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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Taibhse - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Taibhse - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 3820 views)
Leon
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi.  I think there were a lot of good elements in this story. Strong natural dialog in the beginning,  i feel it created a nice slower pace, a good contrast to the later sudden horrific deaths. But i think considering the page restrictions, it perhaps it went on a little to long and so the horror aspects of the story became very squashed together at the end.  

The breaking into a house and examining a book case felt a little arbitrary to me, maybe if it was an old library or book shop or something.
The reveal of the shadow, time travel element was lot to take in, if a little random, again introduced and concluded far too quickly.  I liked how his friends raised from the dead and turned on him in the end.

All in all, i think it was good, i'm sure the page restrictions hindered this.
Leon


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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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This is the sixth one I've read, and I like the idea of not naming names right away, but I'm not reading anymore until the names come out.  Having said that... I read this because you haven't gotten many reads.

Overall I thought this was good, the ending was abrupt.  Some of the dialogue was pretty good, actually.   Most of it could go...though.  

A week to come up with a very good script is not a lot of time, so unlike others I don't harp too much on certain aspects...  if most writers had more time to develop their story, most of the issues would be corrected.

So despite some of the previous comments... don't let it overshadow, what was otherwise a decent entry and very good effort.  So congrats.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  March 4th, 2011, 4:15am
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khamanna
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Few characters, one location - it's an easy read.
Use of Irish language - good on that.
The set up is nothing new, no texture here.
The ending is very good I think.
But a bit predictable though.
Can't they break the barred windows?
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keaton01
Posted: March 3rd, 2011, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting story, sci-fi and horror all together. Location would be a pain to secure and outfit. Overall good job.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: March 5th, 2011, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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Pros

Big concept...apocalyptic meets necromancy meets zombies...all set in an abandoned house. Nice one!

Fun dialogue.

I found it an interesting tale and was pleasantly surprised by it.

Cons

Unbalanced towards the end...result of the time restraints.

The reveal of Shadow was heavy-handed and expositional. Now you have the time, you should definitely look at realising the full potential of your little story. It's a good one.

Dialogue: There's too much of it...but that's true of 99% of the scripts. Also the kids seem almost slightly too clever for the type that uses petrol cans to burn down houses...maybe I'm just getting old.

Aside...you missed the opportunity to use the word "Homer" as an insult. "I didn't know you were a writer Brandon!"

"What are you on about?

"Homeeer!".
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys. I just want to say thanks to all for reading this piece of crap that I rushed out and actually enduring it.

As you've probably noticed, I didn't review any scripts during the OWC. I did it intentionally, because I'm not a big fan of the anonimity thing. I can read a person's script without bias and judge on its merits, so I waited until the names were revealed before even attempting to read.

That said, on Monday, I will begin reading each script from the person who read mine (if they entered) and commenting. I say Monday because I'm about to go to sleep and I won't have access to the computer tomorrow, so I have to get this out there now.

Now, for my comments on your reviews. =)

Jeff:

I'm glad you liked the dialogue, despite the amount of it I threw in there. It's really all I know how to do, so if I succeed at one thing, I'm glad it's that. I do disagree that it went nowhere, though. A lot of this, I actually tried to have a purpose for. You're used to reading a better brand of script, though, so maybe you know better.

I know the ending's awful, and as you can tell, I ran out of pages, so I had to wrap it up a lot messier and faster than I hoped to.

Shane:

That's actually the type of story I was hoping to avoid. This wasn't intended to be a story about searching a haunted house. It's about kids who plan to do something, but discover something else which they find more interesting. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough, though.

Naomi:

I'm glad the dialogue sounded good to you, but I was hoping only Darren sounded like a smartass. Guess I kind of made them all sound the same. Sorry. Contrary to popular belief, I don't have a prized book collection. I don't like books. I'm a movie guy. =)

Basically in the end, by trying to read the spell to get rid of Shadow, he read a spell which raised the dead and turned them into zombies, then destroyed the book, making it impossible to reverse the spell.

