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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Scottish Lullaby - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Angry Bear
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  Author    Scottish Lullaby - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 5037 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is an excellent read and in my opinion will be tough to beat.

What I'd like to see is your logline nailed a tad more and also, I'm not sure if we couldn't do something with the title to make it more intriguing, although I know that could be worked out with images.

I'm very proud to have read this solid piece of work.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
Well, I'm happy to report that this is easily the best of the bunch so far.

You've actually crafted a story and given your characters some life.  It's apparent that some thought went into this, and that's great to see.

Now, the not so great news...the actual writing isn't very good.  Very awkward for the most part.  Lots of passive phrases.  Missing punctuation (periods, mostly, which is rare).  You have a repeated Slug and several characters are intro'd more than once.

I'm not 100% sure exactly what's supposed to be going on, nor am I sure you need all these characters, but it's a good effort for a week's time.


Just going over some of the comments. I completely agree with you, Jeff. Anymore as good as this and it will be really hard for me to determine who I would choose.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Poetic, intriguing, mysterious.

This has got the heart of something. It taps into that mythological vibe in some way...it's got that abstract quality where you're not quite sure what's really going on but you want to re-visit it to find out.

Nice juxtaposition of Industry and Historic. You've clearly got the mindset for this sort of thing.

Some potentially memorable characters with a little tweaking.

Strong visuals.

Cons

Opening scene with the Doctor seems unecessary. Think we can just see him talking with Dougal and make our own minds up. Then again...the concept adds something to the mix...

Didn't really get the singing/deal part. Felt slightly at odds with the sacrifical mythology thing going on....sometihng else that needs strengthening.

Slightly unfocussed through line, but nothing that can't be tidied up, I don't think.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  February 26th, 2011, 8:17pm
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Ryan1
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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This script was slow going, and I found my attention wandering at times.  It began to speed up after we learn of the deal between the mother and the old woman.  I wish we had more detail as to when and where Mrs. Crockett struck this bargain.  

If she had a voice that pristine, why are they all living in a tenement apartment?

I think you could have used Dougal more effectively.  He's a creepy presence, sort of reminded me of the well girl from The Ring.  But once he shows up, he doesn't do much.

I liked the ending, as nothing is more horrifying than a mother murdering her own kid.

So, I think this has some flaws that need fixing, but I enjoyed the menacing undertone of the script.
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wonkavite
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Until the end, this was one of my favorite scripts for the OWC.

Interesting characters, coupled with solid writing and format.  Was curious as to what Dougal actually was, and what was the mother's part in the mystery.

But the ending just left me confused, and unsure of what actually happened.  

More detail is definitely called for - What was the arrangement, why was the sacrifice necessary?  And what mythos did this script borrow from?  In order to give this promising script a satisfactory ending, these are things that we need to know...!
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c m hall
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

I love that you bring Charles Bonnet syndrome into this.
Also,  I love the things that don't make sense -- like Mr. Crockett's first name being visible but still we don't know what it is.
I think this script is cleverly written and needs to be filmed with emphasis on the oddness, the alternate reality aspect.
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BryMo
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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I don't get a "horror" feel from this, but it's especially creepy. Its a mixed feel between the odd, the mysterious with an abstract approach to it.

In terms of story, think Dougal could be used more to complete the story and I wasn't exactly at peace with the ending. A few more small touches and this will be a perfect script.

Anyway, congratulations on a great story!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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For a OWC this isn't too bad. I agree with most of the above as far as format (missing puncuation, the line gap in dialog, page 1 on page 1, no FADE IN/OUT and  one instance where The Crocketts were the crocketts) I didn't love the piece, bu I didn't hate it. I liked some of the backstory woven in, that was a nice touch. I'm fine with the title, but ---there's a better one in the crux of the story. "The Hills Do Not Forget".

That's what I would have named it anyway.

By the way, there is something that other folks haven't addressed yet, but maybe they leftt something for me to say. Here goes...

