I think this is my first script I have read of yours... actually -- FD4 was my first script of yours that I have read. Or was it... I don't know. lol. The premise sounded pretty interesting, and I began reading.

Spoilers....

I'll start off saying, breezy read so far. Its really good, I like Adam's character. He's funny and I like that wink he sends to Katie. I thought that was a nice move, he's reminds me of myself. Good stuff.

The conversation that Lauren, Lex, and Adam have on the guy who constantly smiles is unimportant... but I won't comment anymore on that.

On page 21.. its getting a little boring. No offense, but the beginning hooked me.. but your losing me.

Pretty gruesome deaths.. good stuff. It was worth the wait.

That thing on pg. 39 where Adam 'hears' his mom was pretty disturbing!

I felt that it was a little cheesy that Adam believed Lex on "she can hear the voices to".

A problem I had with FD3 was that the deaths are way to close together, this is what is happening here. Every few pages there's a death, the only thing that seperates them are a couple of conversations. It's starting to become tiring.. and cheesy.

pg. 84 Lex says "Have to talked to him about it yet?". That line doesn't make any sense.

pg. 86 You say "site". I think you mean "Sight"

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Just finished. Sorry I wasn't able to give more feedback. I really have mixed feelings on this one, sometimes this was a breezy and easy read. Other parts were hard and boring reads, but overall -- it needs some work.

Sham:

Thanks for reading. I think that this may be my most original screenplay....maybe...I have no idea.

Yeah as I was writing this I was really sketchy about how people would feel that it was a coincidence that he knows sign language along with the fact that he can read lips, and he goes deaf. I was sort of considering to leave the sign language part out, since he barely uses it.

I'd really not like to change the fact that Adam goes deaf, partly because I don't want to change up the entire story and have to go through the script and rewrite every single thing after the accident happen. I don't want to make it like an unoriginal story where some character has something happen to them (or goes through a change) that makes them able to do something. Like for instance, the girl in The Eye gets new eyes that makes her see dead people. Peter Parker in Spiderman gets bitten by a spider that makes him part spider. I don't want Adam to obtain a superpower (or anything of the sort). I think it'd be more interesting if he were deaf because, well, since your deaf, you can't hear anything. But it makes it more interesting that he's hearing dead people even when he's deaf. So what if audiences can't relate to him just because he's deaf, they can still relate to him because of his actions and the stuff he does before he goes deaf. I hope I'm not being hypocritical though

Yeah I see many similarities in this script with Final Destination. Especially that scene with the fireworks. I completely destroyed the part after the premonition when Adam freaks out. It's long gone. As for the deaths...well, they should seem like Final Destination considering there's a supernatural force that's creating them.

I'm beginning to pick away the parts that seem to stray off of what's going on (i.e. Alicia's small scene, Brittany, and maybe a few pieces of dialogue that might go off subject just a bit). And what kind of things couldn't you believe? (Give me examples so I can understand what you mean better) unless what you mean is that you couldn't relate to them or believe that kids their age aren't doing what kids their age are doing these days.

Thanks again for reading. I really appreciate the feedback.

Sean

Toran:

I can't remember the first script you've read of mine either so that makes two. Hehe.

I'm glad that you relate (sort of) to Adam. That's one thing I was going for.

Yeah that's one of the the things I mentioned in Sham's reply: I'm cutting down on the straying off the subject stuff.

Pages 1-30 are just character build-up pages. You get to know the characters a bit, and finally you're hit with the bang and it doesn't stop until the end of the script. Just a figure of speech.......or something. But yeah, it's that character development stuff that makes it slow at the beginning.

Haha I guess Adam believing Lex is cheesy, but then again, I don't think Lex would lie about something like that with what's going on.

Yeah I know what you mean when the deaths were too close together in FD3, and I can see what you mean in this script. What I wanted to do was have the characters figure something new out between each death (or just have a dramatic scene or something in between each death) while in FD3, all they did was just talk about who's next and how they're going to try and stop it (when each time nobody believes them and someone dies anyway).

Thanks for reading. Sorry it was a bit rocky with you. I've taken out a lot of things that stray away from the main story (except for Michael and Katie's deal, that's character development [that nobody seems to appreciate too much, ]) so it's a bit more cleaned up now and hopefully will be an easy read once I get the rewrite up.

Sean

Quoted Text Thanks for reading. Sorry it was a bit rocky with you. I've taken out a lot of things that stray away from the main story (except for Michael and Katie's deal, that's character development [that nobody seems to appreciate too much, ]) so it's a bit more cleaned up now and hopefully will be an easy read once I get the rewrite up.

It wasn't exactly rock, I enjoyed most of it. But some parts were tough to get through.

I actually appreciated Michael and Katie's whole relationship development. It did stray away from the main plot that was going on, and you actually made me believe that they were the main focus for a second. lol. But usually horror movies don't have sub-plots like that going on, and I thought it was truly original.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Sham: Thanks for reading. I think that this may be my most original screenplay....maybe...I have no idea.

It is. Have confidence in your work.

