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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Purgatory by Robert Skotte (sniper) - Horror, Drama - After a halted execution, prison guards, inmates and a civilian - each with their own agenda - must team up against a horde of infected flesh eaters in order to make it out of prison alive. 105 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Snipe -- is this a reworking of your earlier prison script?

I cannot find that one now, but had always intended to give it a look-over at some point.  Time gets away, and all that.  (Plus it was kind of long...but I still think the premise is rock-solid.)

Did you pull the other one down?  Give us some background on this one -- if this is what I think it is, I will try to find some time for you sooner rather than later.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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jwent6688
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first 15. Very crisp and intriguing. Not known for my reviews, but definitely plan on finishing. Just don't have a couple hours to kill at this point.

Love the way you write action. Others could learn IMO. I will be back.

James


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screenrider
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Sniper,

Quick read.   Although there's nothing really new here that hasn't been seen before, you've managed to tell it in a way that held my interest.   I don't know if I'd pay $9.00 to see it at a theater, but I'd definitely rent it on Netflix.   Your writing style is excellent.   The story is intense.  A hundred mile an hour ride.   The character's are gritty.   I imagined Gerard Butler as the role of Riker and it worked.  

I think you could come up with a better title.   Purgatory just sounds kinda cheesy, IMO.   Other than that I have no complaints.   Oh wait -- I take that back.   Killing off the Christian guy was unforgivable.   I liked him.      I also really liked Ava's "what if" moment (pg. 87-89).   Very creative.   As for the ending it kinda fell flat (for me)  I think you could come up with something better.   But overall, well done.   This script could be your calling card to Hollywood.   Send out queries to Literary Agents and shop it around.   I spotted a few typos.  

Pg. 55
TYRESE
Why did God chose him? All those
questions, Iíve been there.
(you mean choose?)

Pg. 70                
TYRESE
Listen. We need to make a
discission.

Pg 95
Stackers backwards.
(You mean staggers?)

Ava grabs Rikerís by the wrist.
(grabs Riker by the wrist --
or grabs Riker's wrist)

Most memorable moment::

TYRESE
When itís your turn to face Saint
Peter, tell him I vouch for you.

RIKER
When that time comes, Iím gonna
tell him: ďPete, you look an awful
lot like the DevilĒ.

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
screenrider  -  August 25th, 2010, 11:15pm
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sniper
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Snipe -- is this a reworking of your earlier prison script?

Hey, Bert. Well, it started out as a rewrite of The Bay (it's still here) but it turned into something very different. New characters, new storyline, new arcs and a much smaller budget. The only things really that are similar is the setting - a prison - and the infected. Everything else is more or less from scratch. I actually got the idea for this story (or at least the scene in the execution chamber) when I replied to a comment on The Bay. Funny how things work out.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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sniper
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
I read the first 15. Very crisp and intriguing. Not known for my reviews, but definitely plan on finishing. Just don't have a couple hours to kill at this point.

Love the way you write action. Others could learn IMO. I will be back.

Thanks for the kind words, James. Look forward to hearing your overall thoughts.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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sniper
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael,

Thanks for the read. I'm glad it kept you interested. What is it with you and Gerard Butler?   I remember you said the same thing about the main character in The Bay.


Quoted from screenrider
I think you could come up with a better title.   Purgatory just sounds kinda cheesy, IMO.

Really? I thought it fit not only the story as a whole but also the character arcs - especially Ava's.


Quoted from screenrider
Other than that I have no complaints.   Oh wait -- I take that back.   Killing off the Christian guy was unforgivable.   I liked him.  

I had a feeling you would. Believe or not, that character was actually inspired by you - and no, this doesn't mean I want you dead . I thought his death was actually rather noble and when you think about it he's really the main reason Ava is able to move on with her life (for however long that may be). A very important character.


Quoted from screenrider
I also really liked Ava's "what if" moment (pg. 87-89).   Very creative.

I'm really glad you "got" it. I showed a different version to a couple of people and they didn't get it at all so I added those three short scenes earlier in the script and also added her "explanation" in the final scene in the sewer. It might be overkill now but it is very important that the reader "gets" it.


Quoted from screenrider
As for the ending it kinda fell flat (for me)  I think you could come up with something better.

Do you mean the end-end or the ending with Ava? I personally like both of them (obviously). The "end-end" is supposed to be a mirror of the opening blood scene. Actually, the opening scene pretty much tells the entire story in broad strokes. Ava's ending was added in a rewrite because I felt the character needed closure - while still leaving it kind of ambiguous.


Quoted from screenrider
This script could be your calling card to Hollywood.

I can live with that  

Thanks for the read.

Cheers
Rob


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stevie
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rob!

I gave you my thoughts a few eeks ago in the pre-read, but thought I'd post as well.
SR got it in one with the flow that your scripts have - every one of yours I've read has been a very fast read.
I dunno if it's the one spaced action lines or the crisp action itself - probably a combo of both.
I liked the way you took The Bay's basic premise and gave it a look from a different angle.
As usual big fella, nice work.

Cheers stevie



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sniper
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie,

Thanks for chiming in. This draft is a little different from the draft you read. I got rid of most of the one liners, added a scene in an air duct and changed the way the sewer scene ends.



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screenrider
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper

Do you mean the end-end or the ending with Ava?


Ava's ending was perfect.  The end-end was overkill,   Everything after page 100 just wasn't needed, IMO.
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sniper
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Well, I guess this a case of need-to-have vs nice-to-have, Michael. Granted, it was not entirely needed to end the story but it was nice to have in order to end the story the way I wanted it to end.


