Monsters by Jean-François Heidenreich - Short - Aiden is tasked to hunt down and kill an murderous shape-shifting creature, but who is the greater monster.

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format

Hi, Jean-Francois

Gotta do the FADE IN: left justified and FADE OUT: right Justified. Sorry.

For your slugs there needs to be a space between the INT. or EXT. and the location.

Cut the CUT TO:s.

Page 2 - You're doing wonderful. The jump back and forth between sea and home are fine.
Just a minor, weenie thing:
A wooden crate slams onto the deck. Three feet by three feet
in size.
... can be cut to:
A three foot square wooden crate slams onto the deck.
... would just economize an absurd little bit.

Minor typos throughout. A lot.

Nice page 6 reveal twist.

Be reeeeeal careful with those full page monologues.

Hmm...
Don't know how I really feel about that ending.

This isn't really horror.
It's certainly dramatic with some mildly horrific elements and a great deal of fantastic elements.
I like the way you spin a romance.
I dunno.

How about this: It's a great sea story, but doesn't fit the challenge criteria.
It's like... fantasy/horror/romance  

I just had to read this one real fast. I just option a super short of the same title.

Interesting tale, kinda the same theme, humans as the monsters. The cut and jumps were fine on a second reading.

I think this is horror romance, so no worries. Impossible to shoot on a short film budget. Just the insurance, ugh.

I see so much potential in this one. First of all, this is Aiden and Melissa's story and I think too much with Callan is unnecessary.

You might begin with an opening image of Aiden and Melissa, back in the good old days.

I'm not sure about the monster. You need to nail it more. The image of a pig wasn't enough for me; so search for the magic that will bring it more to life there.

Did you mean homely kitchen? Or homey kitchen?

I went to look up the alter meanings of homely again just to be sure. I always associate homely with not so pretty, but indeed, I'm wrong in thinking that it only means that. Yes, it can mean cozy, but here in Canada, we say cozy or homey, which isn't a real word I don't think. But I'm mentioning it anyways because one word makes a world of difference. If it's an ugly kitchen, everything changes in our minds.

I liked the juxtiposition of the monster and the terrier in the next scene. Good show. These little details mean a lot.

But so does

she looks past the small dog…

*a glaring error of missing capitals at the start of a sentence. Careful.

I want to draw your attention to this because I liked it:

AIDEN
I had to look beyond my own selfish
desires, to cleanse this world of your seductive tongue. To fill my dreams with the vilest of thoughts. To become more of a monster than even you.

*This is coming through as dialogue, but think of how you might show this visually if you decide to rewrite. It's powerful and I think holds so very much truth.

Finally, I'd like to see you come up with something extra in the title. Monsters is so very generic.

A good effort.

Sandra

This is probably the strangest tale I've read so far in this OWC.  Some parts of it worked, other parts not so much.

The constant cutting between the boat and Aiden's life with Melissa made for a very disjointed read.  Thus, this script had no flow to it.  It felt like I was being jerked back and forth between the past and present.  One or two flashbacks are fine, but too many creates a problem.

Why would they use a wooden crate?  If this was a deep sea expedition, it should have been metal.

We need some background on this creature.  Aiden and the others just sort of acknowledge that they've captured a shapeshifter from the sea.  What the hell is this thing?

Too many pages wasted on melodramatic back and forth.  We need to know what this creature is and its connection to Aiden.

The ending fell flat for me.  Callan dies, but I really didn't care.  The "rules" of this story were never established, so I never had an emotional investment.

A creative effort, but ultimately it didn't work for me.

Pros.

Lots of interesting stuff going on. Strong themes, interesting action.

Real potential.

Cons.

Flashbacks disrupt the narrative flow.

Too much revealed through dialogue...a common theme in this OWC IMO.

Needs a more solid backstory.

Definite potential though.

First, just a personal taste, but I would like to see more efforts like this. The writer is grappling with a complicated and difficult concept. The twists and turns were certainly effective enough for me to hold my interest. Even though the main twist...

SPOILER

...where he kills his wife, was something I anticipated kind of early, I didn't mind, and there were aspects that I did not anticipate, and maybe still haven't really figured out.

Let's start with where I had thought this was going, until the very end. The monster's main strength is that it can get in its victim's head, seize upon a critical memory to play with, that memory which makes him most vulnerable, and use it against him. What if such a monster was so effective at this that even telling yourself before hand not to be fooled is no help?

