Desecration by Mike Shelton - Horror - When a group of young adults is kidnapped by a gang of hardened criminals and subjected to horrible acts of violence on the grounds of an ancient cemetery, the land becomes desecrated and the dead are unable to rest in peace. Rising from their graves, the dead make their way through the woods, seeking revenge, eliminating anything in their path, and causing the would be enemies to band together in the hopes of making it out alive. 106 pages - pdf, format

Hey Mike.

Sorry to say this, but I just couldn't get into this script. It had an interesting premise, but I stopped at page twelve because I had an extremely tough time telling the characters apart. I had enough problems trying to differentiate the three girls who were basically clones of each other (save for Haley who was a bit more bitchy) and then  you mass-introduced four men with no physical descriptions in addition to the clerk and the girl they were robbing. I had to repeatedly go back and look at the previous pages to see who was who until I finally gave up (which one is the cheerleader, which one  is the space-girl? Etc). I seriously recommend rewriting your characters, or adding some physical differences between them to tell them apart. As it is, I simply couldn't read it.   

--Julio

Well Julio, thanks for taking a crack at it I guess.  I think you spent a little too much time taking the characters for what they were wearing rather than their personalities, which look to be pretty laid out from my vantage point.  Probably a little stereotypical, but nothing that's unusual for this genre.

The four guys were intro'd in rapid succession, I agree, but they each have their role within the group as well.

I don't spend much time, if any, describing the way my characters look in any script.  Usually the furthest I'll go is to describe certain articles of clothing, or possibly hair color.

I just looked back at the script for reference, and you were about three pages from meeting the last of the characters for the script.  I intro'd all of them in about the first 15 pages, developed them over the first half of the script, and then finished it all out with the horror aspect.  

Anyway, thanks for trying.  

Hey Mike,

Has this changed since the last time I read it?  If so, I'll give it another squizz.  Let me know.

Michael

I added in a couple new characters and made a few minor changes to the story, but nothing overly major.  The basic structure is still in tact.

Hey,

I had trouble determining whether you were intentionally going B movie-ish or if you were trying to take it more seriously. At the end I decided on the B movie thing. If that wasn't your intent I think you need to tighten a lot of stuff up.

Alright.

Your format was good as for as I could tell.

Some of your dialog was nice, some of it I thought felt a little off. Like it was too long winded or something, it didn't flow right to me. Also, some of it I thought was too visibly expositional and that took me out of it some.

Descriptions were ok overall, but for some of the action stuff, where stuff is happening quickly, I suggest you make them more concise or break them up more so it reads faster.

Story wise I had some problems, even with the slack from categorizing this in the  B movie category.

I thought this was going to be about zombies but they show up at around page 50, about half way through. I think that's a problem. I think you need to cut some stuff out of the set up or shorten it to get to the zombies faster. I also thought the rape stuff all went on way too long.

Also on that note, the zombies practically came out of nowhere. You had the stuff with Jimmy and everet in the beginning but I think you need some more foreshadowing. I think you also need to get some more of the desecration zombie mythos in way earlier in the movie rather then throwing it in towards the end.  

It occurred to me  that you might have wanted to do a From dusk till dawn genre hop thing. If you want to do that I think its a bad choice, but hey, to each his own.  

I had a lot of trouble suspending disbelief about Nick's change of heart. Why was he running with these people if he has such a heart of gold? He didn't make sense to me. He saw Buzz kill several people but for him the last straw is apparently rape. He kind of has the explanation about a damaged existence but it still felt weak to me. I think  this was one of the biggest problems in your script.

I also had a hard time buying Laurel’s thing for Nick. It all felt really forced to me. I don't know where you are going to put it but I really think it needs some more development and it needs to start earlier.

Another thing you should know is that I also had some trouble keeping track of all the characters, especially the girls. Also, a lot of your jokes didn't work for me, you also seem to go to some lengths to set them up. If you are looking for a way to shorten the set up cutting some of that stuff might be a good place to start.

