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This third batch of submissions seems to have a lot of good, strong writers in it...
And Monsters is no exception. Liked the story, liked the characters. (One small nitpick - introduce Rohan a little earlier - it's jarring to read of him the first time on page 5.)
And I like the theme...mostly. A part of me has trouble accepting the concept of Aiden being willing to kill his beloved, just to harden himself for the task at hand. But as long as you accept that, the rest of the story works - and is even a bit poetic.
I hate to say this, but a few things kept me from really getting into the story. First was the lack of proofreading you did. Second was the constant back and forth cuts. It was hard to envision this even with your meticulous writing style. Actually, meticulous wouldnï¿½t be the wordï¿½descriptive maybe. You set up a great environment, but fell flat by the end.
You initially had me interested in where I would be by the end of this story but with little information on the beasts origins and how it's so powerful AND Aidenï¿½s sacrifice ending up worthless left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
You have a great idea here, but I donï¿½t think it was something that couldï¿½ve been accomplished in a weekï¿½s time. The creatureï¿½s gifts let this story become incredibly psychological but by the end it ends up being just another average kill.
This is, however, a good job for a weeks work!
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
The only thing - I didn't feel it when they started talking in prose - too poetic, melodramatic. The theme of this is a bit melodramatic too - it's more of a romance.
But I really liked it. A lot. I think you did a very good job on transitions which is hard. I liked the flashbacks, actually liked the story and the way it's told minus their poem in the middle. Very strong visuals. Few characters - huge plus. And two locations. I think you have to include Roman in the very first scene. When he suddenly appears on page 3 - it's a bit confusing. No big deal of course.
While I couldn't really buy a lot of what was going on, I kinda liked what I read. Couple things:
*The flashbacks disrupted the flow, partly because I think they could have been done a lot better. Melissa in one place, Melissa in another, Cut To's here and there, bouncing back and forth. It just wasn't very smooth.
*I can't buy the fact that he killed his wife so that he can kill this thing.
*A lot of typos in here that started to make me cringe as more and more came which also disrupted the flow.
But you did establish a good atmosphere and while I had my issues with this piece, I kinda liked it. Nice work.
Just started reading the first half page but I'm getting called away. Will come back to comment properly, as story line sounds like it could be interesting, but I had to say – sorry just can’t help myself, you know? – One of the first descriptions is:
‘A boat crashes in the waves,’ or something like that. It should probably be:
‘Wave’s crash against a boat…’? Because for a minute there I thought we had a crashed boat on our hands…maybe we do? I don’t know. I should have read the whole thing before commenting…I know, it’s such a nitpick. Ok. Maybe it’s just me. Weird wording. Sorry.
Not too bad, but a bit too wordy for me and some spelling errors to boot. I don't need to know the color of sunlight, for example. The SLUGS with DAY-CONTINUOUS are wrong. (One or the other; if it a "continuous" that means it is directly after the previous scene; we know it is already daytime.
I'm not too much into flashbacks, Aiden "still" sitting at the table when we get back to present. We have a lot of that non-activy, and while I thought this was okay for OWC, it didn't knock my socks off.
No go...I'm out. SO many pitiful mistakes on just about every line. I'm not going to subject myself to the piss poor quality of this.
Listen, I understand this may have been completed Friday night with the deadline looming, but the mistakes on display here shouldn't be present even if you're writing in a semi-coma with naked babes drooling around you.
No excuse for it...
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
If you build on this, expand the myth, lose some of the middling streams of dialogue and use that space to create more of the decent visuals you had in the beginning this could be rewritten as a very good, very suspenseful story. Listen to the advice in the above posts, there are a lot of good things you can take away from these comments and put toward a rewrite.