An Bean Sidhe by Eoin O' Sullivan (eoin) - Short - A young man who haunts a village with renditions of a Banshee slowly begins to see and hear the real thing.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

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This year's winner of the 2013 Golden Blaster award for script writing was awarded to Eoin O'Sullivan for his work "An Bean Sidhe" - Check it at OctoCon

Note to self...don't ever make fun of the Bean Sidhe.  I liked the idea here. I wasn't sure what Christian was doing when he went up the tree...I thought he was going to play her a song.  LOL.  That was a good reveal.  

There were a few odd moments though.  When they met Tadhg it just felt like there should have been more of a reaction...even though they knew him.  This would have been a good place to add some tension.  It's dark, they see someone approaching...something like that.  And I think you need a little set up before we see Lorraine and Christian on their walk.  Maybe him trying to convince her to go.  She doesn't want to go out in the dark, maybe because of the Banshee rumors.  We see them in the garage and then next scene they're walking with a napsack.  It just seemed like a jump.  

But all in all, this was an entertaining and easy read.

This is an effective concept, set in a good location, that uses a strong bad guy and an effective twist. The formatting is a little off, and the story might take a little long to get going and have a few surplus characters early on.

These are notes I made as I read:

I know the title is a Celtic thing, but “An Bean” might make other people think this is a vegetarian meal!

Pg 1 – “LORRAINE KELLY” – I believe she’s a famous British TV presenter, so another name might be better.

You’ve got a tense start and set up a mystery.

Pg 2 – “HEADSTONES and CELTIC CROSSES” – I’m not sure these need to be capitalized.

I might be wrong, but I’m seeing some quite tight line spacing.

Pg 5 – The apparent hoax element of this works well. It’s taken a little while to set this up, but it now feels like the story is moving along.

Pg 8 – The Banshee’s a good chilling enemy.

Pg 10 – The story concludes and wraps up with some effective conflict.


Philip

Hi, Bob

Don't need to start the first page with the title that's on the title page. Juno?
Also, don't need the quotation marks.
And certainly not an underline, unless you want to make it bold and in fifty-five point helvetica with, what was it? macaroni? glued to it? And glitter, too.
Then quotations and an underline are fine.
Otherwise, all caps alone is fine.  

Story kinda jumps around a bit.
And it does start off rather slow, but I understand building tension is important, so maybe that's my problem.
I failed to understand how the two story lines worked together.
Dialog's a little dry, but okay.
Action sequences are decent.

GL!

I liked it * the premise of a boy pulling a joke and having to deal with the real thing goes back to the wolf and the boy * the writing had a something-something to it – good use of different verbs * I liked the tension build up on this one

Good job here. Very eerie. It sets the tone nicely.

The visuals are great. Especially when the young woman drifts down the street in a cloud of fog and a burning tree behind her.

The ending, with the hair brush in Christians bed and the wailing, nice touch. For me, this was one fo the better reads for sure.

James

Concept-wise and story-wise, this is well done and well put together.  But the actual writing is what not only sinks this, but also makes it a VERY TOUGH chug.

Here's the deal...

As someone already pointed out, it appears like your screenwriting software has some issues.  Everything seems crammed together...visually daunting and a hard read.

You've got so many tiny scenes inter cutting back and forth, it gives a feel like I can never settle into any single scene.  Let's look at this closer...

I think you have roughly 32 scenes here in 10 pages, meaning, roughly 20 seconds per scene...that's alot!  You also have numerous inserts, meaning on average, each scene or insert is onscreen less than 15 seconds, many of which are literally a few seconds.  It's not a comfortable read and wouldn't be an enjoyable view either, because of this.

Basically, there's just way too much going on, and too many characters for a 10 page short, IMO.

When the banshee talks, you use a double dialogue box to show subtitles of what's being said.  That's incorrect and again, something that really slows the read down and takes me out of the events going on.

There a bunch of typos/mistakes/missing words, missing punctuation that also makes the read harder than it needs to be.

I had alot of issues with your action writing, as well.  It just seems like there isn't enough detail or something's missing.  For instance, in the finale, things don't come off as realistic, people appear, disappear too easily and without explanation.  hard to put this down in writing so that I'm being clear, without going into great detail, but it's something that I felt as I was reading and it didn't work for me.

I like your story here.  It's well thought out and put together.  I even like your 2 main characters, as well as the banshee.  The dialogue is better than most and shows either a knowledge of the area or some much appreciated research.

As it is now, though, it needs alot of attention and cleaning up.  I think you need to lose some of the unimportant characters, get rid of a bunch of scenes that aren't necessary, and concentrate on the central story, which is your strong suit here.