Overall, I can't say I liked this. Some of it worked for me. Some of it didn't. I think this still needs work.  

sheepwalker
  

Sheepwalker,

Thanks for checking it out.  You're pretty much correct in that this is closer to B movie style.  I don't think I'd ever bother to write a serious zombie movie.  It would probably turn out pretty ridiculous.

You're also right about this following a similar structure to From Dusk Till Dawn.  The reason is that these zombies aren't rising from the dead because of radiation in the air, a chemical spill, or one of the other usual causes.  They have a motive, and I had to establish that beforehand and develop the characters a little before they show up.

My main concern is your buying into Nick's change of heart, since there really wasn't supposed to be one.  He's an armed robber who just got hooked in with the wrong bunch of guys.  Even with the demise of Ace he said his piece, and he speaks out progressively more as the story goes on and things get worse.

Laurel's thing for him is more or less the result of the situation.  Nick is the only one in the group that resembles a hero, and that makes him somewhat more desirable, in a clingy sort of way, so she stays close to him.

Can you give me some examples of what jokes you felt were built up but fell flat?

I agree that this needs some work, but me and the people I've been working with have put it on the back burner for now while we work on another project, so I figured I'd throw it up here for some feedback/ideas.

Thanks

Hey,

Quoted from Shelton My main concern is your buying into Nick's change of heart, since there really wasn't supposed to be one.  He's an armed robber who just got hooked in with the wrong bunch of guys.  Even with the demise of Ace he said his piece, and he speaks out progressively more as the story goes on and things get worse.

I guess change of heart isn't exactly the most accurate phrase. You're right, he speaks out and is grumbling to himself all the time. What I was trying to get at was his inconsistency in what upsets him and how that transitions him into being opposed to Buzz and allied with the kids.

Example, he watches Buzz kill the guy at the counter and ace, he voices some concern then goes on with them. Later, when things start to heat up in the woods he draws the line. Really? He only disapproves of murder and the other stuff really gets to him.

Not only that, but he's willing to just get himself out and leave everyone else to get abused and raped. And yet still later he acts like a knight in shinning armor when helping everybody and giving Buzz a hard time for the stuff he does.

So, all in all, I agree that you get the point across but I think it was handled sloppily. I think Nick is inconsistent and about half way through he suddenly grows some balls and comes out of it in dialect opposition to Buzz so strongly that I had trouble swallowing it.

Quoted from Shelton Laurel's thing for him is more or less the result of the situation.  Nick is the only one in the group that resembles a hero, and that makes him somewhat more desirable, in a clingy sort of way, so she stays close to him.

I still stand by what I said before.

Quoted from Shelton Can you give me some examples of what jokes you felt were built up but fell flat?

The only thing that really stand out in my mind was the animal farm thing. There were some others I think but I don't remember specifically what. I think maybe also with Vince, Jerry, and Dan while they're driving to the party? Maybe when they meet them in the club too. Sorry, I couldn't be more specific and helpful but frankly I'm too lazy to look through it again.

sheepwalker

Quoted from Soap Hands ...he's willing to just get himself out and leave everyone else to get abused and raped. And yet still later he acts like a knight in shinning armor when helping everybody and giving Buzz a hard time for the stuff he does.

I'm not sure I know what you're saying.  Get himself out?

Quoted from Soap Hands The only thing that really stand out in my mind was the animal farm thing. There were some others I think but I don't remember specifically what. I think maybe also with Vince, Jerry, and Dan while they're driving to the party? Maybe when they meet them in the club too. Sorry, I couldn't be more specific and helpful but frankly I'm too lazy to look through it again.

Okay, I get it.  The Animal Farm thing wasn't really meant to be a joke though.

The guys...yeah that makes sense.  I wanted to make them dumbasses for the most part.

Hey,

Quoted from Shelton I'm not sure I know what you're saying.  Get himself out?

Sorry, I'm wasn't being more clear. I meant when he tried to walk away in the woods after they capture the kids.( thus abandoning the kids in the woods ti Buzz) Then Buzz threatens to shoot him so he stops.

He knew bad stuff was going to happen at that moment and he decides he wants to go. Yet latter he's indignant about what happens.

