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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  He Listens He Waits Moderators: bert
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  Author    He Listens He Waits  (currently 5039 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2015, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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He Listens He Waits by James (GreenGecko) - Horror - Four college students are kidnapped by a deranged teenage boy, but released with one rule: "don't tell anyone or die." For justice, answers, and peace of mind, a man-hating slut has trouble turning to her friends for help from her kidnapper turned stalker. 77 pages - pdf, format


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bert  -  November 23rd, 2015, 9:08am
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TonyDionisio
Posted: January 21st, 2015, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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This logline is horribad. I can't open this..
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 21st, 2015, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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I could open it and read the first few pages despite the logline. You have one piece of VO at the beginning but to me it's not really enough to set the tone. Also, we get a lot of dialogue between the three girls,but I still don't get a sense of who they are by the dialogue. If you are going to stay with that first VO block you need to really make it better...give us some mystery...it sounds horrific but I think it needs some work. I may try to read more this week at work. Wow on finishing a feature length. Hard stuff....writing.
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GreenGecko
Posted: January 25th, 2015, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Yeah you're right. It's a pretty bad log.

I'll try to revise: In fear of being attacked again, a frightened college girl must convince her absurd friend to call the police after being kidnapped and released by a strange man. Her absurd friend promised they wouldn't call the police and will do anything to stop her.

Okay, that's not a whole lot better. I'll think about it. In the end, the idea probably isn't feature-worthy, and "frightened" isn't really a character trait.

Either way, here's a google link for those that don't like scribd:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6tIEdgKGhKXS0tFYXhSUndYaWs


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Demento
Posted: January 26th, 2015, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read the script but by what has been said maybe something like this would work:

Logline: Three girls are released from captivity on the condition they tell no one about what has happened. Tension brews when one decides to break her promise.
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GreenGecko
Posted: January 27th, 2015, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah that's pretty good. Thanks Demento.


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NancyG
Posted: January 28th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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One dream, one script, one movie -- priceless

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I thought I'd rework your logline a little.  I read the first scene to get the gist of your story and found these were first two girls that go in to find a 3rd girl so didn't know how to work her in.

Here's mine --

Two friends go for a hike in the woods, not knowing their lives will change forever.  Will they keep what happened a secret as instructed or risk the deadly consequences?

That was pretty nice of him to let them go! But I get that's the rest of the story.  Kind of like I Know What You Did Last Summer...do we tell, don't we?

I will try to check out the rest to see what happens.

Nancy
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TonyDionisio
Posted: January 29th, 2015, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Ok, I can open it now.

To boot, this is film, so how much more effective and terrifying would the opening be if you showed snipits (that a word?) of this tortuous image? You can keep the V.O. and just show flashes of each stage of torture.

Kee and Polly? Interesting names.

Tara lights a joint(s)  Super toker.

Pg.3 sounds like 2 guys talking and not girls.

This was interesting, including to the point when axe man let the girls go. I didn't see that coming. Then it slowed down with a lot of dialog. Took me out of the story.

Around pg 30 is where I got lost from the heavy dialog. I like the paranoia.

Stopeed when they started ordering a pizza. Got me hungry.

Tony
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GreenGecko
Posted: January 29th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Tony and Nancy.

I've never really talked to a girl, so I just made them talk about boys and penises and thought it could slide through. I'll work on it.

Admittedly there's a lot of dialogue that I've been trying to cut so it doesn't get too technical. I'm glad you saw the paranoia, because originally I never wanted the Axe-Man to come back, and rather the girls turn on each other over the mystery. It's about how some things you'll never know and how it can drive you crazy. And some other stuff about male dominance over females, but I don't know if any of that got across.



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GreenGecko  -  January 30th, 2015, 7:56am
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2015, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from GreenGecko
I've never really talked to a girl, so I just made them talk about boys and penises and thought it could slide through. I'll work on it.



Ummmm...you've never talked to a girl?  What does that mean?

Maybe you're very young, but even then, I'm sure you must have talked with girls before in school?  Family?  Friends of family?

If not, that's definitely a problem when writing about girls and how they speak.

If not, I recommend you speak with Stevie from Australia.  He's just like a girl, and you could learn alot how the fairer sex converses.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2015, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Keep it that way, Gecko...it will save you a lot of trouble.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: April 11th, 2015, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Gecko, congrats on shelling out a feature, no easy task. Is this your first draft? Itís all about editing and rewrites, also no easy task.

I think you got a good premise here, a group girls debating over the right course of action, which really all story are about. However, horrors, usually lack that aspect of something going on other than being chased and killed, some other piece of drama to create plot. This is all my opinion, but Iím going to go with it, haha. Thatís all I can do. Anyway, I think the launch is decent the idea is there. I have agree with another reviewer that it begins to stumble after about page 30. The reason could be that your already hitting that beat of police/no police, which is youíre bread and butter, maybe letting it sit there rather than you character harping on it so much.

I donít have an issue with dialogue heavy stories as long as the characters are discussing something and better still debating something. Again, peaks and valleys. Iím about half way through at page 44.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Dustin
Posted: April 12th, 2015, 3:34am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from GreenGecko


...so I just made them talk about boys and penises...


Sounds about right to me.


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GreenGecko
Posted: April 13th, 2015, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks BLB. To be honest this draft is a mess and I tried to do too much and ended with some pretentious schlock, especially towards the end. I agree that I hit the same topic over and over, and it's tiring. I like the premise, but I think I need to restart and find a better way to go at it. I've been so preoccupied with creating an "anti-horror," but I'm starting to think more and more that it could benefit from some conventional running and screaming.


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GreenGecko
Posted: August 12th, 2015, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone. I completely rewrote this one. Title change, second half takes a different turn, more characters, etc. I wasn't sure if I should submit it as a different entry or just post it here. The beginning is the same, just written different. Reading the old one again, I'm not sure if I improved it (which is a weird thing because you expect to improve as a writer).


HE LISTENS HE WAITS
Logline: Four college students are kidnapped by a deranged teenage boy, but released with one rule: "don't tell anyone or die." For justice, answers, and peace of mind, a man-hating slut has trouble turning to her friends for help from her kidnapper turned stalker. https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6tIEdgKGhKXNk5aVW9JU1Q3clk



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
GreenGecko  -  August 29th, 2015, 5:22pm
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