Hey Bert,
Thank you for the great review, I'm almost relieved that you enjoyed it and managed to stick with it! I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

I'm happy you like the idea and can see the possible potential it has when I rewrite it.

I'll try and write a bit about some of the comments you made a bit later- they are all great points and ones that will certainly help me to iron this out.

Thanks again for a really great review and for taking the time out to do so!

Hi Bert,
First, thanks again for the great review and taking the time to read this script. Any script that is 110 pages is a long slog to get through, so you're words mean a lot and I appreciate every one.  

As for the story, I think the set up is great, with the crypt, the three demons, and the line in the sky. Not much wasted time. Right where we left off. Now that I see it, I agree with you that this was the best way to do it. I was genuinely intrigued by where all of this might be going. I also liked the intimate feel of this story, within the confines of the crypt, and while some of the characters seemed a bit extraneous, you did a good job with developing the main characters. Particularly the new character of Kane -- no mistaking where this guy was coming from.

First off, I'm pleased and relieved you enjoyed the setting. Considering this whole thing is based over a few hours and in one main location I was worried this might drag on and become tiredsome. It's a massive cliche to set this in the crypt and graveyard but I just thought the whole setting worked well.  Thanks for appreciating the skyline as well as it was a big part of the story overall.
Im also happy you thought I did a decent job with the characters - I spent a lot of time reworking and rewriting scenes for this bunch and although it is not perfect as yet, at least I know Im on the right track. I have a fair ammount of scenes that I cut out that go more into the Jamie and Carly characters and Im thinking of restoring them so I can make the whole thing more intense.

* I like the stuff going on with the sky, suggesting that something is wrong with the whole damnn world -- a point that was never made clear in the original.

Yep, I'm pretty sure you gave me this idea when you reviewed the first one. It was pretty important to emphasise the fact it was the whole world and not just this dingly little town that was going through this bizarre night and change was world wide. Im very pleased this came across in the sequal.

* You kept saying "corn stems". The word is "stalks".
I will correct this. Cheers!

* Jim's little freak-out around the campfire was pretty effective. I liked that scene.
Cool, thanks Bert. It either was going to come across unintentionally funny and dare I say it, camp, but Im pleased the scene worked well.

* You've got a character named Keane, and now another named Kane. These names are too close together, perhaps. Particularly given that we've got a Kerry in there, too.
Eek. I have the KKK in my script it seems.  Something that I will look at, maybe Kane needs a name change as I cant really alter the other two. Maybe...Cain? Just kidding.

* Why give Jennifer bulging eyes? That's a weird detail. Do you have an actress in mind with bulging eyes? I seem to recall that chick in "Undead" had big, google eyes.
This is a bizarre description I guess. I will put this in another way.

* As I said earlier, I think you are building tension in the crypt well. It's ambitious, and tough to build characters this way -- through dialogue alone. But it seems out of character when Kerry announces that she is taking charge. I have to call you on that, as this was not set up adequately. You should build up to that, and suggest it earlier. You can't just have her jump up and do it.
Both you and George have called me up on this and I agree. It looks like I was trying to push things forward too quickly and without reason. I will have a look at this and sort it out.

* "The perimeter fence is (x) feet high and (X) foot wide." What is up with this description? Looks like you forgot to come back to this.
This aswell, I have now rewritten this bit! This was one of many moments I forgot to come back and alter. Also , I was not entirely sure if I had to give the exact measurements but Im glad I was corrected in how to do this. Cheers.

