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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Imposter - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Imposter - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 2870 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Imposter by Henri Sanson - Short - A couples camping trip takes a frightening turn when a manic stranger turns up with a tall tale of murder and a killer who he believes was him.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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RayW
Posted: February 27th, 2011, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Henri

Don't underline your title.
Gotta loose the scene numbers for spec scripts.
Begin with a superfluous FADE IN:.

               ANGIE
     We could take some leaves and twigs
     with us, sprinkle them around the
     room.  I'll even take a shit in the
     corner to give it that authentic
     woodland musk if you like!

LMAO! I like Angie already.
I think I've dated her a few times in a previous life.
Girl camping. Boy camping. Ain't even the same thing. On with the story...

Pg 2 - Er, no babe!
This, "tyre" and a couple arguing make me think of Ren.

Pg 9 - Creepiness at the top of the page!

Bangs at the door.
Angie opens it immediately.

LOL! Yep! I've dated Angie before. Always a stickler for security measures.  

Alrighty, now!
That was pretty good.
A few little typos to clean up and yerr good to go!

The mythology in effect here is a little shaky on me, but... who cares? It was great.
Scary stuff, ferr shur.



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Pros

First Doppleganger script I've seen and it was a good one.

Creepy, lots of potential.

Cons

Slightly talky....replace most of the opening chatter with more suspense building stuff, use the doplleganger theme a bit more (reflections etc) and maybe try and get a few more little twists and turns in the space.  

Overall an enjoyable little script, you did a good job.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  February 28th, 2011, 8:19am
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wannabe
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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This was pretty cool.  The only part that really made me scratch my head was their reaction when Olly said all of his friends were dead.  I don't know.  I think people would be a bit more freaked out about that.  Entertaining though.  And good writing, I breezed right through it.

I think it might benefit from a little more action and less dialog.  Pg. 1 and 2 there is a lot of cute banter but after a while it doesn't do anything to push your story forward.  Just a suggestion.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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First off I liked the dialogue. Some of it had such a real feel to it like this:

ANGIE
What's the damage, jungle man?

DES
Flat on the rear drivers side. How
long did you say your dad's had this abomination?

ANGIE
Little over a year is what he told
me. Only ever taken it out once though, far as I'm aware.

DES
Once?! What was the point buying
it?

ANGIE
I think he just got excited about
retiring and thought he'd do all this travelling and that, but then realised he couldn't be arsed with all the fuss!

Poor Des, felt sorry he was pretty whipped.  

I think you did a lovely job with this. It was a neat little Imposter story and the title fits.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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This story starts off with a drama like domestic row which takes some time to play out. The horror sequence that follows works fairly well, although I wonder if you could get more tension and horror out of it by letting situations develop a bit and letting the audience stew in them for a little longer.

These are notes I made as I read:

Pg 1 – Without reading a word I notice you don’t have a “FADE IN:” and you do have scene numbers, both of which are probably not good in spec scripts.

Pg 2 – You got your characters straight into an energetic row, so it’s got conflict.

Pg 3 – “Someone hidden” – If we are going to see this character on screen then it seems like they should have a capitalized intro.

Pg 5 – The action is moving along now. As things stand this feels like a drama for me, rather than a horror.

Pg 6 – Olly’s story is a bit chilling, however I wonder if it would be something that we could see on screen instead of being told about it?

Pg 9 – Solid twist.

Pg 10 – “Des drops to his knees.” – Seems like an odd thing to do when you know you are in danger.


Philip


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grademan
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Impostor * you spell it impostor, I spell it imposter * I liked it * even though I knew the guy was an imposter I fell for the oldest trick in horror writing * good twist nicely done * the voice thing was cool and easy to understand * I could hear the stones singing angie in the background * damn good doppleganger * done as a continuous story rather than jumping locations
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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written. Nice concept with the Doppleganger that adopts others' forms, though been done before by aliens and demons in the cinema.

Story started to lose me when they did not call the police, agreed to tie him up based on his story. I just couldn't buy that. Anyone would call the cops, unless you add another element. For example, the married couple are outlaws, don't want the police involved. Would that work for you?

Then a couple other things need to be clearer.Who opened the door at the end? How many dopplegangers are there? I know one is tied up; then there is Angie in the room. But she is dead on the bed; so who opened the door? I reread the page several times, and I am not sure if someone else popped in or what.

I don't personally have a problem with the drama vs horror thing. What is horror? Was the Sixth Sense? It seems to me there is a pretty wide range for what can be seen as horror. You have supernatural beings, killings, scary stuff. I call it horror. I have read about 30 scripts so far, I think all of them. None hit it out of the park, including this one. I don't know how the challenge works, when rewrites are allowed, but this has potential to be reworked by the author into something pretty good. This is my opinion, and if you don't like it, blame my doppleganger, he wrote it!
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jwent6688
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Good concept here. I thinkk the dialogue ran on a bit in  the beginning. I think you could've used something else to add more tension in this story. Something that foresadows things to come like the radio saying they're looking for missing campers in their area. Several deaths reported. Then they realize theyre disabled and in some bad area.

Good luck writing this one in a week.

James


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c m hall
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Good story.  For a short script, I think you give us too much dialogue, although clever dialogue, and not enough plot development.  We could have seen things happen that were only talked about and still have the mystery.
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SteveUK
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Well done with this - a good twist, and great dialogue for the most part.

It did get a little talky at times, however.  Pages 2 & 6 consist almost entirely of dialogue - try to intersperse some action lines amongst the chatter and the whole thing will read smoother.

This aside, you did a great job in just a week. Well done!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Finally, a doppelganger script in the OWC. Cheapest critter to film.
I'm more than a little surprised more scripts haven't gone this route.
So far this OWC we've had more Asian under aged porn than doppelgangers!
I saw it coming, I wasn't fooled, but you write a pretty good page.
Don't often read wives willing to defecate in hotel rooms for their husbands. Kooky.
The second half loses me, why close the door to repair the tire?
Oh, cuz if he doesn't, the coolest character can't have an off screen death. Got it.
This one wouldn't take too much to develop into a corker.

E.D.


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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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It's well written.

For me it's another slasher story albeit interesting. But basic, too straight forward and easy.

There's no cause and effect, they were having a regular day and then bam. The twist - she's an impostor - she never was actually it's the spirit that killed her became her. That part is interesting but is not actually a twist. It's okay not to have one though.

All I'm saying that although very interesing with fun visuals and all it's what it is - something comeing onto someone out of nowhere and it's horrific.
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jnave
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Nice story.  The opening dialog was good, but it could have been trimmed a bit (took up 20% of the script).  

A few typos, format issues (as noted in others' comments), but nothing that distracted me too much.  Good suspense.  Nice writing - very easy to read.

I enjoyed it.  Good job.


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Eoin
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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The good old stranded because they ran out of fuel, tyre went flat, engine packed up type of thing. Okay, let's see where this goes . . .

So, why didn't they change the flat tyre??

The dialouge seems to be crass just for the sake of and not in line with these characters. Would Angie really say that? I doubt it.

Too many exclaimation marks, okay!

By page 3 the dialouge is OTT and just doesn't make this believable or natural sounding in the slightest.

6 pages of dialouge. You should be into your story alot sooner. The whole exchange between Olly, Des and Angie feels incredibly forced and unnatural. If someone tackled Des out of the blue like that, he'd have a fight, flight or freeze response, not start shouting to Angie the police.

Most people undo the nuts, then jack up the tyre.

I think you had a good idea, which you could have executed in a tighter fashion. I was dissapointed you didn't have a twist. Ii think if you reworked this it make a much better story.
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