I'd love to give a quiet moment, but there's a resaon why I don't do horror. Lol. =)

Leitskev:

To answer your questions: Wondering what it was, we wouldn't, felt his way and using the walls, respectively. Yes, they would be freaking out, but they don't. Not all bad writing is created equal. Lol.

First part is because he's a ghost. Second is because he wants them to die quietly to avoid alerting the others.

No. He was brought about by the book. He doesn't just randomly haunt the place in his spare time. Not really, because he was dead and so were they, to him.

As for the time travel aspect, he's trying to make himself die then to avoid raising the dead. But, this is a case of "you can't change the past". By trying to kill them and scare them, he caused himself to read the spell who ends the world.

Greg:

Yeah, the dialogue thing again. Lol. Yes, the ending was rushed and bad and just... embarassing. I had an idea and couldn't execute how it should've been.

That's exactly what it was. I thought a lot about it, ending included, then I realized I only had a couple pages left to work with and I screwed up, then had no time to edit the earlier dialogue out.

Yeah, I was happy about Darren's death. I couldn't wait to kill him off. Thank you.

Darren:

Before I say anything, you like the way I killed you in the script? Lol. =)

I'm going off when I was in high school. Most of my friends loved The Doors. Yes, they know about books, too. They're based off me so they know what I know. Also, the Ouija board thing, the same one person mentions that. He's the well-read of the group.

The conversations are actually more important than they may seem, but I guess I failed at showing how they were important. Yeah, they do run in cliche but you know what? Cliches have to come from somewhere... =)

I just want to thank you guys for the reads and reviews and will get back to you with the rest of the review tomorrow, at some point. =)


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Back to this.

Sandra:

It's true, Sandra. There are still some intelligent kids out there. I tried to make Chris seem like one of them. He was well-read, in some form and knew a little Irish. The other two were cliches, but cliches and stereotypes aren't all bad. After all, stereotypes don't just come out of nowhere.

I wasn't in high school very long ago, and they were talking much worse than this. I actually tried to subdue it a bit, but too much and you know that it's not how they talk.

Gary:

Yes, it did fall flat on dialogue. You'd think he would, but he's trying to talk a little sense in himself. After all, Future Chris killed normal Chris' friends. I think he'd be past the point of, "Hey, maybe this guy's talking sense." Banter is how I do character. My action lines are an embarassment, so I try to keep as little of them as possible.

BryMo:

Yeah, pretty much. All character, no tale. I ran out of time, but you can argue the dialogue was meaningless and should be cut and that's where I disagree. There was a particular story I was trying to tell and it's one that would never look good on paper.

You're right. They all talk like smartass teens. I guess I could've changed them to the jock, the goth and the virgin to differentiate. 'Course, then, people would be complaining that I went full-stereotype. I can't win, in that case.

E.D.:

Back to the unnecessary dialogue. That's cool. If everyone's saying it, then you're all probably right. As for the CD player, why make fun of someone for that? Man, I still like CD players and floppy disks. I guess I just never escaped from the '90s.

What do you have against the "ghost time travel zombie apocalyptic shenanigans"? Ok, so it wasn't executed nearly as well as it should've been. That one's on me.

Wonkavite:

I'm glad it worked for somebody, at least. Yes, it was awful and the ending was the ultimate victim of, "Oh, shit, I have to wrap all this up in the next three lines!"

Cathy:

Oh, you made a funny. Lol. =)

Yeah, the look doesn't work on paper, but I think it could look good if it were filmed. Dark but not pitch black, something like that. Well, who says the protagonists have to be liked by the audience. And, technically, because of the ending, we (I) actually hoped regular Chris would get killed so he didn't bring about zombies.

Faith:

Yeah, it did. Lots of dialogue. Why doesn't anyone believe that the dialogue moved it forward? I'm all by myself here. =( Yes, I know about Darren's death. I'm not too good at conveying emotion of any kind. I could do that, I guess.

Eoin:

Technically, it is. Even if it weren't, I'd do it anyway. I hate the idea of not naming something until we see it, but then somebody reading who have to think back and remember who said what.

We follow is bad, yes, but on is ok. That's what I've heard. O.C. also works in that case. It implies that they're in the same room, but we don't physically see them say it. I'd like to include the page numbers, but for some reason, FD7 doesn't do it for me, anymore.