* You've set this story in America (I think), but Colonel Askin talks about the costs of the operation being "millions of pounds." You mean dollars. The wire through the head that immediately follows this is confusing. I'm not sure what you mean. Where did this wire come from? However, blowing the shite out of the misty graveyard was cool, and would probably look great with all the exploding headstones. I really liked that image.
* Then, when we move back to the crypt, how come nobody comments on the insane amount of gunfire outside?
* You say "laminates" when you really mean "illuminates". You do that a couple of times.
* Kerry is free, just like that? You should show her freeing herself, and have her cut the ropes on a rock at least, but preferably something more clever than that.
The story is set in America so I made a mistake with the pounds-dollars thing. Thanks for that.
The wire death scene needs work and explaining. The idea was that the wire fence surrounding the area had a part to play but it looks like I never even wrote it! So I will possibly change that whole scene. As you can tell, I've left a lot out or have just forgot about certain scenes. I tried to write this, leave some scenes blank or very bland and then I would come back to them and fix them up. This is the first time I have tried this as I usually write the scene in one go and dont leave it until Im happy with it.
Heh heh, glad you liked the graveyard biting the dust scene!  
As for why no one heard the gunfire in the crypt, that's another good point and one I can probably correct with a few sentences. Maybe they were so far down underground that it was impossible to hear it but maybe that is a paper thin excuse.
As with the Kerry scene, the escape is pretty simple isnt it lol. I now intend to rewrite a lot of this and put a lot more detail into what is actually going on.
In terms of broader comments, I have a few suggestions for you when you jump into the rewrite. The first one concerns the character of Father Keane, and how you handle him at the climax of your story. I think you missed an opportunity there, as he never really has to struggle with the question of his destiny. You made his faith constant -- and unshakable -- so when he is finally confronted with that pivotal choice at the end, there was really no question that he would refuse.
What if, instead of relying on his faith, there were periods where he had lapses of faith? Periods where he hated God, and was certain that God had abandoned them. Then, when Jim presents him with the opportunity to join them on the rooftop, Father Keane might have been more tempted to accept this offer. There could have been some tension there -- will he accept? -- but ultimately, his faith would have seen him through, and he would have emerged all the stronger for it.
I will look into this and will almost certainly use it! In one of my other writes, I had it that the plot was focused on Father Keane being looked upon by everyone else as the bad guy and that it was his fault this whole disaster was happening. It made him stay constantly strong in his beleifs and never change. But that whole thing never really looked right and was one of my many failed earlier attempts. I think you have the right idea, by making Father Keane have doubts (and with good reason) regarding his faith then the finale might not look so obvious.
As you've got it now, Father Keane and Kerry never really do anything but run away. And that's kind of a problem, as they are our heroes. They should be more engaged in the climax, and take more of an active role in what ultimately happens between Jim and our friends the Demons and so on.
You're right. With the script building up to what should be some kind of final confrontation, I guess the ending maybe was a dissapointment that neither Kerry or Father Keane had much of a  part to play in it. I guess the idea that evil wiping evil out didnt really go down that well and give a feeling of satisfaction. I will take a whole new look at this set up.

b]Which brings me to my last comment, regarding the trio of demons. Man, I really like these guys, and I really wish there were a way to expand on these characters in their own right. I get what you are doing with the witch being the only one who speaks, and the goblin does kind of have some personality with his grunts and his actions, but the skull gets kind of ripped off. I don't know how much more you can do without actually giving them voices, and I'm not sure that's even a good idea anyway. If you could just figure out some way to give them larger roles -- even at the expense of some of the action in the crypt -- I think this would emerge as a stronger story.[/b]
I will almost certainly give the Demons some more scenes. I didnt want to make the script about them initially, but of course it needs them. They are, after all, the main threat and need to probably do some more damage. I wanted to put them in of course, but I really wanted to make this about how people would react in different ways to being trapped in a crypt and then add in the extra element of the supernatural.  The Goblin, the guy I like the most, I can almost see him in similarity to Moloch from you're Starbuck series! I think the two of them would have a great time together lol.  But, yeah, I agree I need to make them be more productive and make Skull more then just a prop.
So, anyway, I hope some of this helps you out with the rewrite. This piece is a solid companion to the first. Good job.
Bert, I am very grateful for the review. It was more then helpful and along with George's review I can see the errors and mistakes I have made which make my job on the next draft a lot easier. Im very happy that you seem to have enjoyed it and think it was worth while.