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screenrider
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Well, I guess this a case of need-to-have vs nice-to-have, Michael. Granted, it was not entirely needed to end the story but it was nice to have in order to end the story the way I wanted it to end.


By all means.    

I've just always liked strange endings.  I think it would've been cool to end it at Ava's last line of dialogue.  "What the hell's wrong with you people".  Shoots them a disgusted look, then stares out the window.  

Different folks, dfferent strokes.     I'm gonna shut up now.
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jwent6688
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Robert, as promised. Realy like your opening scene. Watching the virus mutate and go airborn.

pg 4.
Dressed in a feminine three piece
business suit - last yearís model. - since you already described her as no super model in the same passage, i thought your description of her outfit semed a bit  redundant. Maybe 'Last years fashion"?

pg 43.
As if a bomb when off in here. - typo

Found it a bit far fetched they thought anitbiotics would help Glen. The shape he was in. Also, that they never put it together that he may be infected like everyone else.


I may have missed it. Thought Ava said go up in the stairwell. Now they're in a sewer. Gotta tell ya, The prison chase scene with Ava and Riker ran very long to me. Almost gave up a couple of times.

Well, all in all this was just okay for me. It's a damn bloody mess, wich I'm guessing is your kinda flick. Never read any of your stuff before. That type of horror was never my bag. I like a low body count and alot more eeriness.

You've built some good tension in scenes. The one where Glen reawakens as the power flickers was a fave.

You also had some nice characterization. Tyrese's blind faith that god will save them was A nice arc. He even held onto it at his last minute. Thought you were gonna have him lose his faith there at the end. He also had a nice backstory. Him taking out Nolan the way he did was good. Very good.

Ava's dream felt a bit odd to me. She started to have this revelation even before the outbreak. Would almost like here to have a complete dream that ended happy. The life she had stolen. Then, have her revisit it again with the current apocolypse in her mind.

Also, I got that the virus was airborne from your opener. Apparently misunderstood because they were only infected by being bitten. I also thought they had Ava and Riker got bitten when they first left the mile. I didn't go back and re-read. I'm sure you've dotted your i's there.

Then, well, it pretty much just ends. No explanation to the virus. No way of knowing if man survives this. Guess you wanted an opening for a sequel.

This would be pretty low budget though. Just a few strong actors, a prison, and a shitload of blood. Also get that you're quite fond of you're weaponry too. Very descriptive.

Hope this helps some. I enjoyed it mostly. There's definitely an audience for this. I can't say I'm really one of them.

Nice clean writing though. Good descriptions.

James


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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The Great Dane has written another feature! Congrats dude. You know I'll read it as soon as these 7WC get out of the way...or in betwixed.

I always enjoy your writing.  


.
SS, is still free...
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sniper
Posted: August 27th, 2010, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey, James.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this one.


Quoted from jwent6688
Found it a bit far fetched they thought anitbiotics would help Glen. The shape he was in. Also, that they never put it together that he may be infected like everyone else.

Fair point. I guess they could've done a) nothing, b) killed him themselves or c) go after the antibiotics which ever way you're leaning. I chose the latter because I didn't feel those characters would just let him die without giving him some for m of help. About them not adding two and two together, I hear ya. I purposefully kept the characters in the dark about what in reality was happening - and assumed they hadn't watched any Zombie movies - so that it from their point of view would seem at least plausible that they didn't "get" what was going on.


Quoted from jwent6688
I may have missed it. Thought Ava said go up in the stairwell. Now they're in a sewer. Gotta tell ya, The prison chase scene with Ava and Riker ran very long to me. Almost gave up a couple of times.

There's a short scene after they go up the stairs where they are chased back down into the basement. As for the length of the chase, well, it was really the only moment where Ava and Riker could bond - sort of - so I prolonged it a bit. And on a personal note, I love writing this shit. It's much easier when you can use all sorts of settings like car chases, roof top chases and what not but when you're limited to a single location you've gotta squeeze it for all it's worth.


Quoted from jwent6688
Well, all in all this was just okay for me. It's a damn bloody mess, wich I'm guessing is your kinda flick. Never read any of your stuff before. That type of horror was never my bag. I like a low body count and alot more eeriness.

Well, I guess the bloodiness kinda goes with the genre.


Quoted from jwent6688
Ava's dream felt a bit odd to me. She started to have this revelation even before the outbreak.

Yeah, but the revelation starts out completely benign, just her at home being happy, being pregnant. It's not until after the first attack that the revalation changes in nature.


Quoted from jwent6688
Would almost like here to have a complete dream that ended happy. The life she had stolen. Then, have her revisit it again with the current apocolypse in her mind.

That's a good idea. I like that one.


Quoted from jwent6688
Also, I got that the virus was airborne from your opener. Apparently misunderstood because they were only infected by being bitten. I also thought they had Ava and Riker got bitten when they first left the mile. I didn't go back and re-read. I'm sure you've dotted your i's there.

I left is sort of fuzzy as to how it actually spreads - and who's imune to the new strain. A bite definitely turns you and you can get infected through through the airborne particles but the airborne stuff usually don't survive that long in the air. I didn't feel like getting into a whole scientific explanation of the stuff in the script
but I guess a few words here and there wouldn't hurt.

And no, Riker and Ava don't get bitten in that scene.


Quoted from jwent6688
Then, well, it pretty much just ends. No explanation to the virus. No way of knowing if man survives this. Guess you wanted an opening for a sequel.

Never box yourself in  

Again, thanks for the read and the suggestions.

Cheers
Rob


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