So Aiden determines that the only way to combat such a creature, through some complicated psychological analysis of his own mind, is to kill that which he loves, his wife. Maybe his mind seals off the memory of this killing, compartmentalizes it. Then, at the moment when the creature confronts him, when it breaks into his mind to use the memory of his wife against him, it breaks also into that compartment, bringing the memory of killing his wife to the front of his mind...and giving him the strength to resist the creature.

Or something like that.

But there was another twist coming. Great! Kept me on the edge of my seat. But I didn't really get it. He becomes a couple with the creature? Why would the creature wish to become a couple with him? Because he is a murderer and therefore a kindred soul now? I am probably missing something on my end.

Another problem for me was this. Cullen goes in at the end and is easily destroyed by the vicious creature. If the creature is that powerful, physical powers, why does it need its mind invading powers? And even if Aiden could overcome the mind invasion, armed with just a knife, wouldn't the powerful beast just easily shred him like it did Cullen?

Come to think of it, they have been plotting this destruction of the creature for years. The best they can come up with is to send in a guy with a knife? Shouldn't they try to shoot it, burn it, kill it with Justin Bieber music...something?

This story was destined to be very, very difficult to pull off due to its complicated nature. I could be misunderstanding key elements, and would love to hear the explanation for what I can't figure out. I love what the writer is trying to accomplish here, and I hope the effort continues to develop this story and others like it. I could not be more sincere in saying that either. I have never been a fan of simple slash horror, unless it is done with humor so that it is part comedy.

I want a story. Slash horror works because it is cheap and easy, and it seems many people prefer it anyway. That seems to be the preference in this forum actually. If a story is well written, properly formatted, just add blood and sliced flesh and it will be well received. I would like to personally encourage efforts like this. It may be that this story can be fixed up just be clarifying some things, or it may be that it needs some major surgery for everything to fit. But I love the effort, and whoever wrote this feel free to PM me on what was really going on here.

A very interesting entry to the challenge, and one that almost works, but falls just a bit short.

There were numerous typos and punctuation errors.  A good proof read should pick most of these up, but they are forgivable in a OWC.

You've got a really good idea here, very creative, only it feels more like a fantasy tale than a horror story.

Most of the issues I had with it have already been covered, especially in the post above.  The only things I will add is the number of flashbacks on pages 7 & 8 seemed unnecessary. You could probably cut these down by at least half.

Also, you can't have flashbacks if nothing is happening in each scene - you need some action taking place, even if it's only one line of description.  Melissa's dialogue in the flashbacks should also be in voice over.

As I said, you do have a really good idea here, and with a little time and work it could become something great.

It is unfortunate that poor proofreading pulled me out of this story a bit too often.

After a very compelling set-up, I have mixed emotions about where the author took us.

(Spoiler)

I respect the author trying to dig deep for an introspective piece, but with the murder of his beloved, the author takes me a little too far into I-just-can't-buy-it land.

Maybe a little more backstory might have helped -- or perhaps a little more information about the beastie itself -- but for my money, this way-cool set-up would be better served by spinning this tale off into a completely different direction that has nothing at all to do with Melissa.

My thoughts, anyway.  Still a good piece.  Nice job, and I freely acknowledge to the author that this is the sort of work that may resonate with others far more than it did with me.

This one definitely had heart.  Good job on that.  Different.  Original.  Format needs some work.  All in all, I kinda liked it.    Sorry to be so brief, but I'm in a hurry.   Congrats on completing the OWC.

I know there is a good story in here, there's certainly atmosphere.  

I got the feeling this script was a first draft, which is okay but that makes it difficult to read.

There's a line of description in the text, "it drags on" -- it does, for me.

MONSTERS * average impact * lack of proofreading - how can you miss a period? * Never mind that last comment * The set up was good but those pesky flashbacks got in my way * longish dialogue by Melissa as she tries to convince him I skipped over because was getting antsy by this time * humans as the monster or the monster as human almost pulled it off * rewrite this one, okay?

Very good set up for this one. I agree that the grammar errors(that got worse as we read), got in the way of the story.

I'm still a bit confused about Aiden's 'task', which he mentions in the flashback? a real dreamy quality at times in this.

The opening scenes reminded me a bit of Graeme Masterton's brilliant novel, 'The Pariah'.

Damn, another fine show. I've been in about four of these OWCs and I've not seen this level of story telling across the boards.

I admired Aidens sacrifice to prepare for this mission. I didn't see it coming and found it fresh and original. I would've liked this a bit more had he accomplished his goal. Then, to see if it was worth it all for him in the end. Would he regret it?

Good job writing a script in a week.

