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He Listens He Waits by James (GreenGecko) - Horror - Four college students are kidnapped by a deranged teenage boy, but released with one rule: "don't tell anyone or die." For justice, answers, and peace of mind, a man-hating slut has trouble turning to her friends for help from her kidnapper turned stalker. 77 pages - pdf, format
I could open it and read the first few pages despite the logline. You have one piece of VO at the beginning but to me it's not really enough to set the tone. Also, we get a lot of dialogue between the three girls,but I still don't get a sense of who they are by the dialogue. If you are going to stay with that first VO block you need to really make it better...give us some mystery...it sounds horrific but I think it needs some work. I may try to read more this week at work. Wow on finishing a feature length. Hard stuff....writing.
I'll try to revise: In fear of being attacked again, a frightened college girl must convince her absurd friend to call the police after being kidnapped and released by a strange man. Her absurd friend promised they wouldn't call the police and will do anything to stop her.
Okay, that's not a whole lot better. I'll think about it. In the end, the idea probably isn't feature-worthy, and "frightened" isn't really a character trait.
To boot, this is film, so how much more effective and terrifying would the opening be if you showed snipits (that a word?) of this tortuous image? You can keep the V.O. and just show flashes of each stage of torture.
Kee and Polly? Interesting names.
Tara lights a joint(s) Super toker.
Pg.3 sounds like 2 guys talking and not girls.
This was interesting, including to the point when axe man let the girls go. I didn't see that coming. Then it slowed down with a lot of dialog. Took me out of the story.
Around pg 30 is where I got lost from the heavy dialog. I like the paranoia.
Stopeed when they started ordering a pizza. Got me hungry.
I've never really talked to a girl, so I just made them talk about boys and penises and thought it could slide through. I'll work on it.
Admittedly there's a lot of dialogue that I've been trying to cut so it doesn't get too technical. I'm glad you saw the paranoia, because originally I never wanted the Axe-Man to come back, and rather the girls turn on each other over the mystery. It's about how some things you'll never know and how it can drive you crazy. And some other stuff about male dominance over females, but I don't know if any of that got across.
Hey, Gecko, congrats on shelling out a feature, no easy task. Is this your first draft? It’s all about editing and rewrites, also no easy task.
I think you got a good premise here, a group girls debating over the right course of action, which really all story are about. However, horrors, usually lack that aspect of something going on other than being chased and killed, some other piece of drama to create plot. This is all my opinion, but I’m going to go with it, haha. That’s all I can do. Anyway, I think the launch is decent the idea is there. I have agree with another reviewer that it begins to stumble after about page 30. The reason could be that your already hitting that beat of police/no police, which is you’re bread and butter, maybe letting it sit there rather than you character harping on it so much.
I don’t have an issue with dialogue heavy stories as long as the characters are discussing something and better still debating something. Again, peaks and valleys. I’m about half way through at page 44.
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Thanks BLB. To be honest this draft is a mess and I tried to do too much and ended with some pretentious schlock, especially towards the end. I agree that I hit the same topic over and over, and it's tiring. I like the premise, but I think I need to restart and find a better way to go at it. I've been so preoccupied with creating an "anti-horror," but I'm starting to think more and more that it could benefit from some conventional running and screaming.
Hi everyone. I completely rewrote this one. Title change, second half takes a different turn, more characters, etc. I wasn't sure if I should submit it as a different entry or just post it here. The beginning is the same, just written different. Reading the old one again, I'm not sure if I improved it (which is a weird thing because you expect to improve as a writer).
HE LISTENS HE WAITS Logline: Four college students are kidnapped by a deranged teenage boy, but released with one rule: "don't tell anyone or die." For justice, answers, and peace of mind, a man-hating slut has trouble turning to her friends for help from her kidnapper turned stalker. https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6tIEdgKGhKXNk5aVW9JU1Q3clk