SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 6th, 2020, 7:45am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Monsters - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Monsters - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3823 views)
wonkavite
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



*Spoilers*

This third batch of submissions seems to have a lot of good, strong writers in it...  

And Monsters is no exception.  Liked the story, liked the characters.  (One small nitpick - introduce Rohan a little earlier - it's jarring to read of him the first time on page 5.)

And I like the theme...mostly.   A part of me has trouble accepting the concept of Aiden being willing to kill his beloved, just to harden himself for the task at hand.  But as long as you accept that, the rest of the story works - and is even a bit poetic.

Cheers!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 24
BryMo
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Orlando
Posts
217
Posts Per Day
0.05
I hate to say this, but a few things kept me from really getting into the story. First was the lack of proofreading you did. Second was the constant back and forth cuts. It was hard to envision this even with your meticulous writing style. Actually, meticulous wouldn�t be the word�descriptive maybe. You set up a great environment, but fell flat by the end.

You initially had me interested in where I would be by the end of this story but with little information on the beasts origins and how it's so powerful AND Aiden�s sacrifice ending up worthless left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

You have a great idea here, but I don�t think it was something that could�ve been accomplished in a week�s time. The creature�s gifts let this story become incredibly psychological but by the end it ends up being just another average kill.

This is, however, a good job for a weeks work!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 24
khamanna
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 1:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3289
Posts Per Day
0.85
Very nice story.

The only thing - I didn't feel it when they started talking in prose - too poetic, melodramatic.
The theme of this is a bit melodramatic too - it's more of a romance.

But I really liked it. A lot. I think you did a very good job on transitions which is hard.
I liked the flashbacks, actually liked the story and the way it's told minus their poem in the middle. Very strong visuals.
Few characters - huge plus. And two locations.
I think you have to include Roman in the very first scene. When he suddenly appears on page 3 - it's a bit confusing. No big deal of course.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 24
dn061903
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 8:48am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.00
This was a great story.  It kept me interested the entire time and I couldn't wait to read what was going to happen next.  

The ending struck me a little odd at first, but after some thought, I get it.  And I really dig it.  

It's a story that will stick with me for a while, which is a very impressive accomplishment.  

Sure there are spelling/grammar issues, etc, but that's secondary.  This is a well thought out, well done story.  

imo, in the top 2 stories so far.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 24
greg
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1721
Posts Per Day
0.32
While I couldn't really buy a lot of what was going on, I kinda liked what I read.  Couple things:

*The flashbacks disrupted the flow, partly because I think they could have been done a lot better.  Melissa in one place, Melissa in another, Cut To's here and there, bouncing back and forth.  It just wasn't very smooth.

*I can't buy the fact that he killed his wife so that he can kill this thing.

*A lot of typos in here that started to make me cringe as more and more came which also disrupted the flow.

But you did establish a good atmosphere and while I had my issues with this piece, I kinda liked it.  Nice work.

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 19 - 24
GirlO
Posted: March 2nd, 2011, 12:08am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
New Zealand
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Just started reading the first half page but I'm getting called away. Will come back to comment properly, as story line sounds like it could be interesting,  but I had to say sorry just cant help myself, you know? One of the first descriptions is:

A boat crashes in the waves, or something like that. It should probably be:  

Waves crash against a boat? Because for a minute there I thought we had a crashed boat on our handsmaybe we do? I dont know.  I should have read the whole thing before commentingI know, its such a nitpick. Ok. Maybe its just me. Weird wording.
Sorry.

Im out.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 24
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41
Not too bad, but a bit too wordy for me and some spelling errors to boot. I don't need to know the color of sunlight, for example. The SLUGS with DAY-CONTINUOUS are wrong. (One or the other; if it a "continuous" that means it is directly after the previous scene; we know it is already daytime.

I'm not too much into flashbacks, Aiden "still" sitting at the table when we get back to present. We have a lot of that non-activy, and while I thought this was okay for OWC, it didn't knock my socks off.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 21 - 24
Dreamscale
Posted: March 4th, 2011, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11139
Posts Per Day
2.47
No go...I'm out.  SO many pitiful mistakes on just about every line.  I'm not going to subject myself to the piss poor quality of this.

Listen, I understand this may have been completed Friday night with the deadline looming, but the mistakes on display here shouldn't be present even if you're writing in a semi-coma with naked babes drooling around you.

No excuse for it...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 24
shootingduck
Posted: March 10th, 2011, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
New Jersey, USA
Posts
33
Posts Per Day
0.01
If you build on this, expand the myth, lose some of the middling streams of dialogue and use that space to create more of the decent visuals you had in the beginning this could be rewritten as a very good, very suspenseful story.  Listen to the advice in the above posts, there are a lot of good things you can take away from these comments and put toward a rewrite.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 24
Branzig Rubenburg
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
26
Posts Per Day
0.01
The story was different, but there were  a ton of minor gramar errors.  This ended up being a big problem throughout the script.  Revise it and the script will be better.  Keep up the good work!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 24
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2011 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006