Congrats on a nice OWC entry!

This effort is one of the better attempts at the mythology.
The domino graveyard was unintentionally chuckle worthy.
I definitely would have enjoyed this more sans the television crew.
The idea of playing a telephone line was oddly believable.
Everything felt too rushed and dense, constipated pages.
The scenes were tripping over themselves to get to the next one.
I'd like to see this writer meditate on a simple visual concept and keep it lean.

E.D.

I think i liked the concept of this story more than its execution.  This idea of a guy pulling a banshee hoax is a great one.  And then he has to face the real thing.  Very nice.

You had some good lines (Katy Perry without the autotune) and visuals (the Banshee floating down from the burning tree)

I wish I knew more about the McCarthy family connection to the banshee.  Seemed a little vague.

On page 5, I'm not sure how a telephone line "meanders drunkenly."

Didn't understand why the girl's cell phone had no service, but Tadgh was able to use his phone no problem.

Anyway, this was an imaginative entry.  Just think it needs a bit more depth and polish.

The young, promising power hitter steps up to the plate. The pitch...a deep drive, way back...!

I had the feeling early that this could be a home run. But I'd say...off the wall, the runner is rounding second...

The setting was very good, the concept excellent, the characters were solid if not quite developed yet. But it got a little tougher to read as it went on, though should be easy to fix that. Some things just left me confused, but I think they are all things that would be fixed in rewrite.

--lamp you? I don't know what that means.

--p. 2 confused me; were they walking together? opposite directions? Tadghe just popped in out of no where and I couldn't tell. I reread several times to make sure, which slowed me down. I think they were just crossing paths on the road. Maybe I'm too slow on the uptake to grasp that right away, but assume there are others slow like me reading this.

The inserts seemed like an unnecessary distraction.

"An old telephone
line meanders drunkenly by the roadside."
--someone will hate you for that line, but I liked it. Original, paints the perfect picture efficiently.

--does that trick work with violin string? If so, gonna try it this weekend. Hope I don't get confused and hit the power line.

"Carthaigh, your linage who would
not pay a keening woman and had
me starve. Mock me more."
--if you created that explanation for the legend, I think that's pretty cool, plausible.

--the BAnshea learned from his telephone wire trick, exploited it with her own power. Nice job of expanding, modernizing the legend, which I think I recall being something the challenge hoped for.

--when Christian stumbled over the rotting foot, I thought it was Lorraine...probably because he thought it was Lorraine. I know, how could it be rotting? Well, that kind of stuff happens in these stories. But it led to confusion for me when she woke up from her trance. I know, my slowness again, but someone else probably made the same mistake.

So I think this was not hit out of the park, but the runner is in scoring position. Should score on the rewrite! Good, solid work.

p6 - that's where I first see The Young Woman - I didn't see you introduce her to us properly though. Wondering if I missed it. No description either.
p8 I wonder if you have to give us SUBTITLE like that. Maybe you do but asks someone who knows.

You let us believe he's dead at first - that's really good.

I liked the tale, very creepy and an exciting read.

The idea behind this story is good. Thou shall not prank a Banshee.

I really liked:

An old telephone line meanders drunkenly by the roadside.

Because it really gave me that old image of the old telephone lines.

Here:

EXT. BOG - NIGHT

CHRISTIAN
Make it stop. Blood trickles down his neck and from his eyes.

*There’s no visual cues to begin the scene.

I think this one suffered from coarse language that never added anything to the story.

The old guy with the St. Christopher was far too cliche. It needed something here to make it unique.

Early on, I wasn't sure if Christian was a guy or a girl.

At the end, he produces a silver hairbrush and I didn't get it. I had to go back and re-read to find it. Still, it didn't make sense to me.

I do like the concept though. It just needs work.

Sandra

Very good atmosphere in this one - I'm guessing the writer is English or Irish? They seem to know the real details of the old legends.

Jeff commented on the unusual 'look' of the script, but it didn't really bother me.

Yeah, one of the better ones, used the mytholgy quite well.

Very good story, great atmosphere, good characters.  The dialogue conveys a great deal of information, maybe enough to give the background information needed .  I don't know how this would work as a short film, you'd want the audience to enter this world slowly, enjoy the richness of the tale.

Wouldn't it me 'A Bean Sidhe'?

Not a fan of beginning a scene with dialog. This is a visual medium, tell us what we are seeing first.

What's with folks breaking their dialog across the page. Don't do it or at least follow the conventions if you have to.