Why is some bits of dialog in italics? Not just one word. Several. Some even with the same character's speech. The idea is to underscore for effect- but to do so sparingly.

=SPOILERS R US=

Some of the above don't think this is horror. I disagree. This is a bit more closer to psychological horror, and a mother killing her own child is a horror all by itself.


Cheers with a pint
-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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LC
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Oh, this is real horror imo. We're just too darn' used to having the blood thrown in our faces and limbs flying. Final scene is a corker. Not going to comment on format cause in a week tis all too easy to make mistakes. I too wonder about the need for the Doc. but maybe I'm missing something?

Few tweaks this will be great. Atmospheric and extremely well written. Well done writer!


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dn061903
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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I had difficulty deciphering some of the stuff going on here.  I think I got it, but it took a couple of reads.  

It was well written and interesting, but imo Mrs. Crockett's motivation needed to be explained a little more clearly.  
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shootingduck
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Dr. Alastair turned out to be a useless character.  Which means that the first 3 pages of your script could have been put to better use, since all of the same info given in those pages can be surmised from later scenes.  I also found no significance in the fact that he was seeing creatures as well as the imaginary friend.  I also might have missed the significance of Dougal...  Unless he was supposed to be a spirit trying to warn Kyle that his mother was going to sacrifice him?  The nightclub scene came out of leftfield.  Up until that point, I was picturing Mrs. Crockett as a homebody, "clinging to her faded beauty" and hiding the bottle, then suddenly she's singing in a club.  It was a weird transition.

I definitely liked the ending.  You created tension and like how she sings to the boy a sweet lullaby while committing such a heinous act.  It made me wish that the set up had been as strong as the finish.  With some touch ups and rewrites this could be a pretty strong, thought provoking piece.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from shootingduck

I definitely liked the ending.  You created tension and like how she sings to the boy a sweet lullaby while committing such a heinous act.  It made me wish that the set up had been as strong as the finish.  With some touch ups and rewrites this could be a pretty strong, thought provoking piece.


It really was. This piece was so memorable for me as was Bean Sidhe.

There were a few of the other ones that were well written that felt like cheap rip-offs to me. These ones felt like hard work and creativity were the driving force that personally had been earned and felt by the authors. They may have had some flaws, but they made up for it in soul.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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From what I got, a boy has an appointment to be sacrificed to the bogs. Knowing this, his mother plans to sacrifice his imaginary friend instead, but the bog gods are not amused and requires his mother to drown him, still wearing his glasses.

Somewhat disturbing, as it echoes the case of Andrea Yates, the mother who drowned all her children in Texas some years back, also because God told her too.

Not really clear on what is going on other than this, however I thought it was quite creepy, more so for me because of the Andrea Yates connection.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Blakkwolfe
From what I got, a boy has an appointment to be sacrificed to the bogs. Knowing this, his mother plans to sacrifice his imaginary friend instead, but the bog gods are not amused and requires his mother to drown him, still wearing his glasses.

Somewhat disturbing, as it echoes the case of Andrea Yates, the mother who drowned all her children in Texas some years back, also because God told her too.

Not really clear on what is going on other than this, however I thought it was quite creepy, more so for me because of the Andrea Yates connection.


I didn't know this, Blakkwolfe,

I wonder if the author does. How often have we heard this kind of thing though. This guy in Canada, (can't remember where) like he hacked a guy's head on a Greyhound bus-- because God told him to do so.

Why we writers spend so much time on this kind of thing I think proves how we have, as mankind, been placed in a very mind-smashing position between good and evil. And what becomes of it all? I do believe "something" does become of it all, but it sure as Hell doesn't make it any easier.

I'll have to google the story now.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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reuel51
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Very poetic in your action and descriptions. It sort of fit, but a tad too much at times.

I was following the story, but I wasn't all that interested until the old lady made the boy sit in the river. Very good ending; creepy. Somehow if you could build the tension a little more leading up to your ending, this would be very strong. Nice effort.


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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