Hey Jonathan sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to this, been a bit busy over the festive period.  Anywho I’ll crack on…

Oh I haven’t read other comments so ignore any duplicate questions.

Beano asks how severe the head traumas were, surely death is severe enough?  This line seems a bit redundant.

Page 20 when Lisa and Claire are talking on the phone, it’s obvious to both they are talking about Rachel yet Lisa says ‘tell Rachel…’.  Seems strange she doesn’t just say ‘tell her…’.  Small thing but it stuck out for me.  Your dialogue is very natural otherwise so I thought I’d point this out.

Would the police really contact parents by phone and leave messages?  Wouldn’t they call in person?

Rodney seems a bit heartless lol.  Just springing the Rachel was murdered last night and then saying he can’t do her work.  Not sure if this is his character yet so I’ll hold judgement.

You don’t include any description of the adopting couple?  I know they may play only a small part but a young / old would be sufficient.  I’m nit picking again.

Tee-vee watchers?  Never seen TV written like that before.

About 30 pages in and your pacing seems fine.  A good opening with plenty of questions and now the story and characters begin to unveil themselves.

Page 32 your logline reads Jennifer’s bedroom but she sits on the tub?  Should this be bathroom?

You’ve got some pretty spooky goings on here.  It’s building the suspense and mystery nicely.

Was just gonna take a break when Beano had his premonition and the whole bedroom/bathroom scene was great.  Never saw that coming.  The door elastic scene rings bells in my head, have I seen that before somewhere?  I loved it though.  It’s very atmospheric and the strange child-like figure seems very disturbing.

So far so good.  I’ve been very impressed with your writing and the story unravels very naturally, nothing forced.  Will continue soon, it’s definitely got my attention.

I’m back already, got the hook I guess.

It’s strong that you kill off one of your main characters so early, shame cos I liked Beano.

You can’t beat a bit of cheese, Patrick returning like the cavalry with his badge being tossed back to him lol.

Page 61 and an exhausted Patrick, really he only rolled out of his car?  Maybe shaken but exhausted?

I’ve heard this a few times but what the hell is ‘salt and pepper hair’?

You have a flashback but state that Melissa is slightly older?

The security guard suddenly speaks Spanish I think.  Is he Spanish in origin as there’s no description of him?

Cratering his face – ouch!

Well what started as a, what I thought, standard slasher movie has now developed into a psychological horror.

Page 71 confused me slightly when you have a kinda flashback but don’t introduce it.  Once I read it again I figured it out so no real beef.  You describe some beautiful cinematography through this script.

Page 73, I think the mourners are ‘sombre’ not sober?

I get the whole teddy bear thing now.

You merge the scenes together really well, the flashbacks and present.  I get a real sense of Jennifer’s madness.

Dr Mason seems a bit too calm in his ‘I don’t believe we met’ response.  His wife’s just been murdered in his bed.

When you say the bullet strikes Jennifer, I imagined it hitting her in the chest but then you state it grazed her head.  Maybe say the bullet hits her head or something but then I guess on screen I would see where the bullet hit.

Right finished.

I feel I got to mention the sledge hammer and picturing a small child wielding a sledge hammer is hard.  Not sure where you from but a sledge hammer to me is a huge head with 3 foot handle.  How tall is Melissa?

The death of Beano and the introduction of Patrick was a bit of sour point for me.  Beano seemed to be taking a lead role and then dies.  Patrick takes up the story but isn’t involved enough.

That said it’s one of the few negative things I have to say about this script.  This was one of the best I’ve read here and that’s not an understatement.  It’s very well written, had a lot of thought put into it and beautifully described.

Very good work.

Read this more out of boredom, aka for entertainment, but I did catch a few mistakes...sorry I only managed to remember two of them to type up:

45 (electrical hum needs caps)
53 (you have ease-dropping; should be eavesdropping)

Oh, and you confused me with "tee-vee" why not just put television or TV???

Overall it was an interesting read. Although, I must say the ending was a bit confusing. By page 70 and onward, it was very hard keeping up with so many female names. I actually had to write them down on a notepad for quick reference. Lol.

Pretty good read, but you really must proofread your scripts at least twice before posting them here.

Usually don't like horror scripts, but this kept me intrigued.

But I do have a question.  How did the doctor know about Melissa?  If she was sent to protect Jennifer, wouldn't she have kept her identity a secret?  Especially with all of the murders that Melissa committed at a young age?

And why did Melissa kill her father but not Claire in the flashback?  And why did Melissa kill Rachel in the first place?

Rewrite this and address those plot points.  Then try to sell it.