Fade Out goes on the other side and no need for 'End'.

Interesting, with a some modification it could be filmed on a short budget. I think you might want to lose the family angle and just keep the banshee mad at his mocking.

Kicking up one of the cellar dwellers from the bottom, and pleased to report to the author that it really doesn't belong there.  Not bad at all.

The opening scene, however, plays out kind of lame and forced.  This scene could probably even be cut, as the scene that follows is a better opener to me.  We could easily have a little conversation as Christian and Lorraine walk down the road and meet them at that point, once you have set the scene with the TV crew.

My main concern with this script may not even be a problem, but would a violin bow even do that?  If it does, that is pretty cool.  I had no idea.  But if it doesn't you have a pretty big problem with the central conceit of this story.

You do the subtitles wrong.  Do a little research around here on how to do that correctly.

I would also cut the part with the cell phone.  I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.  I mean, who would she even call if it were working?  Especially when you have this Tadhg guy place a call only moments later.  I would have no scenes with phones.  We can fill in those blanks ourselves.

You have a nice creep factor here, a nice turnabout, and capable use of the mythology with an authentic ethnic feel.  "Craic", following a google, is one of my new favorite words.  Solid work for this challenge.

Quoted from bert Kicking up one of the cellar dwellers from the bottom, and pleased to report to the author that it really doesn't belong there.  Not bad at all. The opening scene, however, plays out kind of lame and forced.  This scene could probably even be cut, as the scene that follows is a better opener to me.  We could easily have a little conversation as Christian and Lorraine walk down the road and meet them at that point, once you have set the scene with the TV crew. My main concern with this script may not even be a problem, but would a violin bow even do that?  If it does, that is pretty cool.  I had no idea.  But if it doesn't you have a pretty big problem with the central conceit of this story. You do the subtitles wrong.  Do a little research around here on how to do that correctly. I would also cut the part with the cell phone.  I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.  I mean, who would she even call if it were working?  Especially when you have this Tadhg guy place a call only moments later.  I would have no scenes with phones.  We can fill in those blanks ourselves. You have a nice creep factor here, a nice turnabout, and capable use of the mythology with an authentic ethnic feel.  "Craic", following a google, is one of my new favorite words.  Solid work for this challenge.

It was one of the better ones. Bert, what do you mean:

I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene.

They do? I'm missing the point. Why do they do that? To show that it's modern day? I'm guessing. Well, I've just learned something new.

I've often question what modern "things" to show a script is modern, but that can get difficult. Especially if you're writing about teenagers and your own teenagers are in their twenties. I mean, some things are typical, the texting etc... but there's a whole lot more to the game in the dialogue, the dress... (all outside of and on top of character).

It would be interesting after the challenge, to see some of the problems writers have encountered when faced with the fact that technology would ruin their plot.

In this story, the violin had me wondering, too. Would that work? If it's not possible, then perhaps the writer can fabricate some kind of equipment that does the same thing.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Bert, what do you mean: I hate the way every modern horror script feels they must include that obligatory scene. They do? I'm missing the point. Why do they do that? To show that it's modern day?

No, Sandra -- maybe you do not watch enough horror to know what I mean.

Back in the day, it was enough to just have a psycho-killer pursuing teenagers.

But today, it seems that every single horror movie must have a scene where somebody pulls out their cell phone for no other reason than to utter the line, "SH*T!  No signal!  Now what do we do?"

It is just a problem writers today have to face that they did not have to worry about not so long ago.

My point in this script is that scene isn't even necessary anyway.

If a monster is on your ass, calling the cops even a few miles away is not going to do you any good even if you do have service.

Sometimes it is easier just to ignore the whole phone issue as opposed to writing the now-obligatory "no signal" scene.

Took me a while to find it, Sandra, but this should explain better:

Quoted from bert Took me a while to find it, Sandra, but this should explain better:

Wow!   How about:

Oh my God, Google's down!

Or,

My twitter won't tweet!

It's really funny though because in the old days, cell phones didn't exist and allz that they needed was a remote location without phone service.

Sandra

Pros

Interesting twist on the Boy who cried Wolf theme.

Bold and innovative use of the Bean Sidhe. Vaguely reminded me of Kung Fu Hustle with the way she plays the telephone wires.

Nice setting, tone and atmosphere.

Cons

Almost too much going on in a short time. Think it would be better more refined...something that's probably an easy fix.

Really interesting approach.

The TV crew was virtually useless.  They were only there to provide the reader/viewer with some exposition which would have been more meaningful had it come from the main characters.  Perhaps your three main characters, Lorraine, Christian and Tadhg could have actually been the camera crew...  The way it is, I think there are too many characters, and not enough screen time for the few that are the most relevant.

