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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Monsters - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Monsters - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3823 views)
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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This third batch of submissions seems to have a lot of good, strong writers in it...  

And Monsters is no exception.  Liked the story, liked the characters.  (One small nitpick - introduce Rohan a little earlier - it's jarring to read of him the first time on page 5.)

And I like the theme...mostly.   A part of me has trouble accepting the concept of Aiden being willing to kill his beloved, just to harden himself for the task at hand.  But as long as you accept that, the rest of the story works - and is even a bit poetic.

e-mail Reply: 15 - 24
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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I hate to say this, but a few things kept me from really getting into the story. First was the lack of proofreading you did. Second was the constant back and forth cuts. It was hard to envision this even with your meticulous writing style. Actually, meticulous wouldn�t be the word�descriptive maybe. You set up a great environment, but fell flat by the end.

You initially had me interested in where I would be by the end of this story but with little information on the beasts origins and how it's so powerful AND Aiden�s sacrifice ending up worthless left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

You have a great idea here, but I don�t think it was something that could�ve been accomplished in a week�s time. The creature�s gifts let this story become incredibly psychological but by the end it ends up being just another average kill.

This is, however, a good job for a weeks work!

Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

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Posted: March 1st, 2011, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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Very nice story.

The only thing - I didn't feel it when they started talking in prose - too poetic, melodramatic.
The theme of this is a bit melodramatic too - it's more of a romance.

But I really liked it. A lot. I think you did a very good job on transitions which is hard.
I liked the flashbacks, actually liked the story and the way it's told minus their poem in the middle. Very strong visuals.
Few characters - huge plus. And two locations.
I think you have to include Roman in the very first scene. When he suddenly appears on page 3 - it's a bit confusing. No big deal of course.
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Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:48am Report to Moderator

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This was a great story.  It kept me interested the entire time and I couldn't wait to read what was going to happen next.  

The ending struck me a little odd at first, but after some thought, I get it.  And I really dig it.  

It's a story that will stick with me for a while, which is a very impressive accomplishment.  

Sure there are spelling/grammar issues, etc, but that's secondary.  This is a well thought out, well done story.  

imo, in the top 2 stories so far.
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Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Oh Hi

San Diego, California
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While I couldn't really buy a lot of what was going on, I kinda liked what I read.  Couple things:

*The flashbacks disrupted the flow, partly because I think they could have been done a lot better.  Melissa in one place, Melissa in another, Cut To's here and there, bouncing back and forth.  It just wasn't very smooth.

*I can't buy the fact that he killed his wife so that he can kill this thing.

*A lot of typos in here that started to make me cringe as more and more came which also disrupted the flow.

But you did establish a good atmosphere and while I had my issues with this piece, I kinda liked it.  Nice work.


Site Private Message Reply: 19 - 24
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 12:08am Report to Moderator

New Zealand
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Just started reading the first half page but I'm getting called away. Will come back to comment properly, as story line sounds like it could be interesting,  but I had to say sorry just cant help myself, you know? One of the first descriptions is:

A boat crashes in the waves, or something like that. It should probably be:  

Waves crash against a boat? Because for a minute there I thought we had a crashed boat on our handsmaybe we do? I dont know.  I should have read the whole thing before commentingI know, its such a nitpick. Ok. Maybe its just me. Weird wording.

Im out.
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Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Not too bad, but a bit too wordy for me and some spelling errors to boot. I don't need to know the color of sunlight, for example. The SLUGS with DAY-CONTINUOUS are wrong. (One or the other; if it a "continuous" that means it is directly after the previous scene; we know it is already daytime.

I'm not too much into flashbacks, Aiden "still" sitting at the table when we get back to present. We have a lot of that non-activy, and while I thought this was okay for OWC, it didn't knock my socks off.

"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss :
The Art!
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Posted: March 4th, 2011, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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No go...I'm out.  SO many pitiful mistakes on just about every line.  I'm not going to subject myself to the piss poor quality of this.

Listen, I understand this may have been completed Friday night with the deadline looming, but the mistakes on display here shouldn't be present even if you're writing in a semi-coma with naked babes drooling around you.

No excuse for it...

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: March 10th, 2011, 5:33pm Report to Moderator

New Jersey, USA
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If you build on this, expand the myth, lose some of the middling streams of dialogue and use that space to create more of the decent visuals you had in the beginning this could be rewritten as a very good, very suspenseful story.  Listen to the advice in the above posts, there are a lot of good things you can take away from these comments and put toward a rewrite.
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Branzig Rubenburg
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator

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The story was different, but there were  a ton of minor gramar errors.  This ended up being a big problem throughout the script.  Revise it and the script will be better.  Keep up the good work!
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