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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  An Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC - WINNER! Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    An Bean Sidhe - Feb 2011 OWC - WINNER!  (currently 4617 views)
bert
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Kicking up one of the cellar dwellers from the bottom, and pleased to report to the author that it really doesn't belong there.  Not bad at all.

The opening scene, however, plays out kind of lame and forced.  This scene could probably even be cut, as the scene that follows is a better opener to me.  We could easily have a little conversation as Christian and Lorraine walk down the road and meet them at that point, once you have set the scene with the TV crew.

My main concern with this script may not even be a problem, but would a violin bow even do that?  If it does, that is pretty cool.  I had no idea.  But if it doesn't you have a pretty big problem with the central conceit of this story.

You do the subtitles wrong.  Do a little research around here on how to do that correctly.

I would also cut the part with the cell phone.  I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.  I mean, who would she even call if it were working?  Especially when you have this Tadhg guy place a call only moments later.  I would have no scenes with phones.  We can fill in those blanks ourselves.

You have a nice creep factor here, a nice turnabout, and capable use of the mythology with an authentic ethnic feel.  "Craic", following a google, is one of my new favorite words.  Solid work for this challenge.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from bert
Kicking up one of the cellar dwellers from the bottom, and pleased to report to the author that it really doesn't belong there.  Not bad at all.

The opening scene, however, plays out kind of lame and forced.  This scene could probably even be cut, as the scene that follows is a better opener to me.  We could easily have a little conversation as Christian and Lorraine walk down the road and meet them at that point, once you have set the scene with the TV crew.

My main concern with this script may not even be a problem, but would a violin bow even do that?  If it does, that is pretty cool.  I had no idea.  But if it doesn't you have a pretty big problem with the central conceit of this story.

You do the subtitles wrong.  Do a little research around here on how to do that correctly.

I would also cut the part with the cell phone.  I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.  I mean, who would she even call if it were working?  Especially when you have this Tadhg guy place a call only moments later.  I would have no scenes with phones.  We can fill in those blanks ourselves.

You have a nice creep factor here, a nice turnabout, and capable use of the mythology with an authentic ethnic feel.  "Craic", following a google, is one of my new favorite words.  Solid work for this challenge.


It was one of the better ones. Bert, what do you mean:

I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.

They do? I'm missing the point. Why do they do that? To show that it's modern day? I'm guessing. Well, I've just learned something new.

I've often question what modern "things" to show a script is modern, but that can get difficult. Especially if you're writing about teenagers and your own teenagers are in their twenties. I mean, some things are typical, the texting etc... but there's a whole lot more to the game in the dialogue, the dress... (all outside of and on top of character).

It would be interesting after the challenge, to see some of the problems writers have encountered when faced with the fact that technology would ruin their plot.

In this story, the violin had me wondering, too. Would that work? If it's not possible, then perhaps the writer can fabricate some kind of equipment that does the same thing.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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bert
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Bert, what do you mean:

I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.

They do? I'm missing the point. Why do they do that? To show that it's modern day?


No, Sandra -- maybe you do not watch enough horror to know what I mean.

Back in the day, it was enough to just have a psycho-killer pursuing teenagers.

But today, it seems that every single horror movie must have a scene where somebody pulls out their cell phone for no other reason than to utter the line, "SH*T!  No signal!  Now what do we do?"

It is just a problem writers today have to face that they did not have to worry about not so long ago.

My point in this script is that scene isn't even necessary anyway.

If a monster is on your ass, calling the cops even a few miles away is not going to do you any good even if you do have service.

Sometimes it is easier just to ignore the whole phone issue as opposed to writing the now-obligatory "no signal" scene.


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bert
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Took me a while to find it, Sandra, but this should explain better:




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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from bert
Took me a while to find it, Sandra, but this should explain better:




Wow!   How about:

Oh my God, Google's down!

Or,

My twitter won't tweet!

It's really funny though because in the old days, cell phones didn't exist and allz that they needed was a remote location without phone service.

Sandra



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Pros

Interesting twist on the Boy who cried Wolf theme.

Bold and innovative use of the Bean Sidhe. Vaguely reminded me of Kung Fu Hustle with the way she plays the telephone wires.