Is that the only point that needs clarification or was there other stuff?

sheepwalker

No, I got it.  Thanks for clearing it up...and for reading.

  
  Whether you decide to introduce the zombies earlier or stay with what you have, the abduction, implementing the element of surprise and characters that act rather then being just acted upon is more essential.

  Surprise doesn’t have to wait on zombies, before they even show up there’s already conflict amongst people who have a higher potential to be deceptive. I think there’s two elements of surprise, one having the character learn about another character, a situation or circumstance that surprise them and the audience, simultaneously. The other having the audience privy to information that some characters aren’t aware of, now, this does occur when Carrie sets up the group of teenagers, creating tension, but there’s also room for surprise here too. Get the audience thinking one way, Buzz and his gang are going to attack from the rear, but they come from front or side.

  
  Buzz himself doesn’t have much mystery behind him, he’s pretty up front, and he’s not very clever. When someone’s the driving force a majority of the story he/she better be entertaining as hell. I think you’re asking too much of him. Buzz is either acting or telling others how to act, which makes things, seem more repetitive. When the zombies make an appearance, it only changes format in that now Buzz has joined the group being acted upon and the zombies have token the place of Buzz. The common Parallel between both opponents displays how underused human deception is. The zombies can’t really impalement an element of surprise the same way Buzz, a human can. Buzz doesn’t, it just seems as though while there’s a lot of action, just not much plot.


Continued

  

  Nick nor the teens ever try to deceive Buzz or Pike to get an upper hand of sorts, you’re just watching events unfold, but when you’ve had a surprise a new element, dynamic tossed in it changes and then I want to see how things unfold, then another surprise, unfold with more action and so on and so forth until the biggest reveal that not only was Buzz responsible but so was Nick, which I like as a finale.

  It congers up a big theme, or discussion among ethics, which is, “Who’s to blame? Should a person who knows right from wrong and allow the wrong around him to continue bare a brunt of the guilt, if so how much?” I’m wondering did you do this intentionally? I think there’s something to be said about that.


  And you can make an argument in small ways by using comparisons of a small plot that part of the whole for example, driving while drunk, I can’t remember I think all the guys had been drinking at the party. Whichever one of the boys driving have them a hit deer or dog on the rode then discuss a little a bit about whose fault it is before driving off again. “Sure, he was driving, but did any of the girls object? Did any want to but didn’t? This undertone also creates a relationship for whoever that person is, like Laurel, and Nick cause similar situation, subtext.
  An audience may find the love interests between the two because they relate in that they play the same role in their respective groups. Next one of the girls is driving now after the guy hit the dog. And with a woman driving after what’s just happened there’s no question a woman behind the wheel is more inclined to stop for another woman, in need. When every urges her to drive on she feels guilty about not stepping up before now she does what she thinks is right. And through out the whole abduction the other teens may even blame her for pulling over.


Thanks for the read and your time. I'm looking forward to reading whatever is next.

Shelton, I read this this morning and want to add my thoughts on this script.

I still find it difficult to pass comment on other peoples hard work when I am not even close to having a feature started let alone finished, But there are some things in this that are really good and there are things I think need some more work.

I liked the premise and the story, anything that is not your run of the mill zombie film is great and this I think worked well. Your writing is spot on and saw no real issues with the formatting, the dialogue on the whole was good with only a few moments where It just did not feel totally convincing. But I am not really a great horror buff and whatever horror scripts I read I am never totally convinced by the dialogue in any of them, It is that whole "oh shit, someone has ripped John my best friends head off!, oh well lets head for the basement" I do sometimes wish there could be a more realistic way to deal with the death of a friend in horror movies but understand that is so difficult to do and still keep the flow and to keep the level of stupidity required from key characters in this genre.

Where your script failed for me was the number of characters, I think there were far too many to be honest and personally speaking it had a negative effect on the script for me. I counted 14 main characters plus the two that died early on, that is an awful lot to keep track on. I think this story would work much better with less, instead of three guys and gals from the party why not just make it two? The chase through the woods sequence did get quite confusing, It would be better to have had the main group all together in one chase, Buzz in another and the cops in a third, having the good guys splitting up was just a bit much for me.

