- Lose those numbers

- I might guess this was written by some one from across the pond by the excessive use of the passive voice.

- "Des grabs the knife and takes kicks the phones away from Olly." huh?

- Don't buy Olly's speech and I doubt they would let him talk so much.

- I can tell a SS person's script now, it has a 'The End'.

I like the concept, but not the execution. I actually got told that once from an agent. Which means you have a good idea, you just need to find a good way to show it. Keep at it.

*Spoilers*

Negatives: The story itself was...plain.  The dialog was somewhat stilted (and the exclamation marks were way too common!!!!!!!!!!).

But there *are* some positives to this script.  It's the only one (that I read, anyway) that covers the doppleganger concept.  And that's refreshingly different.  

The details at the end were also good - the need for the doppleganger to readjust his/her vocal cords was a nice touch, as was the way the body shifted while transforming into Angie's double.

So cheers on the OWC...with one day left to the anonymous reviews...

The banter ran a little long in the beginning, but overall this was pretty good.  

I really have nothing else to add.  I'm tired and exhausted, so good job with this.

Greg

Sorry, but I'm not going to finish this one.  Awful start with the passive first and 2nd sentence.  3rd is no gem either.

More passive verbiage, more inane banter, and then the dreaded use of the word "arse""  An Aussie, I'd say, aye?

Anyway, you totally lost me on Page 2 with Angie saying she'd "take a shit in the corner of a hotel room".  That's not funny.  It doesn't make Angie a character I want anything to do with...at all.

Sorry, but congrats on completing this OWC.

Hi, Yohn

Don't believe we've conversed much, but IMPOSTER received my third vote.

Your dialog between characters was excellent.
I completely enjoyed it and hope to see more of your work in the future.

Congratulations.


Ray

Hi all,

Thank you all for your comments and feedback.  I'll try to address all the points you raised.

Just a little on my thought process when writing this - I wanted to create a normal situation and basically have it all go horrible within the space of the script.  My theory on this was that true horror happens out of the blue, without warning, catches you off guard and confuses you.  This is what i was trying to convey.

Many of you felt the dialogue ran on too long.  I wanted the playful banter between the couple to lower your guard and give you a sense of the characters.  My thought process being that if I jumped into the horror element too soon, it wouldn't have as powerful of an effect because you hadn't spent enough time with the couple to care about them and ultimately fear for them.

Apologies about the scene numbers and lack of a FADE IN.

I agree that I have a bad habit of writing in a passive way.  This is something I need to and will knock on the head.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sorry, but I'm not going to finish this one.  Awful start with the passive first and 2nd sentence.  3rd is no gem either.

Agreed on the passive tone, but a weak excuse for not finishing the read through IMO.

Quoted from Dreamscale and then the dreaded use of the word "arse""  An Aussie, I'd say, aye?

I'm a Brit, and many of us do say 'arsed' quite a lot so I don't see what's 'dreaded' about it.

Quoted from Dreamscale Anyway, you totally lost me on Page 2 with Angie saying she'd "take a shit in the corner of a hotel room".  That's not funny.  It doesn't make Angie a character I want anything to do with...at all.

Each to their own.

Quoted from RayW Hi, Yohn Don't believe we've conversed much, but IMPOSTER received my third vote. Your dialog between characters was excellent. I completely enjoyed it and hope to see more of your work in the future. Congratulations. Ray

Cheers Ray, and congrats on your script.  Real good job mate.

I'll certainly be rewriting and resubmitting this taking onboard all the constructive feedback, and if there's any queries I missed then hopefully those will also be addressed in the rewrite.

Thanks again all.

A little random, which is not always bad.  I like the banter between the couple though I don't know that you made it very clear whether they were really full on fighting or if they were being playful.  With all the exclamations I took it as the former, though some of the lines made it feel like the latter.  Kind of confusing.

The overly repetitive, "call the cops" "no wait" scene got very redundant and really messed up the pace.  That scene needed to be way shorter and more emotional.  It was written very wooden and trite.  Why didn't she just call the first time her husband suggested it?  Because the badguy asked her not to?  It's not a very compelling reason.

I agree with the reader that said "your most interesting character's death happens off screen."  I think you also missed a good bit of gender reversing potential with that...  Angie seems like she'd be the strong woman with the "fuck this I'll do it myself" attitude.  I would have liked to see her leave her husband to stand guard over the prisoner while she went and fixed the tire, and subsequently stumbled upon the real Olly.

Hey Yohn, sorry, I didn't notice that you had responded to my feedback.

Listen, man, I'm sorry, cause I didn't mean to be a prick, but I'm sure I do come off that way quite a bit.

Everything I said is how I felt about what I read.  That line about a chick taking a shit on the floor just totally destroyed any chance this had with me.  Maybe it is just me, or maybe it's a cultural difference...I don't know.

Hope there aren't any bad feelings because of what I said and how I said it.  Sorry again.