LOL Thanks Tod - appreciate the read! Sleep fast!

I come from the "club" thread with a full review.  I'm sometimes very blunt so fair warning.    

    The big, global comment is that the script is a bit unfocused and lacks any real throughline.

     What is the story?  What is supposed to draw the reader through ninety odd pages? As currently written it’s Adam because there is a beginning, middle and end to his plotline.  But around Adam there is a swarm of janitors who occupy the majority of the script’s pages who never seem to be much more than cannon fodder.  

      We start with a long five page hunt and kill sequence that features a mob of unnamed characters and an unseen creature.  The piece then becomes an eight page sequence of exposition and character intros of two sets of janitors in two different locations.  And in these lead-in pages nothing much happens. The fact that Malcolm’s nameless secretary finds him dreamy does nothing to build the story.  The dialogue of Malcolm and Baxter is two full pages of exposition that stops the action cold. Then there is page after page of the writer trying to establish the characters in the Clean-Up Crew separated from the story. As a writer you have to create and establish your characters within the story.  This isn’t a character study, it’s an action piece and you can’t just do pages that don’t contribute to the narrative to get the names in play and the basic relationships in place. Readers are going to tune out because there’s no build or obvious purpose of the scenes.

     At page fourteen, Adam and his various relationships with Badami, Hoskins and Malcolm come into play. Adam quickly becomes the most developed character in the piece because from the point he’s introduced there’s conflict and his place in the story is clear.  The script then cuts back to the Clean-Up Crew and a three and half page scene of them eating.  The scene introduces two more characters and reveals that they are eventually going to get to the chemical plant.

       Once all the characters are in the plant the real action is set to begin.  The only thing that stands between the reader and the story is a series of scenes with the guards discussing food and page long scenes of the Clean-Up Crew, well, cleaning.  Then Adam fights with Hoskins and is free.  He sets the other monsters free and the chase-and-escape section of the movie begins.

     And it all seems a little labored.  There are so many monster types and characters it feels like real work for the writer to keep them all moving.  There is no sense of jeopardy or escalation or onward progression.  

     Part of it is because the Crew means little to the reader.  Only at 22 page mark does the writer marry his janitor characters to the story about genetic experiments.  Up until then there have been two stories without any real connection and one of those stories is nothing but a bunch of people chatting.

     The other thing that slows down the narrative is the way the action is scripted. The writer is doing a series of shot lists and not action sequences.  It’s a given that action-heavy scripts use short or fragmented bursts but the fragments are an onward progression.  Bob RUNS. Tom PURSUES. Tom and Bob FIGHT for the KNIFE (and, yes, the capping of the action and the key prop is pretty much expected in an action script).  What the writer has a tendency to do is intercut.  He sets something up and then there’s another beat and then he cuts back to the initial beat and there’s a slight progression or more description and then he cuts to something else.  It makes the pages difficult to time and slow to read.  The scene at the top of page 63 for example is half a page and is written as a series of seven shots but how much screentime would it take for Trish to run from the dog and slam the door on it?

       Monsters attack, Spook and Ricky die and the surviving cleaners along with Baxter find their way to Adam and Badami.  Two pages later Malcolm shows up with a monologue after a sixty page absence.  If you can lose a character for sixty pages maybe you don’t need him?  What purpose does he serve that Badami and Baxter couldn’t?  

     Malcolm and Adam have a confrontation and they both die.  Then what seems to be the central story ends but the movie doesn’t.  The Crew escapes, spots the super monster and kills it pretty easily in four pages (less than the page count devoted to the opening sequence in the script). Then the movie ends.

     The big challenge here for the writer is that he has to come up with a way to make the script work as a whole.  There’s a Sci-Fi Channel genetic-experiment-monster-movie trying to occupy space with a comedy-action movie.  Based on the title of the script the action-comedy is meant to be the central thread.  A possible route - we start with the hunt scene, Malcolm references having to send a unit to clean up the mess, cut to the janitors in the parking lot at the plant unloading their buckets and mops complaining about life at the 5-10 page mark.  They are there as a group from the beginning.  One of them (Spook because he has walking, talking proof of all his crazy theories or Chan because he’s just wired that way) is involved in helping Adam escape. They are trying to get out, Malcolm sends the other monsters after them and the chase is on.  There are many other ways to merge the two threads of the story but they really need to be brought together quickly and cleanly.

   And just an FYI, and I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but a large percentage of Asian-Americans considers “Oriental” to be a racial slur.  

Hi Tierney, thanks for the read. Yes you're blunt but also I see you being constructive, which is good. Constructive critiques are always good, someone just saying "this sucks" shows they have little to offer.

I agree with some of your points, you say some things that make a lot of sense now, looking back. I had long felt that YES - I had dangerously spaced out action in the first act, but felt with the introduction of mysteries ( Adam /creatures/his escape) that there was enough to keep the story moving, But maybe not.  It was a purposeful move to keep the Clean Up Crew to the side in the beginning, introducing them as the story progressed with Adam, until there was chaos and they all met.

Aside from a major reconstruction of the beginning, you point on Malcolm is good es I do need to resolve his disappearing for a big chunk of time. I think he can be combined with someone else, Badami or Baxter.