I would also think of maybe leaving out the introduction to Jimmy and Everet until the scene at Everets cabin. It would be quite good to have all these guys running about the woods being chased by Zombies and then when they think it was bad enough the traps start appearing, As the viewer would have no idea who was setting the traps at first it would start to make us wonder if it was the zombies themselves or whatever. Of course back at the ranch we would find out then who Jimmy was and why he set the traps etc.. You could still have Jimmy make an appearance in the woods at some point but we would have no idea who he was, add a bit more mystery so to speak. I am not sure you need to set-up the story for the zombies at the beginning of the movie, some things are better not being explained until nearer the climax so the whole scene with Jimmy and Everet could be made redundant - thus helping with the issue of introducing so many characters at the beginning.

I think someone would have killed Buzz in the cabin, maybe even Brody - he seems a really weak ass cop and not sure what his role really was - he never did anything. I would have liked to have seen him take charge and become the central figure during the final act, killing Buzz would have helped achieve that.

Anyway they were the main points I picked up on, I really think this was a decent effort and can see a lot of good stuff in this, It could become a really good script with a bit more work.

Saying that though, what do I know?

Cheers Murphy

BLB and Murphy,

Thanks for looking through the script.  I appreciate your comments, but I'll be damned if I didn't have quite a laugh at a lot of what you said.

Not that there was anything wrong with any of it, but you both mentioned things that were  there in the very first draft of this script about a year ago.  It was only about 65 pages (It actually started at the 21st page of the script), and there was no Brody and Pete, no scenes with Jimmy and Everett at the beginning, and no Carrie.  Actually, in the first draft, Carrie was still a random hitchhiker, but instead of them pulling over to help her as she plods along the road, they hit her with the car when one of the guys decided to play "lights out".

I can see how things got confusing in the woods, and I struggled like hell trying to figure out a way to write it.  Everything was going on in the woods at that point, so it came down to Woods, Deep Woods, and Clearing.  Really a pain in the ass, but I decided to go that way cause it allowed the story to go off in a few different directions, and focus more on the characters individually.

I wouldn't worry about being qualified to review horror, Murphy.  It's not my genre either, as I'm much more comfortable working in Comedy.  I just like to branch out into other genres every so often when I get an idea that I think is worth it.  So far I think I've done a Horror, Action, Action/Horror, and various shorts that are all over the place.  Looking at my idea factory, the next thing I submit will most likely be a comedy, mainly because I've already started work on it.

Thanks again to both of you for reading.  Makes me think I may have been on the right track earlier on.

Hey Mike;

Read a shameless plug in the Trade review section, and you had mentioned that this featured vile and disgusting behaviors. So, here is my notes...Haven't read any other reviews, so plz exuse any redundancys...

Overall, thoroughly enjoyed it.

Haley needed a proper introduction, but starting off with a hot girl in her undies is always a good start...

Fred's face explodes "every which way", then two descriptions down the bottles falling also shatter "every which way".

Buzz establishes his character nicely with the episode in the liquor store, killing Ace and establishing the over the top Tarantino-esque tone that I think runs through most the piece...Structure reminded me alot of Dusk til Dawn...

Pg. 13 Uh-oh. Pete the cop is talking about years left to keep the peace. Death sentence imminent for poor ol' Pete.

Pg. 16. Jimmy. Seems mentally impaired, looking for "cemetery people"...Could there be zombus sapiens popping up? Bet the bear traps are going to be useful for something other than bears...

Figured Carrie was associated with Brody due to his obvious concern about her in the car...

I like how these early scenes are set up and paced- there is a beginning, a middle and a clear end to each sequence.

pg. 23 Pretty comic at this point..."Bending"...ouch...Haley's skirt being stuck...Both are funny...Also liked Jerry and Dan dancing through the crowd...Done that trick a few times...I like the names-every one is sounds different and it's pretty easy to tell who is who, even with the cast of characters that are assembled....

Pg. 31 Nice merging of the plotlines as the kids cruise by Carrie...