One thing story wise I didn't get...  why does the banshee's howl only effect Mike at one point?  I thought he was alone when his ears started bleeding because no one else was afflicted, but then someone rushed to aid him.  Didn't make sense.  The spatial relation of the characters was off at times and it made the read a bit clunky and confusing.

Overall not a bad script, but it could definitely be tightened up.  As others above have said, it took a little while to get to the action.  That could be due in part to the overabundance of characters.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. I wasn't going to enter this OWC as horror isn't really my thing and I had to work late all week. Yeah, i kno, excuses, excuses . . . But, given the Celtic Mythology theme and an idea that was buring in the back of my head I decided to take a crack at this on Friday. I wish I had more time (who doesn't) to polish it before I submitted my entry, but, ce la vie.

ED, Sandra & Bert:

For all of you wondering if a violin bow can make that sound on a telephone wire, the answer is . . . . YES.

Deamscale & Bert:

A few comment were made regarding the subtitles. While this is certainly not the most common way of doing it, the format is correct according to the Screenwriters Bible. Parallel Dialog. I used it because the Irish words were important to me.

(NOTE: THE DIALOG IN THIS SCENE IS SPOKEN IN IRISH AND IS SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH.)

That just didn't cut it for me, plus it's another line crammed in an already cluttered script.

Dreamscale & ED:

If the format seems squashed, it probably because I didn't have to time to cut out as much as I wanted to. Even though I have Celtx downloaded, I have never used it. I wrote a macro for MS Word after reading Cole and Hagg and that's what I'ev used for the 3 shorts I've posted. Maybe it's time to invest in some proper software . . . or take some screenwriting classes.

Ryan & Keaton:

As for the questions about the family angle. A Banshee is the spirit of a dead keening woman. At Irish wakes (funnerals) professional keeners were paid to cry, making the deceased look important and missed. A Banshee is a foreteller of death who only haunts specific Irish familys, usually with the name Mac or Mc, meaning son of. I'm not going to cut that from the story, it's central to the mythos.

Bert & Sandra:

Yeah, that mobile phone (cell phone) scene. Was a bit tongue in cheek, will be cutting that. Funnily enough, phone reception in Ireland can be bizzare. On certain networks in remote parts of the country you can have no signal, while your friend on another network could have all bars lighting up. Anyway, I digress.

Keaton: It's definitely An Bean Sidhe - one of us speaks some Gaeilge

Sandra:

Didn't think the Saint Christopher's medal was cliche, the phone yeah, but not the medal. If it was a cross, I'd agree with you. Not that I'm a fan of horror, but are there any you know of where someone always produces a holy medal?? Besides, there is also of significance attached to it.

Well done Eoin.

When you going to write something else?

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Well done Eoin. When you going to write something else?

Thanks Bill.

Been reading more than writing lately. Lots of other stuff on my plate. Must get back to a feature that I had planned on finishing an age ago!

Kind Regards,

Eoin

Group hug for Eoin!  

This year's winner of the 2013 Golden Blaster award for script writing was awarded to Eoin O'Sullivan for his work "An Bean Sidhe"

Check it at OctoCon!

Congrats Eoin,

Good stuff.  Keep up the good work.

Ghost

Comhghairdeas Eoin!

Mark

Congratulations, Eion!

When can we see the movie?! Hurry, hurry! Chop, Chop! Grab your friends and a cell phone! Make your director's debut - or - get pimpin' that thaaaaaang!

Thanks to Don for the group hug - haven't had one of those furry animals since therapy

Ghost, Mark & Ray - thanks for the kind wishes, much appreciated!

This one has had a few inquiries over the past 2 years, mainly from India (shrugs) but they never went anywhere, for various reasons.

I have a local producer who's interested in getting this shot, so I'm pretty hopeful that will happen.

The appeal of a cheap iPhone shoot and self direction is tempting budget wise, but the finished item, would never be something I'd dare look at, let alone show to someone else. That doesn't mean it can't be done, it would just take someone with more know how and time than me.

Kind regards,

Eoin

Great news, Eoin! The Feb 2011 OWC was not only my first OWC, but the first time I had ever really read and reviewed any scripts. Couple years later, I've read many scripts since then, and I still remember this story. So it made a strong impression. Glad to see it about to take off.

Thanks Kevin! Also my first (and only) OWC to date.

Once a current run of a play is finished, I'll be able to concentrate on writing again.

Good job, Eoin!