I suppose it might send you screaming for the woods to suggest that you go for a trilogy, huh?
I think castration would be less painful.

Thank you Bert, you have come through with a great review and one I really appreciate. This will help me no end and for that, all I can say is cheers and if you have any scripts up I will be more then happy to take a look. I think there are a couple on your list I am yet to go read, so I will do in due course. I've promised to read Andy's Basement and George's Vengeance rewrite plus Chism's Hero. So when I get to them, I will certainly check out some more of you're material, Bert.

I think we have an almost similar variation of our bad guys in regards to you're Starbuck series andthe villain Moloch. I think if the Goblin could talk, he would be very much like Moloch! By the way, I am looking forward to reading the next chapter in that series, you have me hooked so far and it is a shame I have to wait. Hopefully not for too long!

All the best.

Yeah, that "trilogy" thing was just a joke.  I am sure you are ready to move on -- at least for the time being.

You know, there is nothing wrong with "Cain" -- I think you should consider it -- a biblical name seems fitting for the tone of your story.  Don't discard that idea out of hand.  It's really only on the page that the Kane/Keane thing creates confusion.

I suppose Goblin and Moloch could have one hell of a party.  That's funny.  For me, these three demons are the highlight of these stories -- the other aspects are good, sure -- but these guys are just fantastic to me.  I can't get enough of them, and my interest level picked up every single time they appeared.

But I suspect "balance" with these guys will be important, though.  You should use them as much as you possibly can, I think -- but on the other hand, if you use them too much, it might diminish their appeal, you know?  It will be a tough call.

Maybe George will chime in on that.  And that Chism guy looks like he will be giving you a pretty thorough treatment.  Ask him what he thinks, maybe.

Actually, one of the comments I made was that they don't do much in this one, whereas they were very involved in the last one. I know the focus of the drama in within the crypt, but these guys are on the outside and they're the main antagonists. Their big part of the story is wiping out some soldiers and standing there growing ever closer to the crypt. Seems kinda flat to me, but at the same time, within the boundaries of the story (without going gratuitious), I'm not too sure what else they could do.

Hi!

Bert, thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the name change, I think its safe to say Kane will now be Cain. As you say, it does have that biblical name to it so maybe I can squeeze in some more biblical nonsence lol.

Of course I am very happy you like the Demons, and as Geroge has said, I really didnt want to overuse them and make this look like another excuse for  a slasher film.

I'm going to start rewriting this in about a weeks time, so we shall see what happens but your comments are priceless and I thank you very much for them.

Hey, I want to apologize if I am hogging up this channel with my "seasonal" scripts but I just would like to say I have started on the next draft of this.

So far nothing major - the Your Vs You're problem has been hopefully fixed.

I have made the Sowen symbol describable and altered Kane's name to Cain.

Corn stems to corn stalks!

There will be a completely different intro to the Demons.

The opening scene has been altered with more description.

And a lot more will be worked on. Kerry taking over the crypt, the wire death scene, the chamber scenes, and the ending.

Not to mention there will be a lot more character development from Jamie, Carly, Jennifer, Eric and even Bill!

I dont know when this will be complete as I dont want to rush it.

Thanks for reading!

I have sent in the next draft of this and have corrected the previously abysmal spelling amongst a few other things.

The final draft, dare I call it that, will hopefully be posted shortly.

The final draft of this will hopefully be posted in October.

There are a few changes, alterations and some twists so this may be a different story then what you read before.

This will be the so called final cut of this script.

Cheers!

Thanks Don for posting the latest and what I will call for now, the final draft of this script.

I did try and place some parts of what I had written on a seperate draft in with this but it just did not mix well at all so I scrapped that whole idea and just re wrote a few scenes.

The start maybe well too descriptive but hopefully the rest is OK.

Hopefully I have adressed all the major problems that were mentioned and thats the beauty of this site and why I have to give a big thanks to George and Bert for helping to pinpoint the problems with this.

Thanks guys