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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Family Scripts  ›  Zimbie Moderators: bert
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Surina
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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I won't. I'm busy reading. I'll post soon on my thoughts
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Sam
Posted: March 10th, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

I read up to page 14. I think the script has some real strengths and with a few more drafts I think it would be really strong.
I think one of your weaknesses is your actual writing. This may just be a symptom of an early draft but some of the action lines were a little poorly written.  In my first draft of a script, the action lines can read like a list because I'm writing what comes to mind i.e.

“A bird is singing in the tree. Kids are gathered in the shade of the tree, sitting on hay bales, some is sitting cross-legged on the grass and some leaning against the tree. All dressed in similar outfits which concludes riding boots, jodhpurs and a t-shirt. Only noticeable difference is the color of the garments.”

What can make a huge difference to an early draft is to go through and rewrite all the action lines now you know what they need to contain. So the above action could become the below action.

“Kids, dressed in their riding outfits relax on hay bales under a tree as birds sing on a perfect summers day.”

Although some of the action lines are poorly written I do think you have great skill in the beats of the scene. Every action has a point and it's not overwritten.

There are a few times when you have actions that don't belong in a screenplay so watch out for those.
“Zimbie watches the classy riders and their horses motionless. In his imagination, he sees himself as a show jumper, clearing his round. The crowd cheering loudly”.

You should take these out.

Your intro up to the bit where it jumps 6 years is very strong. You clearly identify the characters wants, weaknesses and the stories theme.
However, I feel like something more meaningful should have happened to Zimbie in the first 6 years. Something a little more personal than just watching the riders.
Bad example. He sneaks into the course at night and tries the course himself. He looks round to see  Caesar has been watching him and tells him he has talent.

Point being I think it would benefit if Zimbie had a profound, personal experience that drives his desire to be a show jumper. You don't have too, of course, you still have a really nice setup.

I think you start James' story a little too early.
Even though I seem to do it all the time in my reviews I really hate giving suggestions but I think you should show the accident that killed James' horse. You go straight into this really emotional scene and I felt like I missed an emotional build up.

You could show James on a ride then tragedy strikes, the horse gets hurt and dies.

Anyway, I read 14 pages so there are things I can't comment on like character arcs and judging your story as a whole. Hopefully, you find this even a little bit useful and someone can give you the time to read the whole thing. I think you have a really strong foundation and with some more rewrites, this will very easily improve significantly.
Best of luck with it and keep writing. If you have any questions you want to ask me then go ahead.

Sam


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Surina
Posted: March 13th, 2019, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Sam for taking time to read. I am currently busy rewriting the script, following the tips and recommendations made by FrankM during his review. I appreciate your feedback and like the suggestion of making the dream of Zimbie more personal. Hope to hear more suggestions and thoughts from you
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Surina
Posted: March 29th, 2019, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all. The newer draft is up. Would be grateful to get some feedback on it.
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