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Not sure why I missed this one, Stevie, though I did start losing track of what I had read late in the game. Perhaps it might have been that video game title you selected for this piece.
For me, I liked the way you cut around early in this story -- with quick snatches of scenes that contributed to the whole. I was not confused at all, and thought you handled it with a lot of skill, actually.
Once in the bar, I found Jeff and Donna mostly annoying, and while I know you did not have much space for character building, it might have been nice to give them an extra layer as opposed to just whining about stuff. Duncan was mostly enjoyable, though I agree with the others that you have him deliver a bit too much exposition. If you had the space to give him a flashback, that probably would have been cool, and then you could have been showing us things instead of having Duncan drone on about them in a monologue.
I did get a little confused during the big fight scene, and lost track of just how many Sith were actually left running around. You might consider some mini-slugs there -- using the character names -- to help break up those paragraphs into discrete chunks of action. And for me, I think you do need to at least hint at something happening to Donna in order to support what happens later.
And I have to admit that I totally did not get how Sean's ancestry had anything to do with this, but perhaps I missed something, or it is a regional thing I do not understand. But that is another aspect you could easily clarify given more space.
The final image is also a bit unclear, as he falls into an embrace of velvet flesh and "the waters take him." What does that stuff even mean? There you are trying too hard to be fancy and you fail to give us anything visual that we can actually use.
I liked this, and while you have a nice actioner that makes very good use of the myths, you have also got lots to build upon here should you ever decide to return for a rewrite. You should make a note to return to it sometime when you are not writing on something else.
Apologies guys. My net has been down for a week and I'm doing this from the library. Will be back on deck asap
Cheers for the read Bert and helpful comments
When I can write properly on my keyboard will answer in more detail
Yeah, my net came bacl on all of a sudden - no reasoning behind it. I'm changing providers as the service in my area with wireless is shit anyway.
Some answers for your review bert: I'm glad you saw what I was trying for with the quick cuts. I really wanted to make it a unique sort of scene and had to really work it all out before I wrote it. I would've loved to show a flashback with Dunc's experiences as a boy fighting the Sith, but as you say, it would've added too many pages to what was already fairly long. I'mm loathe to re-write this inot something longer, as I feel it moves away from the initial inspiration and corridor of the challenge. If someone wanted to film it, then of course I would make changes.
The ending? And the link between Sean and the Sith. There's nonne really, only in him being descended from the Glengarry McDonells. I was trying to be a bit fancy, in having this ethereal, vague moody ending - I was hinting that perhaps it was Sean's destiny to 'come home' and be taken back by the Sith. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure myself when i wrote it - at the time it read bettter than the alternate which would be Sean and Jeff staggering out into the sunlight from the pub, while the camera rose up and back!!
Anyway I might go back to it one day. Thanks again for the read!!