Pg. 42 - 46 Here's the vile part. Really hate Buzz at this point, and looking forward to him getting his...It's a critical moment as Nick starts to see Buzz more clearly...

pg. 51  the cemetary people are zombies...Creepy, silver eyed zombies...Is this the style of zombie that Vince is dressed as?

Pg. 59 How does Pete know Jimmy? Seems like he's just a crazy kid running through the woods...He might also speak in exclaimation points! He's emphatic about this...dont think he'd be matter of fact.

Pg. 65. Poor Vince...the costumed zombie getting eaten by the real zombies.

Pg. 72..Pete's death scene actually throws a little comedy in this stretch of story...his dry dialogue cracked me up...

Pg. 73 Liked the device of Pike having the flickering flashlight. That was a good character indicator...

Pg 75. Liked Nicks line about the carnival...fit perfectly for the seen it all from all sides character that he is

I don't think they all would have tolerated banding together with Buzz at this point. I think Nick would have killed him point blank first chance he got, come what may...

Pg. 92. I new that unboarded window in the bathroom would be a problem...They'll always find a way inside...

Pg. 101...Huh? How does he see Jimmy when the others don't?Might be that Jimmy was among the pressing horde, but the others would have noticed that he was relatively fresh compared to his decayed compadres...

I felt let down in the end. Buzz was so evil, so vile, he really deserved every thing that Tara got, if not more so...He dies pretty plain, not a major showdown between the two sources of evil...Perhaps if he banged his way into the bathroom to attempt to rape Tara again, and he is by the window and gets his legs ripped off...the punishment didn't fit the crime...His death needed to be more evil, more vile, more gruesome than what everyone else got...And, please, save Tara...Poor girl's been through enough...

Wow, thanks for bringing this one up from the depths.  Well sort of, it was still on the first page I think, but it's always nice to get a bump, especially for a feature.

You did manage to comment on a few thinsg that were mentioned by others, but your reaction to the script seems to be a little bit different than most.  Mainly in that you liked it.

A few responses, not necessarily in order.

I noticed a few of the things you commented on were in regards to certain formulaic elements of horror, or some other movies for that matter.  The "two days to retirement" cop getting his, and the virginal, good girl aspect.  These were some things I really wanted to turn around on its ear.  Sure,  Pete got his, but I think he lasted a little longer than usual anyway, and Tara's whole situation.  Well, I can't change that.  That's just a whole switch on the genre for me.  The good girls gets it while the slut (Haley lives).  Laurel was more on the fence.  Haley actually died in an earlier draft.  Buzz threw her to the zombies on the porch.

The cemetery people are definitely zombies, but I wanted to create a different visual with them.  Hopefully my description was something you found cool in your mind's eye.  Vince's costume was more like a standard zombie.

Thanks for catching the every which way thing.  definitely redundant.

The unboarded window was definitely an easy plot device.  Somebody has to die because of a slip up, right.  I couldn't eliminate ALL the conventions.

Pete knew Jimmy cause he's the sheriff in a relatively small area where everybody knows everybody.

I liked the thing with Pike's light too.  I thought it would make for a good scare moment, and also help to identify him.  It was hard as hell writing a script that takes place in various parts of the woods (hence some of the sluglines) and trying to keep tabs on everybody.

And Buzz's death.  I suppose it can come off as somewhat anti-climactic, but is it just the way it goes down or his reaction (or lack therof) that does it for you?  To me, I liked the idea of him pulling off one last dick move by using his very last bullet on Nick.  Maybe if I described him getting torn apart in more detail?  Actually having him scream?

I'm glad to see that you were able to differentiate between the characters, since I started to wonder based on some previous feedback about that, and they all seemed to be relatively different to me.  It's a lot of overload up front in intro'ing them all, but after that 15 page mark it's all down hill from there.

Thanks again for reading.

And Buzz's death.  I suppose it can come off as somewhat anti-climactic, but is it just the way it goes down or his reaction (or lack therof) that does it for you?  To me, I liked the idea of him pulling off one last dick move by using his very last bullet on Nick.  Maybe if I described him getting torn apart in more detail?  Actually having him scream?

