on SS thanks to Libby and Don. The new title Ive settled on will be Christmasville, because apparently The Woodworker wasnt Christmasy enough for Libby!
Haha! Actually, I have the perfect comeback vehicle for Adam Sandler.
He might be offended at the word 'comeback'. He is still working. If you want to edit that out I'll happily delete my post. You never know, you might work with him one day.
I meant comeback in the respect that he hasnt had a big hit film in some time. I know he hasnt gone anywhere. Though I have a sneaking suspicion hes not checking my, or your, posts on this thread. If indeed he is then thats something Ill have to deal with when the time comes.
Definitely a tear jerker (your right Steven, lol) especially at the end. Kind of like a twilight zone episode where he disappears and reappears. Kind of interested to see what if they found the body lol?
I haven�t seen this but how about tackling the topic of technology vs. wooden toys? Maybe Santa�s losing business due to technology? Granted, this is probably me so take this with a pinch of salt.
Maybe play with the structure? What if you start with him in christmsville and we find out along with him as to why he�s there?
This is me spitballing. I didn�t have any problem, just thinking lol.
Hope this helps Gabe
Just catching up.
If you’re interested in reading anything of mine, ask.
“Good morning, good evening, and good night”, Truman Burbank from the Truman Show.
Definitely a knee jerker especially at the end. Kind of like a twilight zone episode where he disappears and reappears. Kind of interested to see what if they found the body lol?
I havent seen this but how about tackling the topic of technology vs. wooden toys? Maybe Santas losing business due to technology? Granted, this is probably me so take this with a pinch of salt.
Maybe play with the structure? What if you start with him in christmsville and we find out along with him as to why hes there?
This is me spitballing. I didnt have any problem, just thinking lol.
Hope this helps Gabe
Thanks for reading, Gabe. Im sure when you say knee jerker you really meant tear jerker. At least thats what I hope you meant. Nah, never thought of the wooden toy commercialism angle. I wanted to keep this as basic as possible, and Ive finally admitted to myself this needs yet another rewrite in order to streamline this and get in a few important plot points and beats.
If I start off in Christmasville Ill have to write the entire thing over! Haha. So thats not gonna happen. I think it just needs a little simplifying. The story is already there. Thanks again, Gabe!
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Christmasville (Was The Woodworker)
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