The bulleted style of action writing - still on the fence there. I've used that for a long time and long felt it added momentum to the action but also you're very clear when you say it's a series of shots; and SLOWING down or being hard to read is something I don't want. In more recent stuff I've dropped using it continuously, and am rethinking it even more now. And why hasn't anyone mentioned I stole that from William Goldman? He gets away with a lot in his scripts because he IS William Goldman, but that particular technique always appealed to me. If people aren't reading Goldman's stuff, shame on you, you need to - now.

I like the idea of Spook helping Adam escape, being proof of his crazy theories. Like that a lot.

So yes, your input is appreciated. Overall it's a script I'd liked a lot but felt it needed reworking - I'm not one who thinks his work is untouchable. Since this was sacrificed as the first "club" thread, I intend on taking everyone's feedback and doing a rewrite , likely at the end of the summer. I hope I can count on a fresh read once it's completed.

The way I see this is a "survival" flick like the Alien or Jurassic Park films. A bunch of people are tossed into a dangerous situation and trapped, so the goal of the story is to get out. While attempting to escape, they are faced with a variety of dangerous creatures, but all the while we know about the worst of the bunch they must face at the end.

Look at Jurassic Park. Big intro. Fantastic situation and creatures. You can FEEL the danger but it's all for show. Then everything goes wrong, and our characters are trapped all over this island. How will they get out? Is their goal to beat the creatures? Nope. Their goal is to get out in one piece. The dinosaurs in Jurassic Park weren't defeated. The Aliens weren't defeated...entirely. Our people survived the encounter; that's it.

So here, the danger must be firmly established. The mystery of the manster is ok, but we need more of it to really feel how dangerous this thing is. We also have to encounter it before the ending. Their final battle before their escape HAS to be with this creature. You have the freaky rottweiler and cockroaches, but what if these final encouters were with the manster instead? You don't have to show him in full yet. But parts of him would be cool.

But then, if this is a survival flick, let's deal with the issue of Malcolm and Adam. Adam is the intelligent one who can somehow control all the others. Ok. Malcolm is the evil genius. Ok. But do we need the megalomaniac bit where the plan to take over the world is explained? Yeah, it's joked about, but it still happens. The trouble here is that we're barely acquainted with Adam or Malcolm, so their relationship and how it turns with Badami and Baxter is all very nice, but it seems to only exist to explain what all this is and then you have to do something with them, so you kill them off. Hm. Could there be a way to incorporate their demise into the greater drama of the escape? After all, it isn't important to tell our Clean Up Crew why things are going on. They don't use that information for anything.

Another thought to consider is whether that whole bit is really suited to the story, or if it's really too much considering how much else is going on.

Let's talk about the bugs. Within the fabric of the escape, the bugs are biomechanical creatures who devour people. Swell. In the megalomanical explanation, they carry disease. Nice idea, but stick to the story. Bugs that attack in a large enough number to eat people. Wow. Oh but wait again. Where'd all this come from? What does it have to do with the rest of the tale? Early exposition indicates cross-breeding, and Adam exemplifies that. Spook has even heard of it. Biomechanical critters is completely out of left field. Then we come back to Malcolm's plan at the end, which mostly fits the original intent. You need to stick to one idea or introduce all of the evil experiments so they don't feel so cheap. One biomechanical cockroach is enough to show us the goings-on so the giant spider can show us how far they've taken it.

In addition, biomechanial anything doesn't come up until page 63. This means we've been watching this flick for an hour, and now you give us something new, especially when the monster type has been established. You add in an army of cockroaches after that, which cannot be held in traditional cells as you've presented them.

The story itself isn't that bad. It would make for an entertaining film. It would make the top film lists, but it's also not meant to. For a fast action survival film, this would deliver pretty well, but you just need to keep it moving and relevant to what's going on, especially at the end. The truck chase as it is is a cheap tag that makes me think you forgot about your big monster and to make everyone a hero. It's too late for that. They need to face him inside the facility, and he be all that prevents them from escaping. Maybe Malcolm can be torn apart by him. Might make a nice ending for him. Adam could try to control the manster, but oh wait, he resists, and Adam can't control him any longer. Sacrifice the snake man for the good of the rest, but it takes everyone and their specific skills established to that point to defeat the bad guy. Or something, right? Just some thoughts.

Like I said, it works fairly well. There are a few things that I think need work, but hey, that's my opinion, and you do with it what you will.

Quick note - when I have a bit more time will do a full reply...the coda action scene with the Manster was modeled on those few Bond flicks when a villian ( a hencman usually) comes back AFTER the main plot has wrapped up for one last short action bit. That's it. That was my idea with the manster and the ending...a little nod to those Bond flicks. But it just looks like it didn't work as is...

Thanks for the read George I liked your feedback very much and will reply soon.

When a henchman does show up on the rare occasion after the defeat of the main villain, it's usually a quick kill or "subdue-ance" for Bond. I don't off hand recall one that had an all out action sequence beyond a short fistfight, and most of the time, if anyone comes back for one final shot, it's the villain.

I can't think of too many out of the 21 that bring back the henchman, and I don't think any of those give him/her a big action sequence.

Oh, and you're very welcome.