Yes, it does take too long to get going. I know that. The dialogue went on way too long, but my intention was for it to be really slow in the beginning. It just didn't happen the way it was supposed to.

I did research the word and no, it was not a mistake. Chris says he's not great at Irish, so he misinterprets the word's meaning. Apparently, all the characters are supposed to be perfect and know everything...

Yes, it's American. And, as I say in the dialogue, which you think could go, Chris mentions he picked up a little from his dad who actually was an Irishman.

Why wouldn't they see the fireplace? They saw it with the flashlights. Don't you ever remember seeing something, even after you turn the lights off? I do. It's not difficult.

I'll give you this one about the vocal cords. Yes, it's ridiculous and yes, you are right, but if this is the most ridiculous thing you're pointing out in a zombie, time travel ghost story, something's very wrong.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 6th, 2011, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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And, part 3.

Leon:

I'm glad you liked the dialogue and pacing. What I hoped for, even though I don't think I executed so well. Yes, it went on way too long.

It's an abandoned old house. Not too many things to look at, I'd figure. Might just be me, though. =)

I'm glad you liked it and yes, it was a page restriction problem.

Ghostwriter:

Most of the same notes I got already, but it helps reinforce the notion that you guys are right.

I'm glad you liked the effort. =)

Khamanna:

Glad it was an easy read.
I try, even if I fail.
I'm not known for breaking the mold. =)
Ending's good or a good idea?
Well, yeah. I like my cliches.
They could, but that would end the story right there. I can't do that. Lol.

Chris:

Cool. Short, sweet and not a negative review. I love it. =)

Rick:

Well, come on, how many times have you seen ghosts, time travel and zombies TOGETHER? Lol.

Fun, movie-like, otherwise known as how no one else in the world really talks.

Cool. Nice to hear, then.

Yes. The time restraints. Yeah, the damn shadow man. Well, it was the only way I could think of besides Molotov cocktails, but those are a hell of a lot more dangerous and effort-taking.

Lol. I could've done that, but I'm just not that clever.



Well, that's all folks. Thank you all for reading and commenting and I'll be back together to review and comment those who read me, in order. Goodbye. =)


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr. Blonde

Darren:

Before I say anything, you like the way I killed you in the script? Lol. =)

I'm going off when I was in high school. Most of my friends loved The Doors. Yes, they know about books, too. They're based off me so they know what I know. Also, the Ouija board thing, the same one person mentions that. He's the well-read of the group.

The conversations are actually more important than they may seem, but I guess I failed at showing how they were important. Yeah, they do run in cliche but you know what? Cliches have to come from somewhere... =)

I just want to thank you guys for the reads and reviews and will get back to you with the rest of the review tomorrow, at some point. =)


As you know, I have two entries- but I'm going to respectfully ask for you to get to them when the revisions are up. Both will have some significant alterations. Thanks.





"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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tailbest
Posted: March 7th, 2011, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Unfortunately not too hot on this story. As stated above, most of the dialogue is Tarantino-ish and very unnecessary towards the story you are trying to tell. I know you are trying to set the characters by giving them dialogue back and forth, but this made the script feel overlong, at least in my opinion.

I did like some of the visuals with the setting, and there is an interesting idea regarding "Shadow" and his story. This, as stated, seems to suffer from constraints as a lot of exposition is provided by "Shadow". Maybe if you cut back the kids' dialogue and rewrote the script without any constraints, this could be a solid little horror script.

Congrats on finishing an OWC.

Rob


"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"

MY WORK

2 versions of my short script: "Writer's Block"? Why not.

Version 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmMqDVoAwCA

Version 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuSg1vZ50GQ

My lame webpage: http://tailbest.blogspot.com/
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Branzig Rubenburg
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The story took a while to pick up speed, but that dosen't mean it was bad.  The script was actually very good.  Once the action started, I was glued to it.  Some story elements, like the ending, were predictable though.  You should see if you can come up with a better ending.  Also, you should try and get the story rolling earlier than you have it set up in this draft.  Keep up the good work.
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