Nice setting, tone and atmosphere.

Cons

Almost too much going on in a short time. Think it would be better more refined...something that's probably an easy fix.

Really interesting approach.
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shootingduck
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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The TV crew was virtually useless.  They were only there to provide the reader/viewer with some exposition which would have been more meaningful had it come from the main characters.  Perhaps your three main characters, Lorraine, Christian and Tadhg could have actually been the camera crew...  The way it is, I think there are too many characters, and not enough screen time for the few that are the most relevant.

One thing story wise I didn't get...  why does the banshee's howl only effect Mike at one point?  I thought he was alone when his ears started bleeding because no one else was afflicted, but then someone rushed to aid him.  Didn't make sense.  The spatial relation of the characters was off at times and it made the read a bit clunky and confusing.

Overall not a bad script, but it could definitely be tightened up.  As others above have said, it took a little while to get to the action.  That could be due in part to the overabundance of characters.
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Eoin
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. I wasn't going to enter this OWC as horror isn't really my thing and I had to work late all week. Yeah, i kno, excuses, excuses . . . But, given the Celtic Mythology theme and an idea that was buring in the back of my head I decided to take a crack at this on Friday. I wish I had more time (who doesn't) to polish it before I submitted my entry, but, ce la vie.

ED, Sandra & Bert:

For all of you wondering if a violin bow can make that sound on a telephone wire, the answer is . . . . YES.

Deamscale & Bert:

A few comment were made regarding the subtitles. While this is certainly not the most common way of doing it, the format is correct according to the Screenwriters Bible. Parallel Dialog. I used it because the Irish words were important to me.

(NOTE: THE DIALOG IN THIS SCENE IS SPOKEN IN IRISH AND IS SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH.)

That just didn't cut it for me, plus it's another line crammed in an already cluttered script.

Dreamscale & ED:

If the format seems squashed, it probably because I didn't have to time to cut out as much as I wanted to. Even though I have Celtx downloaded, I have never used it. I wrote a macro for MS Word after reading Cole and Hagg and that's what I'ev used for the 3 shorts I've posted. Maybe it's time to invest in some proper software . . . or take some screenwriting classes.

Ryan & Keaton:

As for the questions about the family angle. A Banshee is the spirit of a dead keening woman. At Irish wakes (funnerals) professional keeners were paid to cry, making the deceased look important and missed. A Banshee is a foreteller of death who only haunts specific Irish familys, usually with the name Mac or Mc, meaning son of. I'm not going to cut that from the story, it's central to the mythos.

Bert & Sandra:

Yeah, that mobile phone (cell phone) scene. Was a bit tongue in cheek, will be cutting that. Funnily enough, phone reception in Ireland can be bizzare. On certain networks in remote parts of the country you can have no signal, while your friend on another network could have all bars lighting up. Anyway, I digress.

Keaton: It's definitely An Bean Sidhe - one of us speaks some Gaeilge

Sandra:

Didn't think the Saint Christopher's medal was cliche, the phone yeah, but not the medal. If it was a cross, I'd agree with you. Not that I'm a fan of horror, but are there any you know of where someone always produces a holy medal?? Besides, there is also of significance attached to it.
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Eoin
Posted: October 13th, 2013, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 13th, 2013, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Well done Eoin.

When you going to write something else?


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Eoin
Posted: October 14th, 2013, 4:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Well done Eoin.

When you going to write something else?


Thanks Bill.

Been reading more than writing lately. Lots of other stuff on my plate. Must get back to a feature that I had planned on finishing an age ago!

Kind Regards,

Eoin
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Don
Posted: October 14th, 2013, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Group hug for Eoin!  

This year's winner of the 2013 Golden Blaster award for script writing was awarded to Eoin O'Sullivan for his work "An Bean Sidhe"

Check it at OctoCon!


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 14th, 2013, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Eoin,

Good stuff.  Keep up the good work.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2013, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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Comhghairdeas Eoin!

Mark


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RayW
Posted: October 15th, 2013, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations, Eion!

When can we see the movie?! Hurry, hurry! Chop, Chop! Grab your friends and a cell phone! Make your director's debut - or - get pimpin' that thaaaaaang!




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