This one was really good. It had a nice mix of dialogue and action and visuals to create a cinematic experience. You didn't really tell anything that you couldn't show, and the flashbacks weren't distracting but served to further show instead of tell. I think Tom was a little too bipolar for my taste. Either he's angry or calm. A pot doesn't instantly boil over and so a person's emotions have to build steadily as well. If he's going to be slamming tables, he's got to be upset when he sits down.

I think taking out Jerry was a bit premature, despite Tom's apparent hot-headedness. He had no proof, and relaly, for all intents, he just whacked a random person for no reason other than finding his address on the internet. That's serial killer fodder there. Sure, it gave your plot what it needed to move, but I suspect there is a better way. They could see Jerry on a street corner standing around and tail him or something. Anything other than the randomness that's there.

I thought Tom's fate was appropriate. Revenge ultimately consumes and so would be his comeuppance. It's definitely a dark script. Well done.

Well...three words.  It's dark, ouch.  Not much more to say that hasn't been said.  It's not a Machinima, but you might have the beginning of a full-length feature if you feel this is something you wanna pursue.  There's always a market for a good revenge flick.  But you're gonna have to clean it up if you wanna shop it around to Lit Agents.

Best of luck.

Guys,

Thanks for the reads on Revenge.

I learned what not to do for a writing assignment. I acknowledge all the comments made in analyzing this one: Too much for a 12 page story, brutal, characters not sympathetic, dialogue a little wooden, abrupt scene time transitions, etc.

What's interesting is that I wrote two animation stories before this OWC (Cumbara and The Prince of Coal) and now that I should do it, I went in the opposite direction.

There were some noteworthy comments. Please read them as if they were glowing reviews for bad cinema.

Bert "The photo-to-drunk driver conversation is so forced I almost cringed."

Jonnyboy "...don't know if technology can make characters sodomise each other."

me "The bad guys were just a touch too bad and that's a weird thing to say since I've written  many many torturous scripts myself."

jwent6688 “Sex, murder, and…  a rusty trombone. All the qualities of great story. I can’t believe I didn’t like it.”

Dreamscale “The action you depicted is far too graphic for any medium (I’m surprised I’m saying that!)… C’mon now, you have to realize this is going way too far, right?”

Stevie “I didn’t like the nasty stuff in this one.”

AJR “Enough sodomy for the entire family”



Gary

I think this is an example of plot trying to rule out over character. We basically have complete bad guys doing very bad things and good guys dealing with "the revenge" issue.

Of course, this is a story that is replayed again and again and so in order for us to make a "new" and fresh story out of the revenge scenario, we need something different.

What is that "something different"? That's always the biggest question no matter what the cliche story is that we're going to try and hide and repackage.

In this case, I think we've got "the big story", but really, what's lacking is the intricate things that make the characters tick in a way that is unique to them.

We see Tom, very "written" as tough, aged and toughened by time. The hard type of cast one can get. From his age and lack of tears at the graveside to his dialogue:

TOM
I got news for you buddy boy.
Revenge is for the living.

and

No one gives a shit about dead pervs or dead drunks. Buck up, boy!

TOM
I'm glad I did it! No regrets. At
least, I did something for Kate.

**His dialogue feels so forced in order to paint him in this light, but I guess what we really need is "time". Time to learn why Tom is like this.

A good chunk of the story focuses on the act of the aggression of the bad guys and yet the story lies in the theme of revenge and what it means to seek it.

I don't know. It's like a little secret mystery that's so clear and yet so vague of what transforms the feeling of a story from forced to legitimate, plausible and real.

In this case, logic tells us we should feel sorry for Kate, but again, the violence is overriding on the character. All we know is that Kate was an up and coming star making her debut and she was killed in her prime. I guess we just need more time to get to know her.

One small detail:

They both gaze at a picture frame on the nearby table.

It should be picture and What of?

The intention behind this story is a good one.

Sandra

You were aiming for something big here and for me, it didn't quite come off. It does feel like a longer script and could work if you rewrite it and give yourself as much pages as you need.

It was very dark and disturbing, but I'm okay with that. I don't think there was any doubt that this would never translate to Moviestorm.

I would also agree that most of the dialogue felt forced and awkward and should be looked at if you decide to rewrite.

Anyway, good effort. Could be a good short if you give yourself a few more pages to flesh out your characters.

Brian