Quoted Text Yeah as I was writing this I was really sketchy about how people would feel that it was a coincidence that he knows sign language along with the fact that he can read lips, and he goes deaf. I was sort of considering to leave the sign language part out, since he barely uses it. I'd really not like to change the fact that Adam goes deaf, partly because I don't want to change up the entire story and have to go through the script and rewrite every single thing after the accident happen. I don't want to make it like an unoriginal story where some character has something happen to them (or goes through a change) that makes them able to do something. Like for instance, the girl in The Eye gets new eyes that makes her see dead people. Peter Parker in Spiderman gets bitten by a spider that makes him part spider. I don't want Adam to obtain a superpower (or anything of the sort). I think it'd be more interesting if he were deaf because, well, since your deaf, you can't hear anything. But it makes it more interesting that he's hearing dead people even when he's deaf. So what if audiences can't relate to him just because he's deaf, they can still relate to him because of his actions and the stuff he does before he goes deaf. I hope I'm not being hypocritical though

I understand what you're saying, and I fully support whatever course of action you decide to take. This is YOUR story. Adam wouldn't even exist without you. Quiet would simply be something on a library sign. This is your baby, and everything that happens to it is entirely up to you.

Here's the thing, though. The fact that Adam knows sign language and can read lips is too convenient for me (and probably for others, too). You have to figure out a way to get around that. Another thing to realize is that sign language is going to be hard to capture onscreen. While the characters may be able to communicate with it, how is the audience going to understand what they're saying? Subtitles?

I hope you understand my point because this is the main problem with your script. Once you fix this, everything only gets easier from there.

Quoted Text Yeah I see many similarities in this script with Final Destination. Especially that scene with the fireworks. I completely destroyed the part after the premonition when Adam freaks out. It's long gone. As for the deaths...well, they should seem like Final Destination considering there's a supernatural force that's creating them.

Like I said, I don't have a problem with the FD influence. It seems more like an homage than a ripoff, so what you have is perfectly fine with me. It just seems, in relevance to the story, that you had two separate screenplays in mind. The shift in direction is prominent. I noticed it immediately.

Quoted Text I'm beginning to pick away the parts that seem to stray off of what's going on (i.e. Alicia's small scene, Brittany, and maybe a few pieces of dialogue that might go off subject just a bit). And what kind of things couldn't you believe? (Give me examples so I can understand what you mean better) unless what you mean is that you couldn't relate to them or believe that kids their age aren't doing what kids their age are doing these days.

I'm only a year older than you if your profile age is correct. I know how kids are acting and what kids are saying these days, and you pretty much mirrored what I live with.

The things I couldn't believe were the aforementioned sections of your script that were convenient. I'm just trying to point out to you how big of a flaw this is. Your script could be 100 times better if you found a way to work around the sign language and lip-reading scenes. I hate kicking you while you're down about it, but I think this story is too good to suffer from such a trivial error.

Quoted Text Thanks again for reading. I really appreciate the feedback. Sean

I enjoyed reading it because, although it's flawed, it's a step up from Final Destination 4 because it's all from YOUR mind. This is YOUR WORK. Isn't it nice to say that? "I wrote a screenplay. And it's all mine." Feels good, doesn't it?

It may seem like I didn't like Quiet as much as FD4, but that's not true. Because this is an ORIGINAL script, I'm being more critical because it's something you can perfect. Shape it up. Trim the fat. This is the type of script Hollywood would buy in a second, but right now, it's too uneven. Half is good, and the other half, not so much.

Quoted from Sham Here's the thing, though. The fact that Adam knows sign language and can read lips is too convenient for me (and probably for others, too). You have to figure out a way to get around that. Another thing to realize is that sign language is going to be hard to capture onscreen. While the characters may be able to communicate with it, how is the audience going to understand what they're saying? Subtitles?

Alright, I've gone through the script and took out any parts concerning sign language because I feel as though I didn't use it enough (and that it's too much of a coincidence (not like lip reading isn't)), and if I don't use it that much, then there's not really a point of using it in the first place.

Thanks for all of your comments, yous guys!

Sean

Hey everyone,


The revised script is up. The things I've knocked out:

- Some pointless dialogue that strays away
- Adam's freakout scene after the firework vision
- Cleared up the ending with Adam, Robert, and Jonathan
- Fixed a few typos and some logical errors (or something like that)
- Took away a few characters
- Took away the fact that Adam knows sign language (Except on page 30. I forgot to take something out from there, but it'll be gone the next submission).


I think that's it. So yeah, enjoy this revised script. It's also now 100 pages.

Sean

Wicked premise but I got bored by page 10. The dialogue fell flat; so did the characters. I apologize in advance for not offering any advice or tips to resolve the problems I had with the script, but it's been a long night and I'm tired. I may take a crack at the script at another time.

Mistakes I found that I remembered to type:

1 (haunted in quote should be haunt)
6 (no should be now in dialogue sequence)

Kelter, sorry this couldn't keep you interested. It's some more of these scripts of mine where I'm experimenting with character development for the first half, and for the rest of the half is just action and stuff like that. Hopefully you're more awake next time to read some more, but if not, thanks for reading what you read. And thanks for the found mistakes. I'll fix them now.

Sean