I think its just the way it goes down...It's like in Raiders, the evil Nazi just gets shot by Indy instead of opening the Ark and having his face melt...He needs a face melting, a this guy is getting everything he deserves kind of of exit...

Throw him to the zombies, (which I did like the descriptions...a bit more demonic than the standard Romero zombies lumbering around). Give him what Tara got. Let him die because of the slip up and his insatiable lust for Tara...

I liked to see conventions turned upside down and backwards...Had no problem with Tara getting in trouble (in a movie sense of course and not because I dated a girl named Tara and it didn't go so well)...I did think for a while that Buzz was gonna get John Bobbitt-ed (Or Garped if you remember that old movie) by Haley (pg 84), though...Have Haley get Buzz in the bathroom by the window and Bam! Triple whammy! Gets the member chomped off while Zombies chomp of everything else...Course, she has to spit the severed Mr. Happy back in his face...

It did get a little confusing with the two groups running about in the woods, but not terribly so...If it were filmed, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I read the other reviews, and I can see some of the points, however I don't think there are any characters that are extraneous or do nothing advance the plot...In a horror movie, you got to have victims, and to be effective they have to be victims you know at least a little about...Fred and Ace build Buzz's Character...the girls play off each other in terms of contrast (like the club scene) and the guys with their priest and tarzan costumes are more than just expendable people...I'm sure there were a mess of characters introduced in all the friday the 13th pictures, too...Just the nature of the genre...It was alot more interesting to see Pete get slammed with that trap than Victim #4...

Quoted from Shelton And Buzz's death.  I suppose it can come off as somewhat anti-climactic, but is it just the way it goes down or his reaction (or lack therof) that does it for you?  To me, I liked the idea of him pulling off one last dick move by using his very last bullet on Nick.  Maybe if I described him getting torn apart in more detail?  Actually having him scream?

I think its just the way it goes down...It's like in Raiders, the evil Nazi just gets shot by Indy instead of opening the Ark and having his face melt...He needs a face melting, a this guy is getting everything he deserves kind of of exit...

Throw him to the zombies, (which I did like the descriptions...a bit more demonic than the standard Romero zombies lumbering around). Give him what Tara got. Let him die because of the slip up and his insatiable lust for Tara...

I liked to see conventions turned upside down and backwards...Had no problem with Tara getting in trouble (in a movie sense of course and not because I dated a girl named Tara and it didn't go so well)...I did think for a while that Buzz was gonna get John Bobbitt-ed (Or Garped if you remember that old movie) by Haley (pg 84), though...Have Haley get Buzz in the bathroom by the window and Bam! Triple whammy! Gets the member chomped off while Zombies chomp of everything else...Course, she has to spit the severed Mr. Happy back in his face...

It did get a little confusing with the two groups running about in the woods, but not terribly so...If it were filmed, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I read the other reviews, and I can see some of the points, however I don't think there are any characters that are extraneous or do nothing advance the plot...In a horror movie, you got to have victims, and to be effective they have to be victims you know at least a little about...Fred and Ace build Buzz's Character...the girls play off each other in terms of contrast (like the club scene) and the guys with their priest and tarzan costumes are more than just expendable people...I'm sure there were a mess of characters introduced in all the friday the 13th pictures, too...Just the nature of the genre...It was alot more interesting to see Pete get slammed with that trap than Victim #4...[/quote]

Okay, I can see where you're coming from with the Buzz bit, and I'm definitely familiar with Garp.  I catch that one on cable every so often.

Member biting, eh?  Hmmm...I always thought of this as kind of a hybrid of The Last House on the Left and Night of the Living Dead.  Could the member biting be in the cards?  I plan on tweaking with this a little bit yet once things start to slow down for me, so I may try to work that in.

I had a decent sized review up(which you responded to, Mike), but it got erased when the boards went down.

All I've got to say is that this is a really good horror script that's not as popular as it should be! It's great characters and an awsome premise.

The zombies in this are great. They seem original compared to other zombies. I love how they couldn't die.

Format and everything is great, as usual with your stuff Mike. Descriptions where short and simple.