James

I was with you, grammar aside, until an extremely improbable sacrifice.
Even with a prophecy scroll, I don't think I would have bought this one.
Lots of questions, which is a good indicator, but curiously done in by murderous slugs.
The BOAT/ PAST thing was not working for me at all, lots of revisiting paragraphs.
Evocative atmosphere and genuine emotion undermined by simple errors.
If you love screenwriting, learn format and grammer, people will read your efforts.

E.D.

*Spoilers*

This third batch of submissions seems to have a lot of good, strong writers in it...  

And Monsters is no exception.  Liked the story, liked the characters.  (One small nitpick - introduce Rohan a little earlier - it's jarring to read of him the first time on page 5.)

And I like the theme...mostly.   A part of me has trouble accepting the concept of Aiden being willing to kill his beloved, just to harden himself for the task at hand.  But as long as you accept that, the rest of the story works - and is even a bit poetic.

Cheers!

I hate to say this, but a few things kept me from really getting into the story. First was the lack of proofreading you did. Second was the constant back and forth cuts. It was hard to envision this even with your meticulous writing style. Actually, meticulous wouldn�t be the word�descriptive maybe. You set up a great environment, but fell flat by the end.

You initially had me interested in where I would be by the end of this story but with little information on the beasts origins and how it's so powerful AND Aiden�s sacrifice ending up worthless left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

You have a great idea here, but I don�t think it was something that could�ve been accomplished in a week�s time. The creature�s gifts let this story become incredibly psychological but by the end it ends up being just another average kill.

This is, however, a good job for a weeks work!

Very nice story.

The only thing - I didn't feel it when they started talking in prose - too poetic, melodramatic.
The theme of this is a bit melodramatic too - it's more of a romance.

But I really liked it. A lot. I think you did a very good job on transitions which is hard.
I liked the flashbacks, actually liked the story and the way it's told minus their poem in the middle. Very strong visuals.
Few characters - huge plus. And two locations.
I think you have to include Roman in the very first scene. When he suddenly appears on page 3 - it's a bit confusing. No big deal of course.

This was a great story.  It kept me interested the entire time and I couldn't wait to read what was going to happen next.  

The ending struck me a little odd at first, but after some thought, I get it.  And I really dig it.  

It's a story that will stick with me for a while, which is a very impressive accomplishment.  

Sure there are spelling/grammar issues, etc, but that's secondary.  This is a well thought out, well done story.  

imo, in the top 2 stories so far.

While I couldn't really buy a lot of what was going on, I kinda liked what I read.  Couple things:

*The flashbacks disrupted the flow, partly because I think they could have been done a lot better.  Melissa in one place, Melissa in another, Cut To's here and there, bouncing back and forth.  It just wasn't very smooth.

*I can't buy the fact that he killed his wife so that he can kill this thing.

*A lot of typos in here that started to make me cringe as more and more came which also disrupted the flow.

But you did establish a good atmosphere and while I had my issues with this piece, I kinda liked it.  Nice work.

Greg

Just started reading the first half page but I'm getting called away. Will come back to comment properly, as story line sounds like it could be interesting,  but I had to say – sorry just can’t help myself, you know? – One of the first descriptions is:

‘A boat crashes in the waves,’ or something like that. It should probably be:  

‘Wave’s crash against a boat…’? Because for a minute there I thought we had a crashed boat on our hands…maybe we do? I don’t know.  I should have read the whole thing before commenting…I know, it’s such a nitpick. Ok. Maybe it’s just me. Weird wording.
Sorry.

I’m out.

Not too bad, but a bit too wordy for me and some spelling errors to boot. I don't need to know the color of sunlight, for example. The SLUGS with DAY-CONTINUOUS are wrong. (One or the other; if it a "continuous" that means it is directly after the previous scene; we know it is already daytime.

I'm not too much into flashbacks, Aiden "still" sitting at the table when we get back to present. We have a lot of that non-activy, and while I thought this was okay for OWC, it didn't knock my socks off.

No go...I'm out.  SO many pitiful mistakes on just about every line.  I'm not going to subject myself to the piss poor quality of this.

Listen, I understand this may have been completed Friday night with the deadline looming, but the mistakes on display here shouldn't be present even if you're writing in a semi-coma with naked babes drooling around you.

No excuse for it...

If you build on this, expand the myth, lose some of the middling streams of dialogue and use that space to create more of the decent visuals you had in the beginning this could be rewritten as a very good, very suspenseful story.  Listen to the advice in the above posts, there are a lot of good things you can take away from these comments and put toward a rewrite.

The story was different, but there were  a ton of minor gramar errors.  This ended up being a big problem throughout the script.  Revise it and the script will be better.  Keep up the good work!