I like the curveball you through at us by having Tara be killed. I didn't see that coming.

Good script and I'd love to see a sequel! If you haven't read this yet... read it!

~Zack~

I know I said it might be a few days before I had something up...then I wound up reading it immediately after in one sitting haha.  

Jeez, Shelton, this was a lot darker than anything I've ever read from you.  You have a really daring story here because of the extreme mixing of characters and I think this is kind of like two stories in one.  The first half I really enjoyed, but the second half not so much.  I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of the script because it was bold, brutal, vicious, and real.  The second half, though, it felt like the intensity went down and the characters turned one dimensional.  

I like how the criminal gang operated and as evil as Buzz was, I liked him because he was an incredibly effective character.  I think he goes down as one of the best villains I've seen on this site because of his atrocious behavior mixed with sharp dialogue throughout as well as his demeanor.  The girls and the guys I think could have been expanded a bit, but as is I was able to follow them without issue.  If anything, I think Brody and Pete were only there for another side story.  If they were taken out, nothing would really be different, it would just be 10 pages shorter.  

I was astounded when the violence in the woods started with Buzz leading the action.  I mean, that was really bad stuff but you executed it well to really trigger an emotion while reading.  A lot of brutal scripts I've read on here involve all kinds of blood, violence, guts, chainsaws, etc., but I think the "multicolored red and brown stain" was just top of the mountain.  Now that's a top shock factor.  And the fact that Buzz remained so "laid back" during it all made it all the more wild.  That whole scene there with Buzz violating everyone...that was intense.  That's effective brutality that doesn't necessarily need blood and guts to succeed.

So that was the first half.  As I said, I really enjoyed it up to that point, but once the zombies came it actually became a little frustrating to read at times.  Buzz was a scene stealer because he was such a lunatic so it wasn't him.  It was mostly everyone else because most of the dialogue that poured out of their mouths were "I don't know" or "What is that?" and "I don't know!" again.  I did like how the group split up there with some of the innocents even going with Buzz.  I didn't like how it bounced around from the Buzz gang to the two cops(who didn't really add anything) and then to Jimmy, and then back to Nick and his group.  If the cops were more heavily involved then I think it may have been different, but as of now it just didn't work for me.

I think you should add a scene where they actually explore the graveyard.  Having that kinda stuff in the middle of the woods is really cool.

When they were all couped up in Everett's house, again I felt a little frustrated because Buzz and Nick kept going at each other - like 4 times in fact - but there wasn't any resolution.  And Nick was a total puss when standing up to Buzz, man.  I mean, earlier on he was fine, but in the house he just seemed terrified of Buzz.  None of his threats or insults really seemed effective and I think since Nick is trying to redeem himself and be a hero, they should have been.

That whole scene, though, was interesting because you're bringing all of these characters together...three different extremes actually, and they acted the way you'd think they'd act.  Buzz was still a dickfore, the girls were still shooken up from being violated, Everett has no idea as to what's going on, etc.  The structure of the character interaction redeemed itself there, but it was when they were running from the zombies where I think it came apart.

So as I said: the first half I really, really enjoyed.  Despite what I said about the second half, I can't say that I didn't like it.  As a whole, I enjoyed the script because right from the start the action takes you in.  There were about 20 pages where it lagged in the woods with the zombies, but the character situations really made for interesting conflicts.  So nice job here, really.  I'd like to see you do the darker stuff more often because, at least with this sample, you're really good at it.

It was a pleasure, Shelton!

I read this a while back and I liked it? How different is this new version? I'm thinking about giving it another look. I'm guessing it's different enough to start a whole new thread for it. Would I be right?

Quoted from James McClung I read this a while back and I liked it? How different is this new version? I'm thinking about giving it another look. I'm guessing it's different enough to start a whole new thread for it. Would I be right?

It's quite different than the one you originally read, since I added a few more characters and beefed it up with character development in the first half.  What you read before is essentially the last half of this script.

It's a new thread because I took the original script down to rework it, and I knew it was going to take awhile, so I played it safe and didn't subject anyone to it.

Greg,

Thanks for the feedback.  I'll respond in more detail later.

Hey Mike, is this the script formerly known as 'Disposable Heroes'?  I recall that one being posted a long time ago and then I think it was taken down...or I could be completely wrong.

And James, I would recommend taking another look at it.  I think any fan of horror will definitely find this script enjoyable.

Quoted from greg Hey Mike, is this the script formerly known as 'Disposable Heroes'?  I recall that one being posted a long time ago and then I think it was taken down...or I could be completely wrong. And James, I would recommend taking another look at it.  I think any fan of horror will definitely find this script enjoyable.

Nope, Disposable Heroes is a completely different script.  It's still on here, but probably way back in the Horror section somewhere.  If I were to post it today, I'd probably put it in Action, but the horror element is there I guess.

What James was referring to was a 65 odd page earlier draft that he read.  All of that stuff is in here, it's just expanded upon and spread a little more throughout.

And thanks for the recommend.  While I'm here, I guess I should respond to your previous comments...

I can totally see where you're coming from in regards to the first half being real and the second half falling off a little for you.  Obviously, it's because of the element that's introduced, but it definitely makes a lot of sense.  When I try to explain the structure of it, the easiest way to do it is to say that's structured like From Dusk Till Dawn.  It begins like a crime drama, but then the rug gets pulled out from under you and it becomes a monster movie.  

This is definitely the darkest thing I've ever written, and with you having read most, if not all, of my previous comedies, it probably does come as quite a surprise.  I'm glad that I was somewhat successful with it though.  I always get nervous when I step out of my comfort zone, but to me, it's one of the best ways I can think of to grow as a writer and hone my skill.

Buzz seems to get mixed reviews for the most part.  When he's in the limelight, he's the man basically because he's the driving force behind everything, but when things switched, not so much because he's not the true antagonist any longer.  It's weird.

I'm glad that you were able to get what I was going for in the "violation" scene, without it seeming like it was too over the top.  I definitely wanted it to have some shock value, but be more dramatic than just flat out gross.

I never actually put it down on paper, but for a time I considered everything going down in the graveyard, and then being thrown into it as they watch these bodies emerge from the ground instead of seeing them approach via a road flare.  Ultimately, I thought it was a little hokey so I opted for what's in there.

Pete and Brody aren't essential characters by any means.  I brought them into the expansion because I expanded the role of Carrie (in the original there is no Carrie, just a chick that gets hit by a car and causes the group to stop) and wanted to give her some tie to the outside in order to up her stakes a little.  Jimmy and Everett were also expanded after originally only appearing at Everett's cabin, and Jimmy not showing up until he's a zombie.

Most people have suggested making Nick a little more consistent, so I'm definitely going to work on that in the next go round, as well as some of the goings on in the woods.  That was a huge pain in the ass to write, and it would probably look ultra siple on film...haha.

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it for the most part.

Hey Mike, I remember this one being like 60 pages or something when I first read it so you did add a lot to it.

I think you should have opened up  with the robbery, then have the scene with Tara and Haley, I think opening it with some action would be a better way to go IMO.

Buzz, Nick, Pike and Ace, what?  Are these guys Porn stars?

I'm kinda baffled by Nick's conversion, how he ends up being the nice guy so quickly, maybe if he was Buzz's son or something it would make a little more sense why he was part of the robbery.

I liked how we have to wait for the zombie part of the story, almost half way through, kind of like from dusk till dawn.

I was imagining Ted Levine as Buzz for some reason, I just wish there was a great big fat person in it.

I liked the stuff in the woods more than the stuff in the house, maybe cause it is a little too much like night of the living dead, I think it would be cooler and scarier if the whole story took place in the dark woods, just a thought.

I liked the over the top gore and the over the top way Buzz acts, you make him one evil son of a bitch.

The young people are not as interesting as Buzz, Pete and Everett, I think they have the best lines in the script and are the most fleshed out even though they don't have as many scenes.  Jimmy seems to be a bit of a waste, maybe a little more with him and his dad beofre he goes out.

Anyways this was a good gross out script and I wouldn't be surprised to see you get this one picked up sometime, there is always an audience for these kind of films,.